Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my late 30s and feel very hurt by the way a friend has behaved. We first met at a mother and baby group when our daughters were only a few months old and they’re both eight now and go to the same school.
Recently, I’d noticed this friend had backed off a bit and wasn’t as available to meet with our daughters or go out with me in the evening for a drink. She’d make excuses about being busy, although was still cheerful and sweet on text.
But I heard from someone else that this friend had been kind of trash-talking me to a couple of the other mums, saying she wasn’t keen on her daughter hanging at ours because I feed them rubbish and I also use bad language!
I feel so judged and badly hurt that she could say these things after being friends for so many years.
I admit I’m a bit more of a relaxed parent than she is (her kitchen is a treat-free zone), but I don’t feed my kids rubbish. What’s wrong with a pizza and ice cream on a playdate? It’s supposed to be fun!
As for the bad language, I do not go around swearing, although I might let the occasional f*** drop. Who doesn’t?
I’m angry and hurt, and don’t know what to say to her.
I thought we were close, but I was clearly wrong.
Coleen says
Ouch. It seems to me as if your friend has changed while you’ve stayed the same. Maybe she’s desperately trying to fit in with these other mums or maybe she deals with the stress of parenthood by being ultra-controlling about everything. And we all know that’s one route to send your kids off the rails when they hit the teen years!
Who knows and, quite frankly, who cares? She’s been mean about you and she’s betrayed you, and I think you should call her out on it. She’s basically suggesting you’re a rubbish parent and that’s the lowest blow from a fellow mum.
If you don’t want to be friends with her any more, that’s perfectly understandable, but tell her why and explain how hurt you are.
She didn’t have the courage to face you and tell you what she thinks of your playdate food and swearing – she decided to gossip to other people instead.
Friends grow apart for many different reasons and sometimes they find each other again somewhere down the line.
It’s not up to you to make this right, it’s up to her to offer an apology and then I think you should move on without her.
I know it’s upsetting, but I think the issues are with her and it sounds like she hasn’t been a friend for some time.
