Friends of mine already have the Volvo XC90, the previous incarnation, which to all intents and purposes is the same, only not so safe. (When I say “not so safe”, that is within the margin of “extremely safe: I would look as safe to an inhabitant of the 80s or 90s as a Bugaboo would look to a person on a ski lift”.) The new version has its sensors and its autobraking, its blind spot information system, its cross traffic alert (a lane discipline feature, basically) and its intelligent cruise control, which effectively enables you not only to stop driving but also to go to sleep. It’s a progressive version of the mega-car, cocooning its inhabitants but paying more than lip service to the fact that it is also nice not to kill cyclists.
Back to my friends – I asked them what they thought of the previous model, and the man said: “This is really a criticism of myself more than the car – when all you ever do is drive two miles down a gentle hill, and then two miles back up, this is the worst car imaginable.” The woman said: “I like the automatic tailgate, it’s designed so you can sit on it and take your wellies off. But when all you ever walk on is pavement…” It’s not an urban car, or if you think it is – you see them everywhere – then you’re not an urban person.
Imagining you’re in the country, it’s got a huge amount to recommend it: the acceleration is beefy but steady; the fuel consumption is better than you’d expect. It is an active pleasure to hear it moving through its gears (it’s an eight-speed automatic); finely tuned, pushing the most out of each one, never any strain. It has the solidity that is the entire reason anyone would become an executive rather than live in a tree: nothing will fox this car, not your active lifestyle (it could take 100kg of bike on the roof), nor your ridiculous boat (2,700kg on the tow ball). And that’s before you surrender to the leather plushness, a nine-inch satnav screen so sharp and clean you could watch Top Gun on it.
Nevertheless, the size and height of it – two metric tonnes of smooth electric silver, a driving position that dwarfs everyone but bus drivers – means that it’s like wearing boots when everyone else is wearing shoes. What this does to your driving personality will depend very much on your regular personality. I had to have a very hard look at myself at the end of this review, and I didn’t like what I saw. I did like the car, though, so you know, swings and roundabouts. You would not have liked me on a roundabout.
Volvo XC90 D5 in numbers
Price £61,880
Top speed 137mph
Acceleration 0-62mph in 7.8 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 48.7mpg
CO2 emissions 152g/km
Eco rating 6/10
Cool rating 6/10
