The Jump, Channel 4’s celebrity alpine-sports-extravaganza/deathtrap, rears its head once more on Sunday evening. However, this is 2016 and the stocks of celebrities willing to appear on this sort of programme are running dry.
Take Celebrity Big Brother, for instance. The biggest name they could muster this year was Darren Day, and that show only requires you to sit in a house before an audience of almost zero. Compare that to The Jump, where about a third of the competitors will definitely suffer some sort of horrific injury, and you can understand why the A-listers aren’t exactly queuing up to join in.
So treat this as an explainer. Here are The Jump’s contestants, in ascending order of likely success. Also, please note that most of these people will have shattered their pelvis by the middle of next week, and the actual winner will be whichever X Factor runner-up they’ve booked as a stand-in.
James ‘Arg’ Argent
Towie’s walking punchline. Everything about Arg says immediate failure, from his hopeless attempts to do anything with his life (his 2014 autobiography Living it Arg is available for a single penny on Amazon) to his general demeanour (that of a concussed competition winner airdropped into the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan). Even his name sounds like the noise you’d make if you crashed head-first into a tree, which can’t be a great sign.
Sid Owen
Last seen inexplicably hanging out with Chris Brown at the 2013 Grammys, The Jump represents another chance for Owen to try and put EastEnders behind him. That said, he will almost definitely be taken out by an avalanche 10 seconds after someone ironically shouts the word “Rickayyyyyy!” at him.
Louisa Lytton
Still, it could be worse for Sid Owen. It could be that nobody remembers he was ever on EastEnders at all. This is Louisa Lytton’s lot.
Tina Hobley
Hobley succeeded in Holby City because “Hobley” sounds a bit like “Holby”. She doesn’t have that advantage here, unless she suddenly decides to change her name to Tina VaJomp, which she should.
Mark-Francis Vandelli
I’ll be honest, I don’t have a clue who this is. He’s apparently from Made in Chelsea, though, so he doesn’t really have anything to live for. Potentially the wildcard of the show.
Rebecca Adlington
Rumour has it that Adlington burst into tears the first time she stood at the top of The Jump’s titular ski-jump. This doesn’t bode well for her chances of winning.
Sarah Harding
Harding wanted to be an actor, but then she appeared in Run for Your Wife and now she’s going to snap her ankle on The Jump. If anything, this still represents a lenient punishment for appearing in Run for Your Wife.
Tamara Beckwith
Beckwith was an original It Girl, and It Girls love to ski. This means that Tamara’s sense of balance should be second to … oh, wait, she was also literally the first person ever to be voted off Dancing on Ice. Disregard everything I just said.
Linford Christie
Linford Christie, as we know, will do whatever it takes to win. But he’s a big guy, and historically the biggest guys have suffered the worst injuries on The Jump. This could end horribly for him.
Beth Tweddle
A successful Olympian who pretty falls over for a living. The Jump is Tweddle’s to lose.
Brian McFadden
McFadden is an inveterate risk-taker. He left Westlife at the height of their fame. He spent a period of his life known as Bryan because he mistakenly believed that the letter Y is cooler than the letter I. He once recorded a song that sounded like a direct endorsement of date rape. He remained married to Kerry Katona for four entire years. Basically, McFadden cannot possibly fear death and this means we should watch him very closely.
Dean Cain
Cain played Superman once. Imagine being Superman, and then losing an alpine reality show to Arg from Towie. You’d never live it down. Dean Cain must win The Jump. His very existence depends on it.
