Gary Barlow is said to be in "advanced talks" to replace Simon Cowell as a judge on the next series of The X Factor. Mr Nice replaces Mr Nasty is how they're billing it. Of course, Cowell's real value to the show is not his nastiness, but the fact that he's the boss. Having the boss on camera is like having your headmaster inexplicably enter the classroom and stand cryptically in the corner, hands behind his back, wordlessly terrifying the bejeezus out of teacher and pupils alike. Cowell is not just judging the acts but the judges and the audience too (and perhaps, yes, humanity as a whole). Will we ever again witness that look of intense discomfort in Dannii Minogue's eyes once her T-shirted master has disappeared and taken his Sword Of Damocles with him? No. It will be a free-for-all, with Barlow cast as the hapless supply teacher. There is no hope for ITV now. Unless someone can dig out Peter Sisson's number and make him an offer he can't refuse, of course.
