Name: Angela Lansbury.
Age: 88.
Appearance: Essence of Englishwoman, lightly dusted with Hollywood glamour.
I. Love. Her. Who doesn't? Signed with MGM in 1943, showered with Tony awards, Golden Globes and Emmy noms ever since. Due for an honorary Oscar this weekend in recognition of her 70 years in the biz.
And – um – she will be there to receive it, yes? Yes, of course, why wouldn't she be?
I just thought perhaps we were talking about her because she'd … you know … maybe joined the rest of the MGM stars? In heaven? Died, you mean? No, no – La Lansbury is as healthy as we could wish, if not quite as happy.
Oh no! What's upset her? News that the mystery series Lansbury starred in for 12 series until 1996 as Jessica Fletcher – twinkly eyed retired schoolteacher-turned-successful detective novelist, widow and non-pareil of non-professional crimesolvers – is shortly to be relaunched by NBC.
But she should be delighted, surely? Donning her sleuthing specs and sensible shoes to solve a few last crimes in 40 minutes not including ad breaks – what fun! Ah, no, you misunderstand. Murder, She Wrote will be coming back with actor Octavia Spencer playing a hospital administrator and amateur detective who self-publishes her first mystery novel.
Oh noes. They're seriously replacing Angie Langie? Why, cruel fortune, why? Probably because she doesn't do much filming any more. Lansbury's last big screen role was in 2011's Mr Popper's Penguins.
I see her on screen all the time! That's your Murder, She Wrote boxset.
Touché. Are you telling me Ansbo Lansbo's retired? Ha! Far from it. But I am telling you to stop messing up her name.
Sorry. What's she been up to? Other than being a legend? Well, she has enjoyed something of a fashion renaissance over the past couple of years, having been shot by oft-sleezy uber-photographer Terry Richardson for the cover of Gentlewoman.
Oh no! Did Richardson photograph her in a compromising situation? Actually, no, she looked rather elegant.
Phew! What else? She spent spring this year on stage in Australia with a touring production of Driving Miss Daisy, and has hinted she may return to the West End stage next year for the first time since the mid-1970s.
In a stage version of Murder, She Wrote? No, sadly that's not a thing.
Do say: "She could totally still do it."
Don't say: "I wonder if Brad and Angelina are up for a remake of Hart to Hart?"
