REMEMBERING THE GOOD OLD DAYS: RONALD REAGAN, THE MARK-THREE FORD ESCORT, AND PROPER CUP
Liverpool used to be better than Real Madrid. Yep. The Fiver would normally advise any disbelieving child under the age of 35 to seek confirmation from mater or pater about this. But here comes the Fiver’s time-travelling late-70s/early-80s throwback cousin, New Romantic Rubik’s Cube Free Market Monetarism Disco Carter Reagan Callaghan Thatcher Sitcom Themes Written By Ronnie Hazlehurst JR Ewing Smokey And The Bandit II Ford Escort Mark III Fiver! Why don’t we just ask him? So, were Liverpool once better than Real Madrid? “Yes,” says New Romantic Rubik’s Cube Free Market Monetarism Disco Carter Reagan Callaghan Thatcher Sitcom Themes Written By Ronnie Hazlehurst JR Ewing Smokey And The Bandit II Ford Escort Mark III Fiver, before putting on a brown suit and going out on strike.
But times change, and tonight Real, the reigning European champions, are widely expected to rock up at Anfield in Big Cup and give the hosts one, two or perhaps seven almighty smacks in the mouth. And we’ve only canvassed the opinion of the more optimistic Liverpool fans. Now, Real have never beaten Liverpool in competitive football. Indeed they’ve lost all three games they’ve played against the Reds: 1-0 and 4-0 reverses in Big Cup in 2009, and a 1-0 defeat in the 1981 final of the precursor to Big Cup, Proper Cup. But that record’s unlikely to last much longer, not if Real’s current form is anything to go by. They’ve won their last seven matches on the bounce, a run which has included two 5-0 wins, two 5-1s, and an 8-2, plus 14 goals for Cristiano Ronaldo alone. By way of juxtaposition, there was Liverpool playing at QPR.
Still, anything’s worth a go, isn’t it. And tonight Brendan Rodgers will be pinning all his hopes on Mario Balotelli. Everyone else meanwhile will be more realistically looking to Raheem Sterling, who has today once again found himself the subject of ludicrous headlines thanks to Mr Roy. Turns out Sterling went out to a London nightclub two days after helping England to win a game of football in Estonia. How dare he? Not only was the so-called tired player flagrantly awake, he was also clearly not dressed in a hair shirt. In fact, given that all this was going on last week, during the preposterous height of Sleepygate, the whole situation could almost be read as Sterling giving a stiff two-fingered salute in response to all that self-righteous moralising. Liverpool will be hoping their young star has a similarly impressive answer tucked up his sleeve for Real.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Having spoken with many of the victims in this case it appears that Abalimba is a charming and charismatic individual who was able to call on his previous football experience and the fact he bears some resemblance to the real Gaël Kakuta to deceive them” – Police sergeant Adam Cronshaw comments on the jailing of failed footballer Medi Abalimba, convicted of impersonating Gaël Kakuta – potentially the perfect crime since no one knows what the Chelsea player actually looks like, given his perma-loan status.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
Big Website has got a new YouTube football channel. Subscribe today! And there’s also a new app for iOS and Android – details of the football offering are here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re. yesterday’s Quote of the Day: correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Lord Ferg suggesting that (The Chosen One) David Moyes was absolutely the right man for the job while being somehow fundamentally not up to it?” – Dave Child.
“I have to take issue with txakoli being mentioned two days running in the Fiver as being the drink of choice in the Basque region. It’s far too high brow. If the Fiver had a Basque cousin (who would definitely be separate from your Spanish cousin), then their drink of choice would be kalimotxo, a drink which translates as ‘Black Vulture’ in Chile and ‘Diesel fuel’ in Romania” – Paul Dixon.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Dave Child.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not - if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable, good looking and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Luiz Adriano should have been dancing through the streets of Borisov after scoring five for Shakhtar Donetsk on Tuesday, but instead he allegedly suffered racial abuse from BATE fans.
And in further depressing news, Norwich forward Cameron Jerome has accused Leeds defender Giuseppe Bellusci of racially abusing him during their 1-1 Championship draw.
David Villa isn’t, apparently, the biggest fan of surfing, men with large moustaches and Bouncer from neighbours – after a brief spell playing for Melbourne City, he’s off to the USA! USA!! USA!!! in order to “fulfil marketing and commercial obligations” to his parent club New York City.
If beating Roma 7-1 wasn’t enough, Bayern Munich have earned the praise of a Mr Jorge Mario Bergoglio – or the Pope to you. “You delivered a wonderful game of football yesterday,” parped Mr Pope, who was scandalously not pressed for his opinion on whether Victor Moses really did dive against Swansea at the weekend.
Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay is leaving in order to “seek new challenges”. Expect him to open a pop-up pulled pork and craft ale joint outside Stamford Bridge before Christmas.
And Rochdale groundsman Oli Makin has thanked police for donating seized cannabis lamps to the club in order to help their, ahem, grass grow. “It has saved the club a fortune and the players will be happy, especially the goalkeeper,” tooted Makin in quotes The Fiver will pass no comment on.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jamie Jackson narrows Manchester City’s Champions League failings down to just five things.
Mention of this Sport Network piece on football in Greenland in the Big Paper morning meeting led to a lively discussion about the size, ownership and general politics of the big lump of frozen rock in the Arctic ocean, so imagine what it will do for you when you read it.
“As a lad, growing up, I dreamed of emulating people like Ricardo Fuller and Jon Macken” – Preston’s Joe Garner had unusual role models. Read more about him in Paul Wilson’s interview.
Stuart Goodwin knows five things about Emiliano Martínez, Arsenal’s third-choice keeper set to start tonight, and has regurgitated them here.
Give me shudders in a whisper take me up till I’m shooting a star. Goals on film! Goals on film! Etc.
Does it actually make a difference if there are fans in the stadium, asks Paul Wilson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
