IT’S BIG CUP FINAL TIME, BABY
It has been a financial, logistical and physical nightmare but The Fiver has finally completed its journey and all that remains is to fritter away 24 hours or so before kick-off in Saturday’s Big Cup final. The overland trek was gruelling, there have been outrageous bribes, costly misunderstandings and a particularly heated argument over the state of our accommodation, not to mention of our personal hygiene, but all that matters is that when the players of Liverpool and Real Madrid stride out on to the pitch in Kiev’s Olimpiyskiy Stadium, The Fiver will be roaring them on from our favourite stool at The Lengthy Barf. Occasions like these are not to be missed! And where else would we be?
As more fragrant observers have noted, Saturday’s match-up is a repeat of 1981’s Big Cup final, although let’s hope that does not turn out to be the case because it wasn’t much of a spectacle, truth be told. In fact, these showpiece duels are often letdowns for the neutral Tin swiller. But there’s something in the air – perhaps a swirling shot by Him, or Loris Karius after colliding with Dejan Lovren – that suggests this one could be different and more akin to the thrillers of yore. Like when Real used to win these things 3-2, 4-3 or 7-3.
Or, indeed, like when Real lost 5-3 to a Benfica side featuring Eusébio, Mário Coluna and James Milner. Only once since that 1962 extravaganza have we been treated to a final in which both teams have scored more than one goal. That, of course, was in 2005 when a canny display of first-half incompetence by Liverpool set the scene for Milan to be mowed down in the second half by a barrage of custard pies. Oh how onlookers laughed as yellow liquid dripped down Paolo Maldini’s incredulous face and Djinkin’ Djimi Traoré made off with a winner’s medal!
You get the feeling that if anyone can make mugs out of this Real team, who’ve been dodging punchlines all season, then it is Jürgen Klopp’s gloriously wacky troupe.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“His initials are LFC. My missus is an Evertonian so I had to register him when she was still under sedation” – amid some transport chaos elsewhere, Martin Cleary, organiser of a 30-hour, 2,750km jaunt for Liverpool fans on a minibus to Ukraine, on the road with 17-year-old son, Lewis Francis Clearly.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, a tale of Peruvian woe.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your synapses sparking to click this link for Football Weekly Extra.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“This is quite excellent and might interest your readers. Have a good weekend” –Tony Crawford.
“Re: Vissel Kobe’s owner discussing Andrés Iniesta’s DNA (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). They’re going to clone him? Best get down to the bookies and whack a tenner on Japan to lift the World Cup in 2038” – Jim Hearson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
THE RECAP
Get the best of Big Website’s coverage sent direct to your inbox every Friday lunchtime (BST). Has the added bonus of being on time. Sign up here.
BITS AND BOBS
Lucy Bronze declared Lyon Féminin’s Big Cup triumph as the best moment of her career after an utterly preposterous extra-time finale in Kiev.
Beancounters reckon Saturday’s Championship play-off final between Aston Villa and Fulham is worth at least £160m. “In football terms [Big Cup] final is the bigger game, but the financial rewards on offer in Kiev are dwarfed by those at stake in north London,” cheered someone or other from Deloitte.
Arsenal could make Stephan Lichtsteiner the first signing of their Unai Emery era.
Sunderland have gone through their managerial shortlist – front and back! – to end up with St Mirren’s Jack Ross as manager.
The latest state of things.
Jürgen Klopp has his eyes on Lyon’s Nabil Fekir and is happy to splash out £61m – but only after Big Cup final is done and dusted.
Chelsea are chewing the fat with Maurizio Sarri’s representatives as they sound him out over replacing Antonio Conte.
Joe Hart may not be on the plane but Yorkshire Tea bags will be in Russia, courtesy of a spot in Fabian Delph’s luggage. “One hundred per cent, I will take them,” he whooped.
John Eustace has swapped life in the dugout at Kidderminster Harriers for life as Steve McClaren’s No 2 at QPR. “I can’t wait to get going,” he roared.
And caretaker manager Nick Daws has been promoted to the gig full-time at Firewall FC.
STILL WANT MORE?
Get the lowdown on your Big Cup final teams with this jazzy explainer.
Barney Ronay gets ready for a rumble of the attack-minded aristocracy in Kiev.
Watch out for Bobby F, warns Andy Hunter.
This is where we all are at the moment, gushing at news that Ryan Sessegnon can use a household appliance, sighs Jacob Steinberg.
World Cup stunning moments: Gordon Banks is left stricken!
Richard Foster on the play-offs and bouncebackability.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
