“Like rap music and a desperately ethical deli, we go together.” Not quite the words Tammy Wynette and George Jones sang in 1971, but ones the people behind Sweetgreen seem to believe. This week, the sustainable restaurant officially turned the title of Kendrick Lamar’s song Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe, from his debut album Good Kid MAAD City, into the twee punnery of a “beets don’t kale my vibe” salad – a healthy meal to dig into while wearing the matching T-shirt, perhaps.
That quivering death rattle you can hear is indeed the sound of your happiness evaporating into dust. The sweet sound of a health-food store repackaging and capitalising on an album about struggle, personal turmoil and the narratives of a cast of downtrodden characters.
But it’s not all bad news. Surely we’re about to see other companies and rappers step forward to offer up their own snack-related collaborations. Here are a few we imagine would go down a right treat – alas, there will be no Beets by Dre.
Rick Ross: Ima Boss pear sauce
The sell: For the pear connoisseur, there can be no greater addition to your pantry than Ricky Rozay’s tart, flavourful and classic pear sauce. A fine substitute for applesauce, and a wonderful accompaniment to pork dishes, waffles and toast. Can be eaten straight out of the jar if you’re on your way to a secret society meeting at the yacht club, but in a hurry.
Ingredients: Pears, sugar, lemon juice, cinnamon – and a splash of Ricky Rozay’s favorite sparkling wine if you’re feeling flirty.
Slogan: Shout out to all these pears
Drake: Wurst Behaviour sausages
The sell: Culinary experts from Canada’s little-known sausage-making community have combined forces to craft this German-inspired wonder. The maplewood-smoked pork adds a robust flavour to hot dogs and casseroles, and doubles as a makeshift microphone when you suddenly feel compelled to yell “runnin’ through the six with my woes”. Is also a useful tool for swatting away the haters. Wurst!
Ingredients: Finely ground pork and bacon, mixed spices, Drake’s salty tears, intestinal casing
Slogan: Vegetarians never lo’ed us
Snoop Dogg: Smoked Cheese Every Day
The sell: A deliciously creamy brie, smoked lightly – come on, not like that – over oak woods to lend it a distinctive taste and odour. Delightful spread on crackers or shovelled bare-handed into one’s mouth while leaning on the fridge after an evening of that other type of smoking.
Ingredients: Whole milk, rennet, smokiness
Slogan: It’s the one and only b-r-i-e
Nicki Minaj: Starchips, in assorted flavours
The sell: Channel Minaj’s glamorous lifestyle by indulging in Starchips. Cut from the finest potatoes, and baked rather than fried in coconut oil – “pretty on fleek”, ladies! – these high-class chips are available in healthy Super Plaice, Bang Bang Chicken, Beets in the Trap flavors.
Ingredients: Potatoes, coconut oil, salt, natural flavorings
Slogan: Starchips are baked, not fri-i-i-ied
Childish Gambino: Childish Hambino sandwich meat
The sell: Succulent cuts of processed pork roll, cured on the deck of that sunny-looking mansion from Gambino’s Clapping for the Wrong Reasons short film. Ideal crammed into sandwiches or thrown onto the ceiling in the middle of the night as you contemplate the meaning of existence and start to write your own screenplay.
Ingredients: Dubious pork, sodium, artificial pork flavours
Slogan: I’ll be right by your side, great with mustard on rye
