(NO) BIG GUNS
Thursday’s riotous Arsenal AGM at the Emirates Stadium, which ended with chairman Sir Henry Chippendale “Chips” Keswick being booed from the stage, wasn’t the first time a member of his family has had an uncomfortable experience at this kind of thing. The Keswick clan’s troubled history with public meetings held at sporting venues goes back to 1941; when Sir Chippendale was a week shy of his first birthday, his dad, Sir William Johnstone “Tony” Keswick, attended a ratepayers’ meeting at Shanghai Racecourse in his position as Shanghai Municipal Council chairman. The meeting turned ugly after a contentious vote, leading to “some minutes of indescribable confusion and rioting” (according to the Associated Press) and Keswick getting shot twice (“only flesh wounds”). So when Chips abandoned this Q&A session because “I think you are getting very angry so there is no point continuing”, perhaps he wasn’t just being pr1ckly – even if one attendee had already accused him of giving the “impression you have had enough of the peasants”.
By then some key decisions had been taken. Well, long before then, as it turned out. Arsenal’s AGM essentially involves shareholders being invited into one of their function rooms, where they are told some meaningless platitudes before being informed they can vote on stuff if they like, but their opinions are meaningless because some guy who hasn’t bothered to turn up can do whatever he wants. Thus Chips and Josh Kroenke, 37-year-old son of majority shareholder Stan, retained their seats on the board despite heavily losing a vote of those present, because Josh’s dad says they’re OK. One can only imagine what Chips thinks about Kroenke Jr being gifted his position, though given that his son Adam is the fifth generation of Keswicks to sit on the board of what is now the Bermuda-based conglomerate Jardine Matheson, The Fiver guesses he probably doesn’t mind.
The board’s make-up was one of the key issues. When one questioner suggested Arsenal have “an ageing board lacking in diversity”, Chips honked: “The reality is we have a diverse modern organisation.” Even in the room, people laughed at this one. Keswick, a white man born in 1940, sits on the board with Peter Hill-Wood, a white man born in 1936, Ken Friar, a white man born in 1934, Philip Harris (AKA Lord Harris of Peckham) a white man born in 1942, Stan Kroenke, a white man born in 1947, plus Ivan Gazidis, a white man born in 1964, and Kroenke Jr, born in 1980. Ignoring the latter, who is there because of his father and compared with his colleagues is barely out of nappies, the average member of this “diverse modern organisation” is 73 years old, and all of them are white males.
But perhaps the key statement came from Gazidis, the splendidly-remunerated chief suit (£2.648m in the last year we know about), when prompted to defend the club’s transfer dealings. “Fortunately there is one very accurate way of telling how the club is performing,” he sniffed, presumably referring to its bank balance, rather than the league table they last topped at any meaningful moment over 13 years ago. But no, he waded in with this zinger: “Arsenal has probably been the most consistently overperforming big team over time.” This must have been the same presentation he gave to Alexis Sánchez, shortly before the Chilean decided he had no intention of staying a moment longer than he had to and started fluttering his eyelashes at Pep Guardiola. If the recent past has represented overperformance, one can only imagine what kind of horrific future awaits when they start simply performing – or quite how loud the AGM booing will become once they get there.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
23 October: “I told the players: ‘You’re embarrassing me, you embarrass the club, you embarrass our fans. Now it’s time for you to react.’ I’m glad that we are playing on Wednesday” – Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss Pedro Caixinha looks ahead to their league game against Kilmarnock after being knocked out of the Scottish League Cup by Motherwell.
26 October: “The decision to part company with Pedro was taken after careful consideration and the search for a new manager will begin immediately” – a club statement ushers Caixinha out of an Ibrox door marked ‘Do One’ in the wake of their 1-1 home draw with Killie, marked out for extra specialness after O’Rangers led in time added on and with a penalty just awarded them, only for Ryan Jack to be sent off in a subsequent stramash, Daniel Candeias to miss the spot-kick, and Jason Holt to cap a counter with the equaliser.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
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RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Borussia Dortmund’s Raphaël Guerreiro shows off his flying backheel volley in training, while Borneo FC winger Terens Puhiri makes a case for bringing back the Rumbelows Sprint Challenge.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I would say that the letters to yesterday’s Fiver were all of such high quality that they should have collectively won the prizeless letter o’the day award. Not possible, you say (if I understood your grunt correctly)? I know The Fiver is not renowned for creative thinking, but surely you have sufficient fluid intelligence that you can adapt something that you developed in order to improve it? Like José Mourinho. Or, OK, no. Furthermore, in the grand tradition of Match of the Day, can’t we have a prizeless letter o’the month award” – Kevin McKee [er, no. But prizes are coming – Fiver Ed].
