The Vauxhall Adam Grand Slam was a variation on the Adam, designed to be more appealing to men; then, manliness being such a difficult quality to pin down, they changed the name to the S. Everybody knows that men love initials, especially consonants.
You cannot fault it on performance. Its 1.4-litre, turbo-charged, four-cylinder petrol engine could get a tractor to a decent speed over time; a car this size is at 62mph from cold in the time it takes you to wonder how long it will be before you have a panic attack and jump out, shouting, “I don’t need an MRI! I’m fine with a brain tumour – I’ll get it treated homoeopathically!” (This, if you really want to put a number on it, is 8.5 seconds.)
No, seriously, guys, I actually don’t mind a small car. I prefer a small car. I love the confident, quicksilver movements I can make while parking, like a fast-forwarded video about car culture in 1950s America. It’s the first car I’ve driven in months that doesn’t have a parking sensor, and that’s probably because it would be an outright insult to suggest you needed one (especially if you were a man). But when even a six-year-old is complaining about leg room, you know you are dealing with a pretty unusual design.
As in all man-focused items – the Honda Civic, Coke Zero, Catwoman – the exterior styling is mainly black with flashes of red on the piping and spoiler. It is so nippy that it took my brain some time to adjust, during which I steered all over the road, like a person who doesn’t drink auditioning for a part as a drunk driver. With the driver’s seat extended as far back as it’ll go, the seating position is racy but cosseting; late-night, solo driving on deserted A-roads is truly fun, the hard suspension and grippy feel putting you and your Adam in perfect harmony.
Truly, this is for more than a man: it’s for the man manly enough to say, “I’d love to give you a lift, but unfortunately I have read too much Ayn Rand and now I really have to prioritise that point at which my pleasure meets my destiny.” I, conversely, was a woman, with two children and another adult in the car. My knees were touching the steering wheel, my feet were bent backwards like a ballerina’s cruel stretching exercise, the gear stick in reverse actually rubs against the passenger seat, and still the six-year-old complained that the flip-down mechanism on the front seats (it’s three-door, of course) was poorly made, and her knees couldn’t move.
In the final analysis, I think a small- or medium-sized man would feel like a giant in this car, which will make it more appealing still. If you have some driving aims other than feeling like a giant and going extremely fast, you may want to think again.
Vauxhall Adam S: in numbers
Price £16,995
Top speed 124mph
Acceleration 0-62mph 8.5 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 47.8mpg
C02 emissions 139g/km
Eco rating 7/10
Cool rating 8/10
