March 22--Hey, gang! I'm going on a diet.
On the day the diet begins, per our modern-day tradition of over-sharing, I will make a formal announcement in the form of a tweet, a Facebook post and possibly an Instagram selfie of me making a very sad face.
Please don't misinterpret my diet announcements as suggestions that I am in any way superior to you, just because I'm starting my diet and you probably aren't. (Hey, we do things when we're ready, you know?)
Also, I would like to make it abundantly clear that my formal declaration of diet should not be viewed as a form of fat shaming. I would never engage in such behavior, not now or even later when I will undoubtedly be enviably thinner than you.
I would also like to stress that my Day 2 proclamations -- likely in the form of tweets that say "Second day of the diet! Already feeling better!!" and pictures of a healthy, well-balanced breakfast -- should not be considered boastful or attempts to further aggravate hurt feelings over my instant, life-improving success. Just because I'm doing extremely well at something does not mean you should feel bad about the nothing you're doing.
As with most diets, I will be increasing my exercise regimen and posting occasional updates on how spectacularly well things are going at the gym. The fact that the time stamps on these posts will show that I am waking up early in the morning to work out should in no way be viewed as a holier-than-thou judgment of your apparent unwillingness to make a similar effort.
It's just my thing now, you know? I'm kind of addicted to working out and it just gives me SO much more energy. #CrossFit
The early stages of the diet will lead me to discover foods I never realized were delicious, or even existed. You may read these posts and think, "He's kidding himself. He doesn't actually like that crap."
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY DIET INTEGRITY! YOU ARE UN-FRIENDED!!
OK, I'll give you one more chance.
I can say with 100 percent (almost) honesty that when I write "SO YUMMY!" next to a photo of organic-blackstrap-molasses-sweetened-mung-bean paste wrapped in soy paper, I will mean it, and it will be my favorite new dessert and I will make you eat it next time I guilt you into coming over to see how good I look.
Speaking of how good I look, as the diet progresses you can expect to see a series of photos, some subtle (me smiling while eating a cucumber watercress salad at a cafe, under the hashtag #TheseJeansDidNotFitLastYear!), and some more direct (a sideways selfie of a sweaty me in the weight room pointing at my shrinking waistline or, in time, firm abs).
I will post these photos because you, my friends, are on this journey with me and I cherish your support almost as much as I cherish the ability to highlight my own accomplishments on the Internet.
There will undoubtedly be low points, and they'll appear in the form of tweets like these:
-- Ugh. This diet thing is SO hard. Really not sure it's worth it, guys.
-- I'm feeling so much better about myself, but some days I just want to throw it all away. (frowny-face emoticon)
-- IF I EAT ONE MORE MUNG BEAN I AM GOING TO GET SERIOUSLY STABBY!!! (skull-and-crossbones emoticon, knife emoticon)
It is incumbent upon you, my social media family, to respond to these tweets -- which are in no way a dramatic and kind of sad effort to draw attention to myself -- with words of encouragement like, "Don't you give up!" or "We love you, Rex!" or with quotes from famous thinkers like Gandhi or Dr. Oz.
Once I rebound from that momentary and not-at-all intentional downward spiral, I will be reinvigorated and ready to regale you with Facebook posts about how:
-- I've started only drinking water that has been filtered through the hair of a Tibetan yak. (It just tastes more spiritual.)
-- I've signed up for a triathlon. (Many updates to follow!)
-- I found a new way to brew green tea using an apparatus that looks like it was stolen from a chemist's laboratory and costs $1,200, and if you don't adopt this process as well you might as well drink fetid bilge water.
Listen, you're great and I love you all exactly the way you are. None of these things that I will be posting should be considered indictments of your poor nutrition, your proclivity for drinking nasty, non-yak-hair-filtered toilet water or your sad unwillingness to get off the couch and use that gym membership you forgot you had.
You be you, and I'll be me. And I'll tell you all about me. And how great my diet is going. And how a guy at Whole Foods told me the mung bean is actually considered "a super-bean."
Maybe I'll start growing my own mung beans using some of the compost (did I mention I started composting?) in the backyard.
I'll keep you posted on that. And on quite literally everything else.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
