For too long, we’ve been taught to associate sex with youth. When we’re younger, the message is: expect to have great sex, good body confidence and feel wonderful. These powerful slogans have subtly played their part in making people feel invisible from midlife onwards. But more recently, we’ve come to realise that the sex lives of people in their 50s, 60s and beyond are just as valid. As people are living longer, getting healthier and paying more attention to their physical and emotional wellbeing, they’re starting to say: “I still feel desirable.”
The sooner we realise age never needed to get in the way of intimacy, the better. Especially as there are so many ways to keep midlife sex healthy and fun. Staying connected to our partners and keeping communication lines open is crucial – and that’s not just verbally: kisses and hand holding also count.
Partners can become “intimate strangers” after going through the busy years of parenting and concentrating on the needs of others. But it is possible to get your mojo back by doing all the things we do early on in a relationship. Start by being more physically affectionate with each other. Research suggests that cuddles increase the amount of oxytocin – sometimes known as the “love chemical” – in the blood, and can help reduce stress, anxiety and help you feel happier. But most importantly, talk to your partner about your worries and concerns. It might seem like something you may just want to deal with by yourself, but a caring partner will understand.
As women reach the menopause, a positive side effect that’s rarely talked about is how they can become more sexually confident. This can help when it comes to trying out new sex positions, which can be a great way to reconnect with a partner. And certain positions are better than others for taking the pressure off the bladder. So don’t be ashamed to be vocal with your partner – it’s about sharing concerns and desires, experimenting, and taking things one step at a time.
Don’t let worrying about painful sex or experiencing vaginal dryness or incontinence become a block to intimacy. Tensing up during sex because you are worried about a leak could make intercourse a painful experience. These issues can crop up at various stages of life, so discover what products are on offer to help you out. And small changes – such as reducing your fluid intake or emptying your bladder before sex – can really help.
Lube is your friend and nothing to be ashamed of. You wouldn’t think twice about investing in a good moisturiser for your face as you get older, so why wouldn’t you do the same when your sex life is at stake? Rather than avoiding a doctor and suffering in silence, seek medical advice and look for products that can support you while you’re experiencing dryness or retraining your bladder. Don’t be ashamed of a physical shift in your body that tons of people experience and may be easy to treat.
There’s a ridiculous myth that, as we age, we shouldn’t expect to feel sexual pleasure any more. This isn’t true. How sad if you ditch desire and believe sex and intimacy have to be written off. Make time for each other again by cooking meals, taking a romantic walk together or going to bed earlier than usual.
Just as we make time to keep fit, being intimate is another muscle to exercise and it’s supposed to be enjoyable: we don’t become invisible when we reach a certain age. A simple option that has been shown to reduce leakage is kegel exercises – and the beauty is that you can do them just about anywhere. We’re active, healthy, sexual, sensual beings. Our sex lives shouldn’t feel increasingly taboo with every birthday we have, they should be celebrated and continue to be a significant part of our personal identities.
Anjula Mutanda is a broadcaster and relationship psychologist.
As incontinence affects one in three women over 35, we should all be having more open conversations about this everyday condition that impacts women of all ages. Find out more at tena.co.uk/ageless
