It is obligatory around this time of year for me to write some kind of Christmas column in Family. As every Christmas idea has already been written, I have decided instead to do a mash-up of all the other Christmas columns I’ve ever done or that someone else has done or will do in the next few days – Now That’s What I Call a Christmas Column: Volume 1.
It’s all gone to pot, though, hasn’t it, what with commercialism and everything. Kids get too many presents and we are powerless to stop it because of peer pressure and because we’re too soft. I was happy with a yo-yo, a tangerine and a bit of string – whatever happened to those days? Have we forgotten the spirit of Christmas? I certainly have. The kids seem to like it, though, that’s what it’s all about. Mind you, I’m not surprised given the amount of money we spend on them. Still, I suppose it’s good for the economy. Have you seen the lights down Oxford Street, they’re all sponsored now by some movie or other, what’s that got to do with buying presents? Christmas shopping, what a nightmare, I always do mine too far in advance/right at the last moment, aren’t I lovably ridiculous? Especially as it seems to start earlier and earlier every year! Not that you’re even allowed to call it Christmas nowadays because someone or other will get offended, it’s got to be Xmas or the Winterval, shocking. Thank God there’s still turkey and Christmas crackers, though a lot of people don’t even have turkey any more do they, they show off by eating goose or partridge. Some good jokes in the crackers, though. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross mouse cards. That’s a good one. You got to have a paper hat on, though, haven’t you, because it’s fun, isn’t it? That’s what Christmas is all about.
We used to stop everything to listen to the Queen’s Christmas Message, but nobody bothers any more do they? It’s a shame really, even though it makes you want to drill your eyes out with turkey skewers to relieve the boredom. They’ll be sorry when she’s dead, though. I always drink and eat too much, aren’t I lovably ridiculous? It’s for the kids though isn’t it? Mind you, now they don’t even talk to you on Christmas Day because they’ve all got their faces stuck in their brand new tablets and gaming consoles. Did I tell you that one of them nearly saw me putting the stocking up this year? I expect they know about Santa Claus anyway, how the fuck are elves going to make Apple iPads?
It’s a Wonderful Life, what a great movie/load of overrated slop, eh? Too many repeats on the telly. Me and the wife decide every year to stop giving each other presents just to save money and intense disappointment, but we always crack in the end, aren’t we lovably ridiculous? What about Christmas trees, the price of the things, but you’ve got to have a real one, even if it makes a mess on the carpet and the dustman wont take it away afterwards
Why are Christmas tree chocolates always so bad anyway? Angel or star on top? Christmas nuts, that’s another funny thing, have you ever met anyone who likes Brazils? It’s tradition, though, that’s what it’s all about. Whatever happened to Medjool dates? Christmas is really to celebrate the birth of Jesus, who ended up demonstrating beyond all doubt the fate that befalls people when they’re too nice. So much for peace, love and understanding, whatever happened to that anyway, there’s a song about that, let’s put it on, along with every other hackneyed Christmas song that we have to put up with every year, my favourite is that one that goes “dubbadubbadumdumdubbadubbadum”. Is that 650 words? Thank Christ for that. Merry Xmas from @tinytimlottwriter.
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