STILL AT THE WHEEL
The Fiver knows how it feels to be out of its depth. After all, your fifth-favourite tea-time email has spent the past couple of decades penning missives for The Man on *checks notes* association football, a subject on which we have little to no expertise. When we’re not getting the hairdryer treatment for misspelling the names of exotic foreign teams like “FC Barcelona”, we sit in awed silence as Big Paper heavyweights break down the previous night’s Big Cup action. Pity The Fiver, who thought Sheriff Tiraspol was a new police procedural drama.
Pity too Po’ Ole Gunnar Solskjær, the affable chancer who finds himself stumbling through the merciless Squid Game that is modern football. Just a couple of weeks ago, things were looking up – but then, a goal up and a man down in Switzerland, Po’le delivered a masterclass in how not to defend a lead with 10 men. Since then, United have crashed out of Caffeine Cup and endured a morale-shredding afternoon against Aston Villa. Solskjær has been clinging to the wheel for the best part of three years now; time to lurch out of the layby once more against … oh great, it’s Villarreal.
The club from a town whose entire population wouldn’t fill Old Trafford, managed by Unai Emery, a man with a continental silverware addiction. The team who denied Po’le that elusive first shiny pot in last season’s Big Vase final, winning 100-99 on penalties after a tight tactical battle that lasted the best part of a week. “We don’t fear Manchester United, but we respect them,” said Emery, a coach for whom respect was in short supply in the 18 months he was given to undo years of chronic underachievement at Arsenal.
Much like the Big Paper muses glowering at us across the canteen, Emery might glance over at the home dugout tonight and wonder how exactly that guy is still working here. The Fiver can’t help but feel a kinship with Po’le: he just keeps showing up, pretending he knows what he’s doing in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary. Besides, what would we do without him? Writing a breezy, offbeat preview for Juventus v Chelsea, where two gaunt, balding men will bump tactical systems together for 90 minutes, might have been enough to persuade The Fiver to finally get a proper job.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It was a great player, Dirk Kuyt, who said there is no place in the [Big Cup] for Sheriff. So I’m very happy to destroy his perfect world” – nope, we weren’t expecting FC Sheriff boss Yuriy Vernydub to dig out the former Liverpool winger while celebrating the shock victory over Real Madrid, either. Completely warranted, though.
FIVER LETTERS
“It’s interesting to note that in Sheriff’s 2-1 win against Real Madrid in the Santiago Bernabeu, Madrid had 30 shots to Sheriff’s four yet only managed to score through a penalty. It appears that Championship Manager 4 (circa 2003) was more realistic than I initially thought and I almost regret pressing ctrl+alt+delete and rerunning the game every time I got an ‘unfair’ result. Almost …” – Noble Francis.
“Very sad to hear of the death of ‘Sir’ Roger Hunt. But at least it allowed you to unearth some evocative photos of his career when footballers were just blokes who played football. I especially liked the one from the aftermath of the 1965 FA Cup final where, fag in hand, Roger’s teammate Geoff Strong looks for all the world like he was about to lamp the photographer for intruding on a private moment. Truly, they don’t make them like that any more” – Colin Reed.
“The sad passing of Jimmy Greaves and ‘Sir’ Roger Hunt and their status as actually unknighted legends of Sir Alf’s 1966 World Cup winning team has caused me to pause and reflect. Should we not act before it’s too late?” – Lynda Caines.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Colin Reed.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest episode of Football Weekly here, in which Lionel Messi’s role as a draught excluder is discussed among other things.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Let’s not be reading owt into City’s defeat by PSG, though a trip to Anfield awaits on Sunday, headshakes Rúben Dias: “It affects nothing”.
In news that is very Arsenal, Granit Xhaka, who put in his most influential performance for ages against Spurs, looks likely to be ruled out for three months with knee-knack.
Tommy T has oddly felt obliged to defend N’Golo Kanté after the midfielder was ruled out of Chelsea’s visit to Juventus following a positive test for Covid-19. “We are not now angry with N’Golo, we are concerned about him,” the manager said, because that’s where we are now apparently.
Meanwhile, in Australia … the flamin’ W-League is no more! Phew, but only because the top leagues are being rebranded as A-League Men and A-League Women. “It’s not men’s football or women’s football – it’s just football,” can-I-get-an-amenned Australian Professional Leagues suit Danny Townsend.
And Lancashire fuzz have paid a visit to AFC Fylde after academy players allegedly gave members of the public a soaking with water pistols. The incident is being treated with “the utmost seriousness”, fingerwagged academy manager Chris Ganner.
STILL WANT MORE?
Villarreal keeper Gerónimoooooooooooo Rulli gets his chat on with Sid Lowe on the the gloved thrill of scoring and saving penalties in quick succession to help his side beat Manchester United in last season’s Big Vase final: “I hit it with all my soul,” he smirked.
PSG’s forwards are brilliant, cannily observes floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson, but how far can they really go with a “broken team” akin to a 4-3-0-3?
One of that latter three, Lionel Messi conjured a moment of brilliance to leave the Paris faithful pointing and nodding that they can potentially get behind that kind of thing, suggests Barney Ronay.
Which club has had the most World Cup winners in their managerial hotseat? Your favourite nerdy football column, The Knowledge, knows.
Derby County (-2pts) and Nottingham Forest (5) currently prop up the Championship table and, as Ben Fisher sympathy-nods, the old rivals are united in pain.
Curtis Jones? He’s really good, so says Andy Hunter.
And here’s a lovely Roger Hunt obituary, by Brian Glanville.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
