March 03--As most of you know, the only two things I fear in life are: liberal Hollywood elites who are more talented and famous than I am; and Ping-Pong.
So you can imagine the undergarment-soiling shock I felt upon learning that a "Ping-Pong social club" co-founded by Academy Award-winning actress and noted more-talented-than-me person Susan Sarandon was opening in Chicago.
Called "SPiN," because apparently Sarandon is opposed to traditional capitalization, the club will feature 20 Ping-Pong tables including a center court with stadium seating. According to a press release, "guests can look forward to being immersed in a creative atmosphere surrounded by energy that emulates artistic expression, shared memories and epicurean discovery with sustainable farm-to-table fare, handcrafted cocktails and craft beers."
I threw up in my mouth five times during that sentence.
The doors to this table tennis terror dome will open Friday in the Near North neighborhood, which gives us precious little time to be shocked and outraged. To expedite your anger, I'll give a primer on why Sarandon and her Ping-Pong minions are a threat to our great city.
Sarandon, as most of you know, is a wildly talented movie star known for films ranging from "Thelma Louise" to "Dead Man Walking." She is also a champion of many progressive causes and has never shied away from politics, showing a knack for picking winners by throwing her support behind the campaigns of President Ralph Nader and President John Edwards.
In January, Sarandon endorsed socialist Bernie Sanders for president. About a month later she was criticized by Piers Morgan for having cleavage. I'm not saying there's a direct correlation between the two things, but cleavage is a known side-effect of European socialism.
Which brings us to Ping-Pong, also known as table tennis, also known as "the parlor game of the godless."
The history books and pong-stream media say table tennis originated in England as an after-dinner game played by members of high society. I assume they used fancy books or the severed hands of their servants to bounce wads of money back and forth across mahogany tables until they got bored and went in search of street urchins to look down upon.
The truth, as I fictionalize it, is far more sinister. The game was actually created by a drug-dealing political revolutionary, Nathaniel Pong, who encouraged his British followers to bat balls of heroin tar back and forth using their lengthy socialist manifestoes as paddles.
The game was so addictive it lulled players into trancelike states, making them susceptible to radical ideas about the efficacy of wealth redistribution. As the dangerous game spread, some began calling it Pinko Pong. Thick English accents and the short attention spans of budding socialists caused the name to morph into "ping pong," and the rest is history.
To this day, England has socialized medicine, a failed system that deals only with repetitive stress injuries caused either by playing Ping-Pong or turning to stare at cleavage. (It's truly a filthy culture.)
With all this in mind, it's easy to see what Sarandon is up to. She has already opened SPiN Ping-Pong emporiums in New York and Los Angeles, and look at what a loathsome mess the East and West coasts have become.
SPiN CEO Pieter Vanermen said of Chicago in the press release: "We are looking forward to bringing people together and making an impact on a city we deeply admire."
I'm sure you are, Comrade Vanermen. And by the way, isn't "Pieter" a Dutch name? And don't the Dutch know a thing or two about socialism? Boy, that's a weird coincidence, isn't it?
Also, didn't the Netherlands win gold and silver medals in the women's singles table tennis competition at the 2015 European Games? Hmmm, that's a funny coincidence too.
Wake up, sheeple. Sarandon and Sanders are using Ping-Pong to demolish our democracy.
I sent a tweet to Sarandon asking: "Can you explain why you and @WeAreSPiN are trying to use ping-pong to destroy Chicago?"
She didn't respond, but her pong lackeys tweeted back at me, saying: "we hope to see you at #wearespin soon for a match. Pong on!"
Pong on? I don't think so, you table tennis tyrants.
It'll take more to lure me into your ideological trap than a celebrity, two paddles, a freakishly small ball and sustainable farm-to-table fare.
You're going to at least need an air hockey table and a soft-serve ice cream machine. I mean, c'mon, this is America, not Europe, you pong-heads.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
