Jan. 18--I stumbled upon the most recent Democratic presidential primary debate after accidentally sitting on my television's remote control. The channel changed from my favorite show -- "Celebrities: Aren't They Just Awful?" -- to a political discussion between Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and another guy.
To help those who didn't accidentally sit on their remotes, I have compiled a list of the debate's "key takeaways." (The term "key takeaways" is political pundit talk for "least boring things, at least from the parts that I actually watched.")
1) There was a Democratic presidential primary debate!
Despite the Democratic National Committee's valiant attempts to hide its presidential primary debates from viewers by scheduling them on weekends, just before holidays and in remote areas accessible only via a suspension bridge guarded by a troll that asks three riddles, at least one person (me) watched this one.
The previous debate was held the Saturday before Christmas. This one was on a Sunday night before the Martin Luther King Jr. national holiday, following two National Football League playoff games. The next debate -- on Feb. 11 -- will be after the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary election.
Asked about the debate scheduling, DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz told CNN: "I did my best to make sure, along with my staff and along with our debate partners, to come up with a schedule that we felt was going to ... maximize the opportunity for voters to see our candidates."
She seems to have confused "maximize" with "minimize" and "did my best" with "did as close to nothing as I possibly could."
The prevailing conspiracy theory is that the DNC favors Clinton and scheduled the debates at odd times to minimize Sanders' national exposure. There is also the possibility that the DNC wanted to minimize everyone's exposure because Clinton can seem knowledgeable but untrustworthy, Sanders can seem idealistic but a bit kooky, and the other guy can seem rather other-guy-ish.
2) There's a third candidate!
I'm not sure who he is, where he's from or what he's doing on the stage with Clinton and Sanders, but I can confirm the existence of a third person running for the Democratic presidential nomination.
I believe his name was Marvin -- or maybe Melvin? -- and the last name sounded sort of Irish. Maybe Milton O'Shaughnessy?
Anyway, a third person was up there and they even allowed him to say a few things. He looks like the son of two very attractive mannequins, though I fear that heritage might disqualify him from the presidency.
3) It was a lively and spirited debate, filled with liveliness and spirit.
We were told repeatedly by the people on NBC -- which aired the debate -- and by political commentators on other networks that the debate was lively and spirited.
In some instances it was described only as lively, and at least once, moderator Lester Holt described it only as "spirited."
Bottom line: There was great spirit and liveliness.
Like the part where Clinton said: "And we need to get the Europeans to be more willing to stand up, I was pleased they put sanctions on after Crimea and eastern Ukraine and the downing of the airlinerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Oops. Sorry, I feel asleep on the "r" key.
4) If you like bombing things, these are not the candidates for you.
Sanders, Clinton and the other guy are clearly not interested in using any of America's perfectly good bombs to solve international problems.
In fact, the word "bomb" did not come up once in the Democratic debate. Compare that to the most recent GOP debate, when the word "bomb" popped up more than 20 times.
If we learned one thing from Sunday night's debate, it's that Democrats will do nothing to stimulate America's bombconomy and are incapable of bomb-solving any of the world's bomb-worthy problems.
5) Older people talking about sex is gross!
Former President Bill Clinton's notorious sexual affairs were brought up during the debate. (They were referred to as "transgressions," though the debate's ratings would have soared if moderators had used the term "salacious celebrity sex encounters.")
Sanders was asked if he regretted once describing the president's "past transgressions" as "totally, totally, totally disgraceful and unacceptable."
Sanders said: "You know that. We've been through this. Yes, his behavior was deplorable. Have I ever once said a word about that issue? No, I have not. I'm going to debate Secretary Clinton ... on the issues facing the American people, not Bill Clinton's personal behavior."
The crowd applauded that response, but on CNN after the debate, political commentator S.E. Cupp said: "The idea that a 74-year-old man is having to talk about sex in any way is really off-putting."
The other 147 people on the CNN panel seemed to agree:
Older people talking about sex = ick!
Personally, I disagree with the panel. Sex is sex, and I don't think a 74-year-old man talking about it is off-putting. Certainly no more off-putting than hearing it talked about by S.E. Cupp and a bunch of uptight TV turkeys.
But maybe some think sex, like a Democratic primary debate, is best kept hidden.
Lest we learn that things aren't quite as sexy and wonderful as we might imagine.
Or we find out, to our great surprise, that there's a third person involved.
rhuppke@tribpub.com
