TEA AND SYMPATHY
Having come an offside micro-sliver of boot leather and yet another missed penalty from forcing extra-time against the tournament favourites, England’s Lionesses were ultimately declawed in their Women’s World Cup semi-final against USA! USA! ! USA!!! And while their manager, Phil Neville, had stated beforehand that defeat would constitute failure, he was justifiably proud of a team he said “left their hearts and souls on the pitch” but could be forgiven for pondering what might have been if his side had been a little more streetwise and defensively solid.
Having for so long resembled a human portcullis with a series of last-ditch tackles and blocks throughout the tournament, Steph Houghton was forced into the role of unwitting villain, choosing to eschew the option of unleashing one of her trademark set-piece thunderbolts from the spot with seven minutes to go and allowing Alyssa Naeher to save a surprisingly poor effort. “I’ve been taking them in training every single day, and I believed in my technique but today I just got it wrong, and let my team down,” she said, in a post-match interview that was interrupted by one of the famously humble USA! USA!! USA!!! players. “Well there was no need for that! Ridiculous!” seethed the unimpressed England captain, as Lindsey Horan brayed, whooped and hollered like a Donald Trump supporter just behind her.
Earlier in the evening, USA! USA!! USA!!! goalscorer Alex Morgan had sparked online outrage that was bizarre even by the standards of Social Media Disgrace Twitter, when she raised a pinkie and appeared to mime sipping a cup of tea as part of her goal celebration. While she refused to be drawn on the meaning behind the gesture (if you’re old like us, this might help – Fiver Ed), those desperate to be offended viewed it as a dig at English culture. If that was the case, she could have made her feelings more clear by miming drinking 17 pints on a Friday night out, then staggering home via the kebab shop.
While bad news for England’s likeable players and their fans, their elimination from the World Cup will come as something of a relief to their army of tedious detractors. So angered at having these easily avoidable matches repeatedly forced down their throats, they felt constantly compelled to bore everyone with news that they weren’t watching. Unlike the 53,000 spectators at the game and a peak audience of 11.7 million TV viewers back home, they missed a cracking game from the sanctuary of mum’s spare bedroom. For England, now, there is the small-but-not-insignificant matter of Saturday’s third-place play-off, a match their own visibly gutted players might also prefer to avoid.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“They were not better than us. They found the net early and the second goal came from a penalty they didn’t award. He [the referee] was on their side … it’s not an excuse, but the truth is that, in this Copa, they kept on blowing for stupid things, for handballs, penalties” – Lionel Messi has taken Argentina’s 2-0 defeat by Brazil in the Copa América well.
FIVER LETTERS
“With all the talk of Arsenal wanting to sign Wilfried Zaha and pay in ‘Argos style’ instalments, why don’t they instead put a bit of money away every week, like a football version of Park Christmas Club? That way, they can make 2020 the most magical summer transfer window ever” – Ed Taylor.
“Once Frank Lampard has left Frank Lampard’s Derby County, will the club become Plain Old Derby County, like when FL’s teammate EBJT hung up his international lionheart armband and became POJT? And it abbreviates to PO Derby County, as in po’ Derby’s a-cold, as it would be having been dumped by Frank Lampard’s Derby County’s Frank Lampard” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“Andrew Tate (Tuesday’s letters) is completely correct, the term ‘knack’ should be cut some slack. But will he also vouch for the Peter Crouch ‘ouch’, the Kagawa ‘gah’ or the Aubameyang ‘twang’?” – Tony Crawford.
“How could The Fiver have overlooked covering flamin’ Socceroos skipper Mark Milligan signing for Kevin Bond’s Southend United? You didn’t spike the story did you?” – Bryan Matthews.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Switzerland international Florijana Ismaili has been confirmed dead three days after the 24-year-old forward was involved in a swimming accident at Lake Como.
Leading names from women’s and men’s football have joined forces to back a campaign called #FearlessFootball, which aims to end the abuse, harassment and exploitation of female players following allegations published by the Guardian last year of serious sexual abuse suffered by members of Afghanistan’s women’s team.
Donald-Trump-baiting USA! USA!! USA!!! forward Megan Rapinoe is confident she’ll recover from hamstring-twang in time to play in the World Cup final.
That collective sigh you can hear in the north-east of England is Newcastle fans digesting news that Leicester are on the verge of signing Ayoze Pérez for £30m.
Nasty Leeds have signed Helder Costa from Wolves on a one-year loan deal that will become permanent when £15m changes hands next season.
And Gigi Buffon, 78, is set to rejoin Juventus on a free if he successfully coughs for the Old Lady’s doctor.
STILL WANT MORE?
England conquered hearts and minds but USA! USA!! USA!!! took semi-final spoils, writes Sean Ingle.
Phil Neville’s shift in tactics and failure to fix defensive flaws led to England’s World Cup exit, so says floating-football-brain-in-a-jar Jonathan Wilson.
The thing about the USA-England rivalry is, there is no USA-England rivalry, yelps Tom Dart.
“I finally understand football’s appeal”: Big Website readers on the Women’s World Cup.
Marina Hyde sinks her teeth into Adidas’s shambolic Arsenal kit launch.
Spurs’ record signing Tanguy Ndombele is the real deal as long as he stays focused, writes David Hytner.
What is a foul? Jonathan Wilson’s back – and this time he gets existential as he tackles the VAR controversy in the Brazil-Argentina game.
Transfer window: 10 bargain signings of the summer so far.
Has any World Cup had more goals from penalties than France 2019? The Knowledge answers the questions you can’t be bothered to Google.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
