LADS, IT’S PSG
A lot has been said about the effect Big Cup has had on football down the years, and little of it has been positive, but you won’t catch The Fiver slagging off Uefa’s flagship competition. Not after the hilarity of Sergio Ramos’s cunning ruse blowing up in his face was followed by the the sight of Neymar trying to make sense of yet another spectacular Paris Saint-Germain collapse 24 hours later, with the nobbled Brazilian star helpless on the sidelines as his hapless team-mates outdid themselves by losing to a Manchester United side held together by Lord Ferg’s old chewing gum 24 hours later. Mmmm! Gotta love that schadenfreude! Gotta love the little guy – and for the sake of simplicity, we’ll have to cast the biggest and richest club in England in that role here – landing one on those celebrity-hugging Parisian losers, who’ve only gone and blown it again, this time with a performance of such lazy arrogance that The Fiver isn’t even going to sympathise with them over that VAR call.
Oh PSG! How on earth have you managed to let it happen again? Even with Neymar sending social media wild by palling it up in his box with some green-haired YouTube scamp before everything went very wrong for Thomas Tuchel’s men at the Parc des Princes, the simple truth is there should have been no danger of PSG suffering the humiliation of a third consecutive last-16 exit. Sure, there was talk they were still scarred by their implosion against Barcelona two years ago. But that’s no excuse given the advantage they held over United, who had been sliced and diced by Kylian Mbappé at Old Trafford three weeks ago. No team had managed to overturn a 2-0 defeat in the home leg in the competition’s 64-year history and few gave Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s knack-hit side much of a chance of shocking the French champions.
But, lads – it’s PSG, French football’s very own Arsenal tribute act, a team so prone to spectacular implosions they should probably call themselves the Paris Gunners from now on. They began badly, shipping a comedy goal to Romelu Lukaku and, although they hit back with an equaliser from Juan Bernat, struggled to inconvenience David May and Fred the Red, United’s heroic centre-backs. The lethargy even spread to Michael Oliver’s old chum, Gianluigi Buffon, and Neymar’s bad-word social media rant about the VAR decision that led to Marcus Rashford’s winning penalty cannot disguise the fact that PSG got what they deserved.
As for United, the good times are back with Solskjær. Everything feels possible with the Norwegian in charge. United have a strut in their step again and all they have to do now is decide whether to give him the job on a permanent basis immediately or wait for him to see off Tottenham in the quarters, outwit Manchester City in the last four and win the final thanks to a VAR-assisted goal from Ferg against Bayern Munich. And if that all sounds too fanciful, you need to embrace the magic of Big Cup.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Last year we asked for VAR in [Big Cup] because we got screwed in the semi-final and tonight they’ve got VAR and we still get robbed. Patrik Schick was clearly clipped in the box, VAR shows it, and nothing is given. I’m tired of this sh1t. I give up” – Roma president James Pallotta is still raging over their extra-time exit in Porto.
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Football Weekly Extra is here, yo. It’s also going out on the road again … to Glasgow and Belfast.
FIVER LETTERS
“Parisians may be happy to absorb London’s fleeing companies and bankers. But at what cost to The Round of PSG? Does the city’s biggest football club have to routinely fail at Big Cup second round for the next decade until Frexit?” – Jonathan Alphonsus.
“Would it be churlish to point out that Manchester United only used to celebrate like that when they’d actually won Big Cup? Or would it simply betray my growing fear that they might be about to do so again?” – Tim Woods.
“Napoleon once said it is better to be lucky than good, either in reference to generals or to Manchester United’s tactical strategy. Having said that, if he were here now then he could at least tell us what the French is for ‘PSG bottled it again’” – Noble Francis.
“Re: German culinary issues (Fiver letters passim). I grew up in Formby eating Reibekuchen at least once a week. My brother and me would prefer ketchup as an accompaniment, considered somewhat heathen, but my mother – who was German – would have apple compote, which is more correct. You can also add some ham. Speaking of which, has Chris Sutton turned into a giant one? Listening to him on 6’O’Clockish Phone-in Pantomime Disgrace the other evening, he would make a statement and then exclaim ‘Come on!’, probably while gesticulating wildly” – Patrick Wilkinson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Jonathan Alphonsus, who wins a copy of Tales from the Dugout. The cupboard’s looking clearer, so one more prize to come.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Mick McCarthy has included Newport striker Padraig Amond in his first squad back as Republic O’Ireland manager, along with Luton’s James Collins, Bournemouth keeper Mark Travers and Fiver Towers’ Theme Pub O’Fiver.
Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss $tevie Mbe fears the worldwide image of Scottish fitba [there’s a worldwide image of Scottish fitba? – Fiver Ed] could be tarnished by any further unsavoury off-field incidents this season. “We don’t want to get in a situation where people are talking about what is coming from the stands and talking about the bad side of the game,” he tooted.
Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino has described his shock at receiving a two-game touchline ban and £10,000 fine from the FA for conduct at Burnley he had to apologise for. “I think it’s completely unfair,” he sobbed.
Brendan Rodgers has spoken of his family’s “horrendous” ordeal after their home in Scotland was broken into while they were sleeping.
Newcastle midfielder Sean Longstaff is set to miss the rest of the season with knee-knack.
And Notts County owner ‘Big’ Alan Hardy claims the club’s sale will be agreed to one of two prospective buyers within a month. “Both have said what they want to do is get to the Championship,” he cheered of the League Two basement side. “Both have the funds to do that. One proof of funds I have seen had £900m in the bank.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Bring on the Women’s World Cup, cheers Eni Aluko.
Jonathan Wilson on his long run-up for PSG.
The French press wasn’t sparing in its criticism either.
How Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s carefree outsiders left PSG in the dust. By Barney Ronay.
Paul Wilson casts his eye over VAR and the game’s woolly laws.
FC Cincinnati’s Nazmi Albadawi chats stepping up to MLS and playing for Palestine.
Ajax nostalgia features in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
