Dear Coleen,
I’m in an impossible situation. I’ve been married for 15 years and we have two children, aged 11 and eight.
However, my wife is basically completely disengaged from our relationship – we never have sex, despite me pulling out all the stops to be romantic, organise dates, be loving and intimate and so on.
She doesn’t work, even though I’ve suggested it might be good for her, but she won’t consider it.
We’re basically like roommates or friends and, while I do care about her, I know I’m not in love with her any more.
The situation has ground me down and now all I think about is ending the marriage. I’m not happy, but I don’t see how she could possibly be happy either and want to continue like this.
I’ve also tried several times to make her understand that the marriage can’t survive like this and even told her I’ve thought about leaving, but she just gets angry and says, “Go on then!”.
I know she won’t agree to counselling because she’s already said as much, so where does that leave me?
She’s a very strong-willed person and not good at compromising. I don’t see what’s in this for either of us.
It’s sad because I care about her and she’s the mother of my kids. I want to leave, but I feel bad for my family every time I think about it.
Can you advise?
Coleen says...
I understand your fears and guilt over ending the marriage – it’s completely natural and I remember feeling the same when my boys were young and my first marriage was on the rocks.
It sounds like it’s going to have to be your decision in terms of where your marriage goes from here.
She seems determined not to compromise on anything – whether it’s the romantic side of your life or finding something for herself in terms of work.
And maybe unconsciously, she’s forcing you into making the decision to end the marriage because she knows it’s for the best, but can’t bring herself to do it either.
Here’s the thing – you can still be a good parent and even a good friend to your wife if you split up.
In fact, it could be better for all of you because you’ll find a new way to manage things and will probably like each other more, too.
That was certainly the case when my second marriage ended. My ex and I started to get on better and we’ve since been able to support each other and our daughter. It was the best thing for all of us.
Yes, it’s scary, but once you put the wheels in motion, start talking and making plans, you’ll realise it’s doable.
It’s sad when a marriage ends, but it would be sadder to stay together and look back in 20 years, and realise you’d both have been happier apart.
Good luck.
