Jan. 25--As the classic, conspiracy-laden television show "The X-Files" returned Sunday night, I was reminded of the one thing we should all fear: the truth.
The truth, per the show's motto, is out there. But truth in the world of "The X-Files" involves things we don't want to believe: the existence of aliens; malevolent government conspiracies; and the fact that television actors like David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are immune from aging.
Real-world truths can be equally scary. If something we don't want to believe is true, it becomes necessary to either worry about that thing or do something about it, and worrying about things or doing things takes up precious time that we would rather spend watching "The X-Files."
If climate change is real, I might have to go outside and turn off the gas lawn mower I leave idling in the backyard to drown out the annoying sounds of nature.
If evolution is real, I have to update my Wikipedia page and correct the part where I was intelligently designed and forged of molten steel atop a mountain of skulls.
Who has time to do all that?
Fortunately, America is rich in truth-aversionists.
The rapper B.o.B., whose real name is Bobby Ray Simmons Jr., spent the past couple of days arguing on Twitter that the world is flat.
While supplying carefully Googled photographic evidence of horizons that don't look round, B.o.B. tweeted: "A lot of people are turned off by the phrase 'flat earth' ... but there's no way u can see all the evidence and not know... grow up."
He raises a number of points that are tough to argue, assuming you are very, very, very bad at arguing.
Some bold Oklahoma legislators are doing their part to make sure people consider all options before buying into the so-called "truth" slung by cult-of-indisputable-scientific-facts nerdportunists.
Two bills, one in the state's House and one in the Senate, endorse what's broadly known as "teaching the controversy," a nice way of saying: "Yes, all scientific evidence points to this one thing being true, but some people don't want to believe that, so let's pretend their opinions matter."
The Senate bill says: "Teachers shall be permitted to help students understand, analyze, critique and review in an objective manner the scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses of existing scientific theories covered in the course being taught."
That sounds anodyne enough. Who wouldn't encourage this kind of discussion:
"OK, Bobby, when we apply heat to this beaker of water, it starts to boil. That's because when the heat is applied, the molecules start to ..."
"Teacher, I think it happens because angels like bubbles!"
"Good point, Bobby. Exhaustive scientific study rarely takes into account the predilections of angels. Let's go with that."
Whether it's vaccines (which are ouchy and turned my cousin Floyd into a gerbil) or fluoride in the water (which is helping the government control our minds), we have a right to decide what we think is the truth. It's not so much separating fact from fiction as deciding which facts we think are fiction and then not being made to feel dumb when we get measles and our teeth fall out. (And when we find out that our cousin Floyd isn't actually a gerbil -- it was just Aunt Ellie, whose mind is controlled by the government, playing a prank on us.)
Also, consider the source of virtually all the truths we're spoon-fed: scientists. And why do we believe them? Because they are, allegedly, "smart."
But consider some recent scientific research I came across.
A headline on Science News magazine's website reads: "Search is on for missing pieces in puzzle of male genital diversity."
The article begins: "Crazily diverse shapes of male genitals across the animal kingdom -- from curlicues and Y-tubes to multiknobbed, tendrilly whazzits -- may evolve faster than any other animal structures."
Tendrilly whazzits? What kind of half-baked mammal porn is this?
And speaking of half-baked, another recent study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (abbreviated PNAS, which, again, sounds filthy) found that smoking marijuana may not actually make you stupid.
Isn't that convenient? These so-called scientists are just giving themselves permission to get doped out on Satan's lawn clippings while they sit around studying animal ding-dongs.
And we're supposed to trust these weed pervs?!?
I don't think so. I've smoked marijuana, and I know for a fact that it made me stupider, so I'll be darned if I'm going to just accept whatever truth happens to be in fashion.
It's like my Aunt Ellie, a huge fan of "The X-Files," used to say: "The truth is out there -- ignore it."
Of course that's probably just what the government wanted her to say.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
