In a landmark moment in London's history, a local MP is campaigning to annex his borough from the wider London Pangaea and float off into the home counties.
Andrew Rosindell, the Conservative MP for Romford, is campaigning for the London borough of Havering (inclusive of Romford, Upminster and Collier Row) to leave the capital and return to its former district of Essex.
According to Rosindell, poor Havering is (and I paraphrase) the twin London ate in the womb, and he considers the borough to be “geographically”, “historically” and “culturally” Essex. True to Essex’s fondness for building extensions, he wants to extend the borough of Essex to include Havering again, reuniting the lost continent with its mothership.
I’d argue that there are bigger fish to fry. Havering may have its motives (though the idea reminds me of Benny Blanco breaking up with Selena Gomez — know when you’ve got a good deal), but let’s put them aside for a minute.
I raise Andrew Rosindell: Clapham. An area of London that can essentially be considered part of the Commonwealth of Australia. So infested is Clapham that it’s better to simply cut it off, like a limb with sepsis, and mark it down as something entirely different.
Yes, non-Australians live in Clapham, but you know what they’re like. The kinder option with those people is to send them to Australia anyway, and chances are they’ll end up there; they just haven’t realised it yet. What do you mean this sounds like 1787? What happened in 1787?
My next candidate: Camden, which can leave the confines of London to become the official museum of the year of 2007. Like Westworld, but for Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty enthusiasts. Visitors can stop by Camden to live in the simulation for a bit, get all dressed up to look the part, flirt with a barmaid, et cetera, then return to an actual area of London where people live. You cannot convince me it is an actual functioning London borough in the year of 2025. Let’s axe it.
Also up for relegation? Merton, because who has even heard of it. And Bexley, because it sounds a little like Bromley, which sounds a little like Brockley, and that confuses me.
Last but not least, I submit, is Richmond. It makes the rest of London look bad by consistently topping those stupid “Happiest Place to Live” rankings. London isn’t a happy place to live, it’s a fun kind of hell that we all love to complain about, so get out, Richmond! Richmond is the Shelbyville to our Springfield. It’s making us look like a fool. Let’s banish it.
Meanwhile, Havering’s MP is over here begging the borough to leave the capital and become Essex. Leaving the city to move further out? In search of a better life, are you? Nothing could be more authentically London. Sorry, Andrew, Havering’s staying.
Maddy Mussen is a London Standard columnist
