MAYBE INFANTINO WAS GOOD FOR SOMETHING
Zadok The Priest booming. Pedro Pinto preening. Giorgio Marchetti officiating. Balls in bowls. A random former Euro star pulling. Yes, Big Cup last-16 draw stuck to its tried and trusted formula, with Andrey Arshavin, one-time women’s fashion designer turned indolent Arsenal playmaker turned St Petersburg ambassadorial suit, fulfilling duties as he was introduced to a gathering in Nyon and a global TV audience. Nothing could go wrong now. Just how hard can a tombola be?
PSG v Manchester United came out last as the box-office saver of a pretty dry rack of matches. Lionel Messi could mooch round the Old Trafford turf for one last time, Cristiano Ronaldo stood similarly statuesque at the other end, a superstar soccer version of Last Of The Summer Wine. For those interested in United’s version of Succession, the tie offered the chance for the club’s possible next manager, Mauricio Pochettino, to meet the current interim manager, Ralf Rangnick, someone pencilled in to be the suit working above the next manager. It was going to be brilliant.
Mais non. The other half-decent tie, Atlético Madrid v Bayern Munich became the subject of an intrigue as confusing as Sunday’s almighty row following Max Verstappen winning the Vroom Vroom World Championships ahead of Lewis Hamilton. Eagle-eyed viewers noticed the Uefa suits had got their balls all wrong, the finer details of which are far too complicated for The Fiver to properly explain. The latest insult to the self-worth of Manchester United was delivered as Atlético cried foul on social media disgrace Twitter. “Uefa forgot to put United’s ball into the Atlético matchup. Atlético is studying whether it is possible to contest the draw.”
“Following a technical problem with the software of an external service provider that instructs the officials as to which teams are eligible to play each other, a material error occurred,” droned Uefa’s statement. Club suits and m’learned friends were circling and so a redraw began with a lengthy Marchetti apology, with the tombola itself taking longer because actual humans had to check the computer hadn’t goofed up again.
Arshavin, having redone up his loosened tie, did the business and landed Atlético the tie they had really wanted: Manchester United. Bayern meanwhile got Salzburg. And for PSG, the one they really didn’t want: Real Madrid, who pulled Benfica in the first draw and have spent the last couple of years chasing Kylian Mbappé. “That will conclude the Uefa [Big Cup] draw,” cheered Pedro Pinto rather hopefully.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You have to celebrate victories and that … was a big victory. I said maybe too much when I got hired here, but I don’t regret that. It was a big moment. I will do that again if we keep winning trophies” – New York City FC boss Ronny Deila on how he will keep stripping down to his undies if his side win the MLS Cup again, as they did on Saturday.
FIVER LETTERS
“Should I laugh at the chaos of the Big Cup draw or feel sorry for The Fiver for having to rewrite today’s story?” – Krishna Moorthy.
“Manchester City’s USA! USA!! USA!!!-based cousin Yankee Doodle New York City FC giddy-upped and won the MLS Cup for the first time over the weekend. This latest rendition of the Fairytale of New York is sure to stoke conversation about that controversial line. Y’know, the one about the team having become better after the likes of Frank Lampard and Andrea Pirlo skedaddled” – Peter Oh.
“It says something about my snakebelly low expectations that after the botched Big Cup draw I wondered if either Weird Uncle Fiver had done the draw, if Uefa are taking your STOP FOOTBALL campaign seriously or if Uefa felt like doing you guys a solid and making themselves, not The Fiver, the punchbag for The Man today. How did we come to a point where The Fiver looks organised and superior? Where do we go from here, is there any further down we can go?” – Ferg Slade.
“Like many non-F1 fans not acquainted with the finer points of articles 48.12 and 48.13, I was mystified how the driver who was in a distant second place and losing ground with five laps to go was suddenly allowed to catch up and ended up winning the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix. This gave me a great idea how we could turn the dull sport of football into something far more exciting. Let’s say a team is losing 5-0, we are deep into stoppage time and a player goes down injured. The referee could simply reset the score to 0-0, allow the team that was losing to bring on two extra players and play five extra minutes of 13 v 11. I am sure the exciting finale would persuade any watching non-football fans to keep returning for more” – Dominic Tighe.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Ferg Slade.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest Football Weekly podcast. There’s a new Ashes pod about too, if you’re that way inclined.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Brentford v Man Utd is this close to being called off after United’s first-team training ground was closed due to Covid.
Uefa managed to do the Big Vase tombola without c0cking it up and the standout ties were Barcelona v Napoli and the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers v Dortmund.
Newcastle have made the Lille centre-back Sven Botman a priority signing in January with J-Lingz also on Eddie Howe’s wishlist.
And Pep Guardiola is not worried that Manchester City might have got a bit giddy when they signed Jack Grealish for – Fiver does Dr Evil finger sign – £100m. “He has to do exactly what he is doing, no more than that,” blathered Guardiola. “The rest will come.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Dusan Vlahovic played Father Christmas against Salernitana but any parting gifts are sure to be thrown back in his face by Fiorentina’s Ultras, reports Nicky Bandini.
$tevie Mbe did nothing to harm his hero status at Liverpool as he passed the Anfield test, muses Richard Jolly.
This week’s Premier League talking points make grim reading for Jack Grealish, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Richarlison.
We are nearing the toxic endgame for José Mourinho at Roma, reckons floating-football-brain-in-a-jar Jonathan Wilson.
Win! Win! Win!
Streltsov – Jonathan Wilson’s novel.
Like everybody else at Torpedo Moscow, Vanya loves Eduard Streltsov, the dashing young striker who scores hatfuls of goals. But on the eve of the 1958 World Cup, Streltsov is arrested and Vanya has to reconsider everything. Streltsov is a story of fandom and celebrity, of booze and paranoia, of two men who can only really understand the world through football.
The Fiver has three copies to give away to subscribers. To be in with a shout just send an email titled ‘Fiver’ along with your name and postal address to info@theblizzard.co.uk.
Streltsov is available in print and digital editions and Fiver readers can get £1 off by entering GSTREL at the checkout.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
