Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? Or replied back to a text from someone saying you’re “fine” because you haven’t got time to get into how you’re really feeling?
The fact is, our days are full of moments that could turn into meaningful connections but busy lives – working, caring for others, unanswered emails piling up – can stop us from checking in with each other. And yet, making meaningful connections is one of the most self-preserving and life-enhancing things we can do. Studies have repeatedly shown that happiness hinges on social contact, and with one in four adults experiencing mental illness each year, along with a 48% rise in the number of children aged between five and 15 diagnosed with emotional disorders (including anxiety and depression) since 2004, it has never been more important to start reaching out and opening up a conversation with those around you.
Dr Marc Bush, director of evidence and policy at YoungMinds and a visiting professor in public health at the University of Northampton, explains: “Having a sense of belonging and being able to connect with others is very protective,” he says. “It means that when things are challenging, you’re able to reach out to people and be protected from feeling alone with the difficulties you’re facing. Feeling connected can also disrupt things like anxiety or depressive thoughts and that’s very powerful.”
So it is with this in mind that ITV has linked up with both Mind and YoungMinds to create Britain Get Talking, designed to encourage us to communicate face-to-face with those closest to us. Bush says this is important because even though someone might seem part of a good social network, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re fine – or that their network is supportive.
“Feeling lonely can happen even when you’re among friends,” he says. “You can spend a lot of time with someone and not necessarily know what’s happening in their social, emotional and mental worlds, so it’s really important to be curious. That doesn’t mean probing, but being curious, compassionate and empathetic about what someone might be experiencing.”
This is where listening comes in. When someone is talking about going through a tough time, it’s tempting to leap in with reassuring cries of “me too” or solutions that might seem to remedy the problem. But while the intention is undoubtedly good, it’s a lot more helpful to simply listen and give them space to say more.
“When you actively listen and let someone speak openly, you’re telling them: ‘You matter to me. What you’re telling me is important and I’m here to support you,’” says Bush.
As social creatures, we know instinctively that relationships with others matter. But what Bush encourages is a more mindful approach to cultivating those connections. So just as we might take deliberate steps to stay physically well, we can apply that care and attention to our friendships and family relationships, too.
“All human relationships change over time and take practice,” says Bush. “For a family, looking after those relationships is an ongoing process that will last the whole of your life.” That’s not to say that making such effort should only happen during the tough times. For all-round mental wellbeing, it’s important to make the most of the good times too.
“Sometimes, because of the pattern they get into, some families don’t talk about joy or excitement or fun,” says Bush. “They talk about ‘discipline’ or tasks or sadness. But actually, mental health is as much about positive emotion, not just the negative.”
Bush suggests carving out time to see the world from your children’s point of view. “For younger kids, this might mean playing side-by-side and asking them what’s happening in their imaginary play. Alternatively, let them take you on an adventure around the park or garden – that can open up some of the feelings they may be encountering.”
Having regular, open conversations about feelings – good and bad – shows kids that everyone has fluctuating emotional states, that feelings come and go and that it’s OK not to feel happy all of the time.
Doing an activity together helps create an atmosphere that’s conducive to getting the conversation flowing, and once that happens children are likely to feel listened to, validated and reassured – it also means they’re more likely to open up again in the future.
“Just sitting together, watching a movie and then talking about it afterwards creates a space that means sharing isn’t risky. It’s not unknown because you’re already sharing in something,” says Bush. “If you haven’t connected for a while, it’s going to take time to pick that up again. The important thing is to be patient, rather than fall back into a pattern of thinking: ‘They don’t understand me and I don’t understand them, so I’m not going to bother trying.’”
Anyone who’s had periods of feeling low or depressed will know it’s easy to find yourself in a cycle where, because of those feelings, you avoid contact with other people and end up feeling even worse. It’s at times like those that you need to try and remember the power of connecting with others – however difficult and daunting it may seem.
“If you feel really lonely, challenge yourself to be brave,” says Bush. “Maybe sit on the edge of a social group and gradually pluck up the courage to start talking. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. At any point in time, there’s loads of people sitting by themselves who would love to be friends and connect with you – you just haven’t found them yet.”
So, who will you connect with today?
Britain Get Talking
To find out more about ITV’s Britain Get Talking campaign, run in collaboration with mental health charities Mind, YoungMinds and SAMH, visit itv.com/britaingettalking or stv.tv/britaingettalking