“It’s been a long time coming but Mike Rice’s claim that the first ever Fiver was a ‘tired pastiche’ of itself (yesterday’s Fiver letters) brings us at last to the realms of Plato’s Theory of Forms. For this to be possible, The Fiver’s prior existence was as a classic form as defined by Plato: the absolute essence of Fiver, only pure Fiverness and Fiverness in every respect. In this world it is condemned, as is everything else, to be but a shadow of itself in comparison to the full radiating glory of its own form. I wish I could say It’s been worth the wait” – Chas Tuchel.
“Mike Rice got me interested into wondering what The Fiver looked like as a young email. A quick interweb search brought me to this article. Pastiche? Maybe, but mostly certainly simpler and fractionally less cynical (bitter?) than the grown version. By the way, whatever became of that young up and comer, Steve McClaren?” – Travis Giblin.
“Ken McCarron (yesterday’s letters) points out that Ahab and the whale both vanished. However, I have it on good advice that Olivier Giroud gets all his inkings done at Captain Ahab’s tattoo parlour in Mildenhall, Suffolk” – Tony Crawford.
“Re: Dave Hageman’s missive about #SavetheCrew (yesterday’s letters). If the worst comes to the worst in Ohio, they can always form AFC Columbus, view the newly Texan team with disdain, refer to them merely as Austin and surge up through the lower reache … ah” – Jim Hearson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Chas Tuchel.
NOTIFICATIONS AND QUERIES
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BITS AND BOBS
In a move surely aimed at baiting this email, the Coca-Cola Cup quarter-final draw has been delayed “following a technical glitch”.
Greg Clarke admits the FA has “lost the trust of the public” in the wake of the Eni Aluko affair, neatly overlooking the fact it never had it in the first place. “A storm has blown through us and we have struggled to cope,” he whimpered, promising a “top to bottom” cultural review of the national football centre at St George’s Park. Another review!
Football League suits have decided not to act over allegations that stewards made female fans show their bras during “grossly invasive” security searches at Grimsby Town’s away trip to Stevenage. “How the EFL can say asking female supporters to lift their tops and show their bras does not break their rules is astounding,” said Kristine Green, Mariners supporters liaison officer. “The EFL has not denied the incidents took place, which makes their judgment even more laughable.”
Slaven Bilic was a happy man after Taxpayers FC fought back from 2-0 down to dump Spurs out of the Milk Cup at Wembley. “The lads deserve it, it’s a great night for the club,” he purred.
Leicester City have confirmed the appointment of Claude Puel as their new manager. “The board quickly established the profile of candidate we needed to take the club forward and Claude Puel was a perfect fit,” whooped suit Aiyawatt Srivaddhanaprabha.
Fitba! The Queen’s Celtic won 3-0 at second-placed Aberdeen, have now gone 16,479 domestic games without defeat and have at least one hand on the Scottish Premiership trophy.
La Liga is to introduce video assistant referee technology from next season.
West Brom defender Craig Dawson will be out for two months with knee-knack, but hasn’t suffered extreme-gah! as Tony Pulis had first feared.
And no away fans will be allowed to attend either leg of the World Cup play-off between Croatia and Greece due to concerns over crowd trouble.
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
In 2008, an online community of investors bought non-league outfit Ebbsfleet United. What happened next? Sean Cole reveals all.
Jacob Steinberg on dissatisfaction sweeping the Premier League.
Liam Rosenior discusses the Taxpayers FC faithful giving Slaven Bilic both barrels – and how it’s got him thinking twice about becoming a manager.
Lee Trundle is still banging them in at Llanelli Town, but he never scored a finer one than his strike for Swansea City in Cardiff, writes Ben Fisher.
Paolo Bandini casts a weary eye over a week in which ultras, anti-semitism and fascist salutes have been back on the Italian football agenda.
Colombus Crew. Right here.
Alberto Moreno, Aaron Ramsey and an awful lot of Manchester City players feature in Martin Laurence’s 10 most improved players in the Premier League this season.
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