How to spot: The rugby league kit is usually a giveaway. If this is combined with sleeve tattoos, generous helpings of hair product, a blonde girlfriend and 634kg of excess muscle then congratulations, you’ve bagged yourself an actual player!
Natural habitat: Depends on the species: stadium (enthusiasts), the sofa (the lazy) or the pub (boozers/fighters).
Most likely to sing: Anything by Ricky Martin. Seriously. He’s providing the entertainment at the final.
Most likely to say: ROOOOOOSTERRRRSS!/SEA EAAAAGLLLLESSSS!
Most likely to drink: Beer. Some more beer. Possibly a bit more beer.
Illustration: Oslo Davis/Guardian
How to spot: Onesies. 1D-branded everything. Erm, Joy Division t-shirts?
Natural habitat: Hotels, airports, large hysterical huddles in the vicinity of the band.
Most likely to sing: What Makes You Beautiful. Over and over again.
Most likely to say: *High pitched scream*
Most likely to drink: Hard liquor to numb the pain (parents). Carrot juice (fans).
Illustration: Oslo Davis/Guardian
How to spot: The professionals: sailorsuits, braid, medals, swords. The salty sea dogs: terracotta tans.
Natural habitat: The sea, funnily enough.
Most likely to sing: Advance Australia Fair. Bugle calls. Perhaps a shanty.
Most likely to say: Aye aye, Captain.
Most likely to drink: A bottle of rum?
Illustration: Oslo Davis/Guardian
How to spot: Over-developed thumbs. Deathly pallor.
Natural habitat: Indoors, basking in the glow of multiple monitors.
Most likely to sing: Still Alive, from Portal.
Most likely to say: GG noobsauce.
Most likely to drink: Caffeinated beverages, and lots of them.
Photograph: Oslo Davis/Guardian
How to spot: They'll be doing the spotting, thank you very much.
Natural habitat: Front and centre on the foreshore, binoculars in hand.
Most likely to sing: "I like big boats and I cannot lie … "
Most likely to say: Check out the Mk 41 VLS on that frigate!
Most likely to drink: Tea, from their own vacuum flasks.
Illustration: Oslo Davis/Guardian
How to spot: Crown, sceptre, fancy robe, weak chin but excellent tee...... Oh, a royalist. Fake crown, fake sceptre, fake fancy robe, weak chin, middling teeth.
Natural habitat: Preferably England but Australia will have to do.
Most likely to sing: God Save the Queen
Most likely to say: See above.
Most likely to drink: Whatever Harry’s having.
Illustration: Oslo Davis/Guardian
How to spot: Decidedly cooler than most of the crowd gathered in the harbour. Decidedly less interested in boats.
Natural habitat: Cinemas, bookshops, art shops. Inside.
Most likely to sing: There’s only one Alan Moore, one Alan Moore ...
Most likely to say: See you at Art Spiegleman later.
Illustration: Oslo Davis/Guardian
