THAT’S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES
In a rare interview conducted five months ago, Sunderland’s in-no-way delusional absentee American owner, Ellis Short, told the club’s website his team should be “trying to finish in seventh place in the Premier League every season”. It was big talk; slightly undermined by the fact that, at the time, Sunderland were well on the way to sliding into League One. Now a second successive relegation has been confirmed, only the most optimistic Mackem would suggest deposing Burnley as the Premier League’s surprise package is anything more than a pipe dream. But if Sunderland are to begin the painstaking process of restoring their dignity and once lofty status as top-flight relegation contenders, they will have to do so without the patronage of a man whose stewardship on Wearside has been so disastrously inept, one can’t help but wonder how he was ever successful enough in business to afford to buy the club in the first place.
On Sunday it was announced that Short had agreed to sell the club and – as a final gesture of goodwill, or possibly foolishness – would clear the massive debts it had run up during a period when it should have been almost impossible not to make money while sucking at the TV teat. The new owners, a consortium nobody seems to know a great deal about, is fronted by Stewart Donald, a 43-year-old, lifelong Oxford fan, who made his money in insurance and for the time being remains the owner of non-league Eastleigh, which he has now put up for sale.
While Donald’s proposed takeover, which remains subject to EFL ratification, was widely celebrated on Wearside by those few remaining Sunderland fans who can remember how to clap and cheer, it did spell bad news for Chris Coleman, the latest boss to be dismissed by Short, an employer he’d never met or even spoken to since wrapping his hands around one of football’s most poisoned chalices. Now debt-free, looking for their ninth manager in six years and with £34m in parachute payments coming down the pipe, it might be an exaggeration to say Sunderland look an attractive proposition, but if they cropped up on Tinder your thumb might at least hover briefly before swiping left.
With Cookie crumbled, the search is now on in earnest for yet another manager to steady the ship ahead of next season’s League One campaign. Mick McCarthy has emerged as an early candidate, having said earlier this season that he’d “go back in a heartbeat because I loved my time there”. Having performed heroics at the club in the past on a shoestring, The Fiver can think of no better man for the job.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We’ll bounce back and come back stronger next year” – let’s hope for Brechin chairman Ken Ferguson’s sake that they don’t come back any worse, what with being relegated from the Scottish Championship without winning a game.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on Belgium.
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FIVER LETTERS
“The fact that you gave the hallowed prizeless letter o’the day to James Smart (Friday’s Fiver letters) for making a joke that I have already seen hundreds (if not thousands) of times on social media disgrace Twitter is staggering. It’s almost as if The Fiver revels in being an unfunny mess of stolen jokes and … oh wait. Carry on. Mon’ the Stop Football campaign and all that. Also, you actually predicted a score correctly on Thursday! I’m almost proud. Mostly ashamed, though” – Sean Atkins.
“Can you tell Mike Hollis (Friday’s letters) that Jacksonville should be aware there is already a team with the ‘Jags’ nickname: the mighty Partick Thistle (even though they don’t play in Partick). Why are they the ‘Jags’ you may ask? That would be because thistles ‘jag’ you, that’s why” – Paul Dixon [we prefer the ‘Maryhill Magyars’ – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Sean Atkins.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
It’s Lyon v Wolfsburg in the Women’s Big Cup final after Manchester City and Chelsea, respectively, were dispatched in the semis. “With the amount of talent and unlimited resources Lyon have, the gap between us off the pitch is big,” sobbed City boss Nick Cushing.
Jürgen Klopp’s right-hand man Zeljko Buvac has heeded the advice dished out by indie-boppers Cast in 1995 by deciding to walk away from Liverpool just days before the Big Cup semi-final second leg with Roma.
Rocco Commisso, owner of the New York Cosmos, has offered to shovel half a billion dollars into the USA! USA!! USA!!!’s North American Soccerball League over the next 10 years. “This significant infusion of capital would produce immediate and long-lasting benefits for the game of soccer in this country,” he yee-hawed.
QPR’s Tony Fernandes has refused to rule out booking Ian Holloway a one-way cruise on the good ship Do One. “The manager has had his highs and has had his lows,” he blathered. “We’ll have to analyse and say: ‘Are we happy? Is he happy?’”
Under-pressure Leicester boss Claude Puel reckons his side’s poor form could be down to players being away with the Russian fairies. “Perhaps the players have the World Cup in their heads,” he sniffed, while the good ship tooted its horn in the distance.
Brendan Rodgers reckons the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers were lucky to only get beat 5-0 when the Queen’s Celtic wrapped up the Scottish title against them. “We should have had seven,” he cheered.
And Basel/Basle/Barrrrrrl took out a full-page ad in Swiss paper Blick to do some b@nter after rivals Young Boys won the title. “Please take care of the trophy, we would like to win it back in good condition,” they honked.
STILL WANT MORE?
Premier League talking points. Ten of them. Here.
The FA should not be selling Wembley at all, let alone for £600m, writes Richard Williams.
It all seems a little low-key, reports Sid Lowe, but perhaps with time, Ernesto Valverde and Barcelona’s first unbeaten Spanish league title since 1932 will be more valued.
The Old Lady did it again at the weekend and, after Napoli’s shellacking at Fiorentina, the Serie A title looks to be heading to Turin for a seventh season in a row, says Paolo Bandini.
“Football moves on so quickly but I haven’t been on Mars.” Alan Curbishley gets his chat on with Sean Cole and reveals he isn’t an astronaut.
Tottenham’s stadium costs are escalating like one of Weird Uncle Fiver’s quiet nights in, warns David Hytner.
Sean Ingle has had a radical idea: hold an auction to decide the World Cup hosts to stop corruption!
Blimey! Hamburg have only gone and launched their greatest Bundesliga escape attempt of all, gasps Andy Brassell.
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