Sure, policy is important. Personality, too, though some might not like it. What about the real issue that’s already threatening to dominate the #GE2015 campaign? I’m talking, of course, about the battle of the battle buses (or “on-the-road-photo-op-mobiles”, as they are now more correctly referred to).
The Conservative one has a patriotic red, white and blue paint job, and “A BETTER FUTURE FOR YOU, YOUR FAMILY AND BRITAIN” emblazoned boldly down the side. And for Spain, perhaps, where the coach was built, by a company called Irizar. Irizar, which used to be part of the Mondragon Cooperative Corporation, a federation of worker cooperatives, hailed as an alternative to capitalism? Exactly, that one.
Cameron means shrimp in Spanish (well, OK, it’s camarón, but it’s near enough, he’s a shrimp to me), though I’m not sure there’s any significance in that. Or in the fact that this particular Spanish bus has previously been used by Watford football club. He – Dave Shrimp – has signed it, though in English, sadly. Why would you do that, sign a bus?
Inside, there’s a lot of excitement as none of the people on it, apart from the journalists, has ever been on one – a bus – before. Hey, George, there’s a kitchen, who knew? (It’s very posh, the Tory bus.)
The Labour coach, a silver Mercedes, sounds posh, but isn’t. “A better plan. A better future,” it proclaims. Worse facilities though, say the hacks at the back. Still, who needs a kitchen on the road when you’ve got two at home?
It has not been an entirely happy campaign – transport-wise – for Labour. Another vehicle in Ed’s armada, a Fiat Scudo Panorama minibus, broke down on the first day. It didn’t even make it out of party headquarters before the AA had to be called. And there was the whole Pink Lady Van fiasco. Bad for business, bad for bussy-ness … no one is saying.
Nor are the Lib Dems (“Stronger Economy. Fairer Society. Opportunity for Everyone”) faring much better. Theirs – very big and very yellow, like a massive butter going down the road – got stuck in a narrow lane in marginal Oxfordshire. Come on, Nick, you know how to do a U-turn. The vehicle, very yellow inside as well as out, is made by a company called Van Hool, in Belgium.
Surely Ukip will have at least tried to go a little bit British for Nigel’s wheels – Transit, Chieftain tank, something like that, for the People’s Army Tour? No, it’s another bloody Mercedes coach, German to match the missus; that’s not going to go down well with some of the party faithful, is it? I don’t know, they come over here, marry us, get us reliably from A to B … Shame it’s not a Dacia, from Romania.
But that’s not the only fighting vehicle in Nigel’s fleet. There’s another, another German as it happens … Panzer? Actually a purple Smart car. Just the two seats. Just like Ukip. For now …
