Oct. 21--Like most Americans, I'm excited for our country to transition to an entirely "Star Wars"-based economy.
Reaction to this week's release of a new trailer for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" demonstrated that by the film's Dec. 18 release date, you won't be able to hurl a gaffi stick without hitting a "Greedo shot first" conspiracy theorist. (Google it.)
But aside from boosting the sales of iPhone-controlled BB-8 droids and Gwyneth Paltrow's upcoming book "How to Age as Well as a Wookiee," the return of the world's greatest space saga will provide fertile ground for America's favorite crop: preposterous outrage.
That became apparent immediately after the new trailer premiered. A small handful of racist-Americans (that's the politically correct way of saying "unspeakable monster morons") decided to start a Twitter hashtag -- #BoycottStarWarsVII -- and assert that the new movie is anti-white propaganda.
That assertion is based on the fact that one of the movie's lead characters -- John Boyega playing a Stormtrooper who turns good -- is black. Adding to the agitation, apparently, is Latino actor Oscar Isaac playing Poe Dameron and Daisy Ridley as Rey, a strong female woman person (GASP!) in a leading role.
The dastardly diversity of the new "Star Wars" movie -- don't worry, Han Solo is still white and male -- gets even more problematic when you realize that director J.J. Abrams is Jewish and thus fits into every racist conspiracy theory ever created.
While the idea to boycott "The Force Awakens" on the grounds that it offends a tiny handful of fragile white men who haven't left their parents' basements in 10 years seems ludicrous, the #BoycottStarWarsVII hashtag swiftly became the No. 1 trending topic on Twitter.
In the pre-social media age, the grumbling of disaffected numbskulls would have gone unnoticed. Not anymore. What propelled that hashtag into the talk-o-sphere was the number of people reacting to its appallingly racist origin. But it was propelled nonetheless, and I think even Jabba the Hutt (may he rest in peace) would agree we're worse off for the exposure.
Clearly I'm not helping lessen the exposure, but I bring this whole mess up in a humble effort to capitalize on the bustling free market of idiotic "Star Wars" grievances, a market I'm sure is just starting to heat up.
Please join me in being collectively outraged about the following offensive flaws that I suspect will be found in a movie no one has yet seen.
1) Blatant Trump Discrimination
It's clear from previews of "The Force Awakens" that Donald Trump, heroic real estate mogul and current front-runner in the GOP presidential race, has not been cast in a leading role.
This is both an outrage and wildly shortsighted, as Trump is huge and everything he touches turns to gold and he would bring in so many people -- really, people would be so proud of this movie -- that the new "Star Wars" would set every kind of record imaginable because of its hugely popular hugeness.
It's just another example of Hollywood liberals turning their back on what real Americans want, which is Trump starring as a Sith Lord who deports all the Jedi from the galaxy because the Force is no match for the force of his hugely successful galactic real estate business. #PutTrumpInStarWarsVII
2) Racist Against Racists
The producers of "The Force Awakens" appear to have done nothing to make sure racists are properly represented in the film. Yes, the desire to kill Jedi is racist-ish, and the Stormtroopers have an inherently Nazi vibe to them, but is that really good enough?
Would it be so hard to create a character -- let's call him Vile Insecurious -- who lives under the charred remains of a Star Destroyer and spends all his time blogging about the ills of galactic multiculturalism and trolling Lando Calrissian's Twitter account (@CloudCity4Life).
The new "Star Wars" movie must be inclusive of people who do not want the new "Star Wars" movie to be inclusive. #TrollsBoycottStarWarsVII
3) Blatant Pro-Clinton Agenda
Abrams and others behind "The Force Awakens" go out of their way to prop up Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign by completely ignoring the Benghazi scandal.
An honest continuation of the "Star Wars" saga would feature Princess Leia -- in a rebel pantsuit -- appearing before the Imperial Select Committee on Benghazi, answering tough questions about a terrorist attack that happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. #StarWarsClintonBias #HillaryIsASith
4) Offensive to Dad-Bod-Americans
As a leading voice in the dad bod community, I'm appalled by the apparent lack of formerly fit, currently paunchy male characters in "The Force Awakens." (Harrison Ford doesn't count because his awesomeness distracts from any belly flab.)
Once again, Hollywood refuses to embrace what has become the true male form: a busy father who gets to the gym whenever he can but still eats enough ice cream to remain "cuddly."
When the movie premiers in December, I expect to see some Jedi who get slightly out of breath while using the Force to lift things, as well as an occasional Stormtrooper who wears sweatpants instead of regulation leg armor.
If not, I will immediately leave the theater, taking my giant bucket of buttered popcorn with me. #TheDadBodAwakens #ChubbyWookiees
Feel free to join me in voicing outrage over these issues on the Internet. As Yoda once said: "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to a Twitter trending topic."
May the farce be with you.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
