What a glamorous night it was at the 88th annual Academy Awards. We had women in dresses, men in tuxedos and little children dressed up like adults by their parents, as a form of subtle psychological torture which will cost them thousands of dollars in therapy bills once their kids become teenagers. Truly an evening to remember for those who are slaves to fashion. There were so many wonderful outfits and so many sartorial choices to marvel at.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what looks good on a person. I wore a rented tuxedo with pants I was very lucky to be able to zip up without them bursting at the seams. I went to a tailor once, for my wedding, and he told me in no uncertain terms that I have a “large seat”, which is tailor-speak for “you have a huge ass”. So, what I know about clothes is that I have a huge ass and that’s basically it. I couldn’t fit into your haute couture unless you painted it on to me while I slept. Still, I’ve been tasked to judge the wardrobe do’s and don’ts of the evening, because I might not know fashion, but I know what I like. I’ve definitely worn clothes before, and I like clothes. Mostly because they keep me from seeing people like Russell Crowe naked. Thank you, clothes.
Jennifer Lawrence
J-Law made a very bold choice to wear a funeral veil on her body. This must have been some kind of Black Lives Matter protest. Very bold. Very, very bold.
Whoopi Goldberg
I just love what Whoopi did last night. She’s got the fabric over her chest, which is always a smart choice. Wearing fabric on your chest like that is not only very chic, but super practical. The last thing you want is to not have fabric on your chest. Also, the octopus on her hand. Clearly she was either a very big fan of the Bond movie Spectre or just loves the ocean. Either way, very chic, very smart, and very fun. If there’s a word to define this year’s Oscar fashion, it’s fun!
Mindy Kaling
I didn’t see this dress, because I was in the bathroom for a fair amount of the show last night. Let’s not talk about why, OK? I just was. It was a long night and I had a lot of seafood. Anyway, Mindy probably looked just great. She wore what I imagine was a long, flowing gown with many sparkles on it. Sparkles signify happiness, and why would Mindy Kaling be less than happy? She’s at the Oscars, the happiest place on earth besides Disneyland, though at least at the Oscars you park and drink for free.
Daisy Ridley
Daisy was in the new Star Wars film, which makes it doubly cool that she fashioned her dress out of George Lucas’s tears. I didn’t even realize one old man’s tears could be turned into a dress, but Daisy’s a “force” to be reckoned with on the red carpet, if you know what I mean!
Alicia Vikander
Alicia stuns in a banana yellow number with what appears to be her address written all over it. Gentlemen and ladies, don’t all jump up at once. Alicia is spoken for. She belongs … to a guy named Oscar tonight! Some guys have all the luck, am I right?
Saoirse Ronan
The Little Mermaid is one of my favorite films, so I really appreciate this costume. It takes quite a lot of guts to come dressed as a character from another film that came out decades ago when you’re nominated for an Academy Award for a completely different film that came out just a few months ago. She looked stunning, and she seems more than ready to jump off the side of a boat if necessary.
Olivia Wilde
Lots of cleavage on this number, which is a strong choice. I also love the collar which is not only fashion-forward, but also practical, as it lights up when a conversation becomes too boring, alerting the wearer to pretend as though she just saw her agent/manager/publicist/best friend/Uber driver on the exact opposite side of the party from the extremely dull person.
Rooney Mara
My favorite thing about Rooney Mara’s outfit is how miserable she looks wearing it. If you had fun last night, you must be some kind of weird normal person who still feels dumb emotions like pleasure or gratitude. Rooney Mara looks like she’s going to set fire to a barn just for kicks later, which is the chicest thing one can do at the Oscars.
Charlize Theron
What else is there to say about Charlize other than “Wow!” I mean, the dress is red, it’s long, it covers all the right spots, and she barely stepped on it all night. Who would have guessed that expensive clothes look very good on gorgeous celebrities?
Heidi Klum
Heidi doesn’t need Seal to step out on the red carpet and make a statement. She looks like half an Abba reunion concert, which is a compliment where I’m from, folks.
Charlotte Rampling
It was wise of Charlotte Rampling to wear chain mail to the Oscars in case someone tried to shank her over her recent racially insensitive comments. As the uber fashionable Boy Scouts say, be prepared … to maybe get stabbed on the red carpet by some insane person!
Cate Blanchett
Catey DID! Ms Blanchett rocked a light blue outfit with some flowery things on them because it’s springtime and nature is in bloom. Easter is also my favorite holiday, so I was really happy to see Cate dressed for church last night.
Lady Gaga
I am gaga for Gaga! White is a color that really pops on our favorite fame monster. The only downside of her dress is that she had to constantly keep her arms at her sides otherwise the dress would fall completely off, which would have been very embarrassing.
Kate Winslet
The former Titanic star dressed like an aquatic creature – the noble seal – as a callback to her most famous role: “Seal” via Llewelyn Davies in Finding Neverland! Oh man, the only thing I love more than fashion is horrific, painfully stupid puns!
Kerry Washington
Kerry Washington’s outfit is bold. The breast plate says “Joan of Arc,” the the black stripes on the side say “quittin’ time, so the suspenders come off,” and the slit in the skirt says “I ripped my skirt.”
Rachel McAdams
Green. Wow. What a color.
