When asked if he was at a party, rather than rely on his memory, or the fact he’d been seen at the party, the Prime Minister told us to wait until the results of an investigation.
You can understand this, as the investigation might discover he wasn’t there because Boris Johnson isn’t Boris Johnson. It might turn out he’s Shirley Bassey or Peppa Pig or King Louis the Sixteenth of France.
Once it was clear he’d been at the party, he muttered something like: “When I said I was certain that no rules were broken, I was referring to the rules of table tennis, and none of them were breached at all.
“When I said I was informed that no party had taken place, I was telling the truth because I informed myself there had been no party, and I took my word for it. I couldn’t have known at the time that I was lying.
“I had no idea there was a party in the garden and hadn’t seen the email inviting me to the party. That’s why I went into the garden and stayed for 25 minutes, because I had no idea there was any reason to be there.”
Next he’ll explain: “I often wander into gardens, on the off-chance there might be someone there who wants me to stay for 25 minutes. On Tuesday I popped up behind a shrub at a garden in Scarborough, and stayed for 25 minutes, and on Sunday I appeared in a rockery in Sunderland.”
And he never questioned why his wife was there, at a government workplace meeting, when she doesn’t work for the government. I suppose he assumed she’d become Foreign Secretary and forgotten to tell him.
Maybe he’s used this explanation in the past, when he’s been caught having affairs. He’s said: “I had no idea we were having sex, I was under the impression it was a workplace meeting.
“The grunts you heard were simply my approval for the accounts to the year ending 30th April.”
This has been his problem all along, he keeps misunderstanding what type of event he’s at.
The reason he kept dozing off during Brexit negotiations is he thought he was at a snooker tournament.
When he shook hands with patients infected with Covid, he thought he was the Queen after the Royal Variety Performance.
This week he’ll go to the toilet in the House of Commons, then insist he’s never done a number two in his life, then an SNP MP will say: “Prime Minister, will you please open a window, your dump stinks”.
Then he’ll say: “It would be unfair to discuss the smell until Sue Gray has completed her investigation”. Then he’ll say he is sorry for the impression that he did a dump, but he didn’t realise at the time it was a dump as he thought it was a banana.
So here we are, at the point where only five per cent of the population think the Prime Minister is telling the truth.
And that’s even more astonishing, as six per cent are his children.
