This has happened, in real life: Sky has announced the pilot episode of a show called On the Couch with Peter Crouch. As in the footballer famous for being tall. Yes, it sounds like one of Alan Partridge's last-ditch stabs at a TV pitch – "Monkey Tennis?" "Inner-City Sumo?" "Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank?" – but somewhere in the bowels of the Sky TV building an executive heard those words, thought: "Hey, that rhymes!" and decided it was something people needed to see.
Here are five more footballer-fronted shows we'd like to pitch to that particular commissioner:
Paul Scholes's School Polls The veteran Man Utd midfielder puts the week's big questions to a student vote.
Happy B-Day with Papiss Cissé Senegal and Newcastle striker crashes some of the country's most intimate family birthday parties.
Home Is Where Joe Hart Is The England goalkeeper spends a month under voluntary house arrest.
Walcott's Walkouts England and Arsenal winger Theo Walcott travels the country disrupting local council meetings with flamboyant early exits.
Ledley King and I Veteran Tottenham centre half meets Britain's most minor royalty.
Mario Balotelli Tubbies Self-explanatory.
