Taylor Swift’s new album is here! And with it there’s a lot of love, joy, and a surprising number of penis euphemisms. But, amid the happiness and lust, there’s a little gem nestled in there. A catchy bop for the ages that’s also, apparently, a lyrical hit on Charli XCX. It’s condescending! It touches on alleged drug use! It’s a public diss track about a feud we didn’t even know existed! It is, in short: magical.
While Charli’s song “Sympathy is a Knife” is supposedly about Swift and Charli’s insecurities surrounding her, Swift’s “Actually Romantic” is far more of a targeted attack. In it, Swift paints the picture of a mildly obsessed, manic, and marginally feral woman trying to slight her, while remaining unconcerned and unfazed by her. It’s slightly embarrassing for Charli, completely unnecessary on Swift’s part, but it’s relatively harmless (and very catchy.)
At a time when there are so many constipated feuds going on - situations where we know everyone’s pissed off but no one will talk about it - from The Beckhams to The Royals (Harry’s side doesn’t count), it’s nice to be served a grudge we can groove to. It’s not 2016 anymore - we tried Michelle Obama’s direction to “go high”, it didn’t work. “Going low” is more fun anyway.
If I had the talent of just Taylor Swift’s toe, I’d have written fifteen diss tracks about one boss I had about ten years ago, a handful about my husband’s friend’s wife, and at least two about my children’s nursery. Not because I particularly wish them ill (or not that much ill), but because they are a fun distraction. The nemeses we pick up on the path of life are often fuelled by misunderstandings, jealousies, and pettiness, which is what makes them so melodramatic and enjoyable. If we dismantle a grudge and truly break it down with sparse emotion and scientific analysis, they are usually, completely ridiculous. I once cursed the day someone was born because they cancelled plans on me for the fourth time in a row. The rage was real, the reason was silly.
Every day when we wake up there’s at least three truly horrific things going on and I think I speak for us all when I say that we need a break. I understand that famous people often want to keep their affairs private, but for the sake of the public I think we are overdue a few catchy numbers. There have been whispers about Victoria Beckham stealing Nicola’s place during the newlywed dance with Brooklyn - can he write a rap about it with Cardi B? Is anyone free to partner up with Prince William and make a jazzy number reflecting his feelings about Spare? Could Elton John duet? Would Lady Gaga lend vocals? Does Lin-Manuel Miranda have any time in his calendar to make “MEGHAN” the musical? I’m happy to get started on a rage-filled metal number about an Evri driver - but I don’t think it would have quite the same mass appeal.
