I READ THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY
“Colombia in fear of a Kaning!” roars the Sun, whose highly trained operatives have spent the days before tonight’s game against Colombia putting a curly wig on a statue of Carlos Valderrama in his home town and playing a bugle outside Colombia’s team hotel even after someone asked them not to. They also dispatched a reporter to Bogotá to canvas the views of whichever England-fearing locals they could find. “Everyone in Colombia knows Harry Kane can destroy us,” blubbed taxi driver Philipe Sanches, 51. “My family is speaking of nothing but him,” weebled shop worker Sofia Spirez, 23. On the sports pages, they exhort the England team to “keep calm and Harry on”.
“Now write your own history, boys,” cheers the Mirror. “Why can’t it be England this time?” asks the Express, channelling the 1982 World Cup song. “Coming home!” roars the Metro, a headline that turns out to refer to the Thai schoolboys stuck in a cave but which if there is an adverse result in Moscow this evening they will be able to run again tomorrow. “10 tips to help you beat hayfever misery,” writes the Mail. Years of knockout failures have taught the British press one thing: once England reach the last 16, don’t hold anything back. There are no second chances.
A hitherto great World Cup tiptoed last night into new territory as Belgium’s knockabout victory over Japan, a second half of ludicrous entertainment and drama culminating in a last-second counter-attack of pace, grace, beauty and total ruthlessness, left viewers dangerously bloated on footballing excitement. Like Monty Python’s Mr Creosote we have gorged on too much already; one more serving of such stimulation and we might literally explode. Happily, organisers have got this covered.
The draw for the knockout stage was split into four quarters, both literally and thematically. One featured France, Argentina, Portugal and Uruguay and was the Quarter of Death; the next contained Brazil, Mexico, Belgium and Japan and was the Quarter that Would at Least End With a Decent Team in the Semis; the third held Spain, Russia, Denmark and Croatia and was the Quarter with Two Good Sides and Two Makeweights. Now it is the turn of the final quarter, the Quarter of Hang on Would You Mind Checking This for Me Something’s Definitely Gone Wrong.
Today’s matches start with Sweden v Switzerland, a fixture remarkable mainly for being the first World Cup finals match between alphabetically proximate member states of the United Nations since Germany played Ghana in 2010 (and only the third such encounter of this century, after Poland v Portugal in 2002). Switzerland’s greatest contribution to knockout folklore is probably their last-16 encounter with Ukraine in 2006, which remains definitively the most boring game of football ever played, and in which the Swiss not only refused to score during the actual match but also in the penalty shootout.
Oh, the dreaded P word! Harry Kane has been speaking pre-match about his apparently perfect penalty preparations. “Before every game I know where I’m going to go and I try to change it – left, right, down the middle,” he said. Go anywhere you want, Harry, just don’t go home. The nation’s journalists have more statues to deface yet.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I think it’s a shame for football. We wasted a lot of time because of one player. I think this is a very negative example for the world of football and all the children who are following this game” – Mexico coach Juan Carlos Osorio gets his funk on after Neymar’s antics in their last-16 match.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on the best of the knockout rounds so far, featuring Kylian Mbappé, Kasper Schmeichel and Big Sam’s Lads on Tour.
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FIVEЯ LETTERS
“Just picking up on R Reisman’s comments on Mexico [Monday’s Fiver]. They’re generally overhyped by their supporters. Check. They always exit their holy grail competition in the first knockout round. Check. They can’t get the most out of Carlos Vela. Check. Looks like we know where Arsène will fetch up next” – Adam Bacon.
“The best thing (of admittedly many, many things) about Germany going out of the World Cup early is that we don’t have to sit through stupid jingoistic headlines in the English media based on old stereotypes, idiotic cliches and bizarre references... Oh” – Noble Francis.
“After England’s 6-0 win tonight, there will be two days without live World Cup action. If the FiveЯ does not want to be called idiots by the likes of Stephen Yoxall and 1,056 others, please do not resend today’s email! Although I think the FiveЯ loves being called idiots” – Frank Chibundu Agu.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Adam Bacon.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
BITS AND BOBS
Nigeria captain Mikel John Obi has revealed that his father was kidnapped during the World Cup – and he found out hours before the game against Argentina. Pa Michael Obi was safely released on Monday.
England’s destructive obsession with penalty shootouts, part 481: Ashley Young is prepared to take a spot-kick against Colombia, despite missing one six years ago.
Gareth Southgate has described England’s game against Colombia as the team’s biggest for more than a decade. “It’s been over 10 years since we won a knockout fixture,” Southgate bellowed. “The lads have the chance to write their own stories now.”
If you switched off at half-time, find out what you missed in Belgium v Japan with Stuart James’s match report.
And Paul Merson is still reeling from the news that Arsenal have completed a move for Greek defender Sokratis Papastathopoulos.
STILL WANT MORE?
Alex Hess plays a one-two, motors past the defender and gives us six World Cup counterattacks to match Nacer Chadli’s effort.
Can you tell your Fevernova from your Jabulani? Take our quiz to find out!
Like some sort of anti-Ray Winstone, Barney Ronay urges us all not to make England’s last-16 fixture about The Gamble.
Ed Aarons surveys the mood in Elephant and Castle, where London’s Colombian community will gather to watch the big one.
Nacer Chadli and Marouane Fellaini matchwinners? What on earth is going on, asks Nick Miller.
Daniel Taylor wonders whether things really are different this time for England.
Mexico’s biggest mistake was beating Germany, reckons Aaron Timms, and he may have a point.
And it may not be Ethics World Cup related, but Suzanne Wrack’s interview with Lyon superstar Ada Hegerberg is well worth your time.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
