Piper Chapman
When Orange Is the New Black began, Piper was our Wasp-y entry point into Litchfield penitentiary: a timid outsider struggling to learn the rules and rituals of a women’s prison. But, as the show’s cast has swelled, her significance has diminished. Her uncovering of institutional corruption in the prison was largely relegated to a B-plot last season, while the turf war between Red and Vee took prominence. Still, with Piper’s lover/antagonist Alex returning for season three – as a result of Piper having dobbed her in to her parole officer – you’d expect dandelion to have a bit more to do this time around. Thankfully, we’ll all be spared those long, dull conversations with her former fiance Larry (Jason Biggs) – he’s run off with her best friend Polly, and won’t return this season.
Friends: Alex (sometimes), Nikki, Red (sort of)
Enemies: Alex (sometimes), Pennsatucky
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? High
Galina ‘Red’ Reznikov
Red used to be the top dog in Litchfield: the prison’s head chef, and the person who could get you just about anything, from tampons to Twinkies. But her kitchen duties were handed to her rival Gloria after she was caught facilitating rogue guard Pornstache’s drug trade. Then her attempts to continue the smuggling service in the prison’s greenhouse initiated a feud with long-time rival Vee, culminating in Red receiving an almighty lock-in-a-socking. Vee’s out of the picture now, having been run over by a prison truck driven by the absconding cancer patient Rosa in one of the show’s most satisfying scenes, meaning that Red has the all-clear to rebuild her empire, if she wants to. Will she make another play for the kitchen? Continue her illicit activities in the greenhouse? Or might she give up the game entirely and spent the rest of her sentence playing canasta with the Golden Girls? Matters are complicated somewhat by the fact that, back in the Bronx, the business she built with her husband has gone under without her knowing it.
Friends: The Golden Girls, Nicky
Enemies: Whoever gets in her way, Vee (if she’s not dead)
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? Minimal. You don’t want to make an enemy of Red.
Dayanara ‘Daya’ Diaz
A storyline drawn from the most exaggerated of telenovelas: Daya is in love with and carrying the child of one prison officer, Bennett, having claimed that another officer, Pornstache, was the father. Pornstache was arrested for that infraction, and Bennett and Daya’s relationship still remains a secret, but one that will surely come out at some point. Daya, let’s remember, wants Bennett to come clean about the child’s parentage, even though that means Bennett will probably spend time in the clink as a result. Complicated.
Friends: The Hispanic bloc – Aleida, Gloria, Maria, Marisol – and Bennett, of course
Enemies: None really, now that Pornstache is out of the picture
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? Slim to none
Poussey Washington
Another victim of Vee’s psychopathic tendencies, Poussey spent much of season two trying to convince the rest of her gang – Taystee, Black Cindy, Jeaney – that their new leader was up to no good, and ended up being beaten up and banished from the group for her troubles. With Vee gone she’s back in the fold, free to continue her bittersweet friendship with Taystee, whom she has the biggest of crushes on. Poor Poussey.
Friends: Taystee, Black Cindy, Jeaney
Enemies: Unrequited love
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? In season two, high; now, not so much
Nicole ‘Nicky’ Nichols
After struggling with addiction and the death of her friend Tricia in the first season, Nicky’s was a more cheerful story arc in the show’s second run as she competed with Big Boo over who could get the most notches in their respective bedposts. Things can turn on a dime in OITNB though, and Nicky’s decision to hide the heroin she stole from Vee in an air vent looks likely to bring her face to face with her addiction again in season three. Storm clouds ahead.
Friends: Red, Piper, Morello, Big Boo
Enemies: Sweet lady skag
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? Pretty high if Red gets wind of those drugs
Tiffany ‘Pennsatucky’ Doggett
A one-dimensional, white trash god-botherer with the worst teeth this side of Austin Powers, Pennsatucky was once OITNB’s most irritating character by a country mile. Yet, after receiving a monstrous beat-down from Piper, she received a pearly new set of gnashers and a new, softer demeanour in the show’s second season. She forged a sad, strange friendship with the flawed prison guard Healy in his Safe Space group, and – in one of the more unlikely developments in the show – became pally with Big Boo, and curious about the “counterculture”. As you do.
Friends: Big Boo, Healy
Enemies: Piper, her former acolytes
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? High. Despite all of the above, she’s still pretty annoying.
Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’ Warren
Crazy Eyes was one of OITNB’s breakout characters in its first season, offering a depiction of mental illness that felt far more layered and optimistic than much of what we see on TV. Which made it all the more difficult to watch when her storyline turned decidedly dark last season. Suzanne fell under the spell of Vee, who convinced her to beat up Poussey and take the rap for the attack on Red. Only a late intervention by Healy saved her from a spell in max. Better things to come in season three, hopefully.
Friends: Taystee, Black Cindy, Jeaney
Enemies: None, though Poussey might find it hard to forgive her
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? She’s more likely to do the beating.
Joe Caputo
Caputo is currently cock of the walk at Litchfield, having ousted the corrupt Figueroa as deputy warden. Caputo’s promising a kinder, more open penitentiary with him in charge, yet in what we’d seen of his brief tenure at the end of season two, he’d already been forced to hush up the revelation that Bennett is the father of Daya’s child. He’d do well to remember Figueroa’s parting words: “Good luck with your noble intentions, this place will beat them out of you.”
Friends: The members of his band, Sideboob
Enemies: Anyone who’s had the misfortune of witnessing his band Sideboob live
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? Highly unlikely, bar an unforeseen prison riot
Sophia Burset
Arguably the best trans character on TV, Sophia rises above all of Litchfield’s petty infighting, preferring to dispense life lessons and affordable haircuts at her salon. Instead, the source of her drama comes from her relationship with her son Michael, who is beginning to accept her after years of resistance. Expect that relationship to be explored in this third season, along with the usual array of devastating one-liners.
Friends: Everyone
Enemies: No one
Likelihood of getting beaten up in the showers? Don’t even try it.
