FIF … AH
As you’ll probably know, it all kicked off at Fifa on Wednesday morning. Nine of the governing body’s assorted wonks have been indicted by the frankly terrifying-sounding USA! USA!! USA!!! Department of Justice, on charges including but not limited to “racketeering, wire fraud and money laundering conspiracies”. The lucky chaps are: Jeffrey Webb, Eugenio Figueredo, Eduardo Li, Julio Rocha, Costas Takkas, Rafael Esquivel, José Maria Marin, Nicolás Leoz and, of course, our old friend Jack Warner.
In addition, the Swiss authorities will be conducting their own investigation, during which they will have a word on the QT with 10 members of the Fifa ExCo who took part in that lovely old World Cup vote back in 2010. Those are: Issa Hayatou (Cameroon), Vitaly Mutko (Russia), Angel María Villar Llona (Spain), Michel D’Hooghe (Belgium), Senes Erzik (Turkey), Worawi Makudi (Thailand), Marios Lefkaritis (Cyprus), Jacques Anouma (Ivory Coast), Rafael Salguero (Guatemala) and Hany Abo Rida (Egypt). The Swiss attorney general says they’ll be asked about “criminal mismanagement and money laundering”, having seized assorted electronic data and documents from Fifa HQ.
So, all in all, quite a day, and quite a collection of dignitaries. And a day you would think is, to say the least, not ideal for Fifa given that the coronatio … sorry, election of Sepp Blatter as top dog, major domo and El Presidente is due to take place on Friday. Not a bit of it, mind, according to Fifa human shield Walter de Gregorio, who stepped up to face the world’s press as their collective jaw swung on its hinges: “This for Fifa is good. It is not good in terms of image or reputation, but in terms of cleaning up, this is good … It is not a nice day, but it is also a good day.” And on Sepp’s state of mind, for that is what we were all wondering about, De Gregorio repeatedly made clear that has boss had absolutely nothing to do with the officials he oversaw as president being arrested, and that he was “relaxed” but not “dancing in his office”.
He wasn’t the only one declaring that there was nothing to see here. Warner released a statement saying: “I have fought fearlessly against all forms of injustice and corruption. I have been afforded no due process and I have not even been questioned in this matter. I reiterate that I am innocent of any charges. I have walked away from the politics of world football to immerse myself in the improvement of lives in this country where I shall, God willing, die.”
It’s also worth noting what a few of those who are to be asked for their views on all of this had to say before about such allegations:
- Leoz, in 2013: “A while ago the press in England were at it, now the German press do it. I don’t know. What is it that drives these people?”
- Mutko, who in 2010 attacked the British press for “portraying Russia as a hotbed of corruption”, said: “We’re prepared to show everything. We’ve always acted within the law.”
- And in January, Webb said: “I believe that the tremendous work that our integrity committee did in bringing a level of transparency to our confederation … we will have implemented every single one of their recommendations for transparency in governance.”
Five days on from Sepp declaring that “the next two months will showcase some of our key events”, the investigation continues.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I shouldn’t really admit it – I decided to write it as a novel … I don’t think I have any real quotes from him. I tried to get an illusion of him, to try and find the story. I tried to find the literary Ibrahimovic … The first thing he said was: ‘What the [eff] is this? I never said this!’ But after a while I think he understood what I was trying to do. Nowadays he thinks it’s really his story” – Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s ghostwriter David Lagercrantz admits that those quotes you liked from ‘I Am Zlatan’ were made up by him.
GET YOUR VASE ON
When The Fiver wakes up every morning, it is faced with choices. Stay in bed till 2pm, drinking tins and eating the two-day old bacon and egg sandwich that it found stuffed between the wall and mattress, or get up. Wallow in its natural aroma – a smell that whiffs like a cross between a turd covered in burnt hair and the time the raccoon got in the copier – or wash. Stay on the couch with the curtains closed, shoving great big spoons of butter into its mouth while watching another episode of Kirstie Allsopp’s Home Style, or go outside and into the sunshine. Needless to say that butter tasted almost as good as the sandwich and The Fiver is used to that smell by now, even if the neighbours aren’t.
But The Fiver is not the only entity with choices to make these days. Football clubs do too. They can choose to have a crack at winning a trophy and writing their names in the history books. They can choose to try and give their fans something to remember for the rest of their lives. They can choose to chase glory and success, the whole point of competitive, top-level sport. Or, they can choose to dodge the glory and the success and instead opt to rest their players’ tired, little legs in the hope that the poor lambs can muster a few more piddling points that get the club a slightly higher place in the league and thus more cash money. Modern football clubs, eh? Yeah, with a capital C.
But come here, not every side club can be smeared by The Fiver’s one-coloured paintbrush. Take tonight’s Big Vase finalists, Sevilla and Dnipro, for example. The Spaniards clearly care about the glory as they are aiming for a record fourth title, while the Ukrainians have fought their way to the final despite having to face some of Europe’s biggest clubs, play 18 games and all of their home matches in front of stands – often empty – 400 miles away across the war-torn region in Kiev. Makes all those other complaints about too many games and tiredness look weaker than seven days, doesn’t it?
And what’s more, both sides are more excited about it than a kid tasting popping candy for the first time. “We are emotional, we are excited because this is a first final for Dnipro,” cheered captain Ruslan Rotan. “We will try to get hold of ourselves as soon as the whistle blows as we will have to concentrate. However, we are hungry for it so we will do everything we can to win.” Sevilla’s José Antonio Reyes was equally starry-eyed when quizzed about winning: “This is history and for Sevilla it would be a fourth title, which would be a record. It’s a great goal for us, so we are hopeful that we will be lucky, make our supporters happy and make history.” It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities, sniffed someone somewhere sometime ago. Some clubs would do well to remember that, as would The Fiver in fairness.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Paul Doyle from 7.45pm BST for MBM coverage of Dnipro 1-3 Sevilla in Big Vase final.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
What do you mean you already know everything there is to know about Dnipro? Liar. Allow Jonathan Wilson and Andy Brassell to fill in the gaps about the Big Vase finalists.
FIVER LETTERS
[Snip – Fiver Lawyers].
[Snip – Fiver Lawyers].
[Snip-snippety-snip – Fiver Lawyers].
“So Xavi is leaving Barcelona at the end of the season, a one-club man who was born and raised in the local area, captained the club to European glory and seemed to be the embodiment of the club on the pitch and that’s it, he just effs off? No six-month farewell tour? No get-Xavi-to-Berlin campaign? No mawkish final game at Camp Nou where a guard of honour greats him and his children while various Barça legends sit in the stands holding back the tears? I suppose he’ll just have to make do with polishing his umpteen league winners medals” – Adrian Foster.
“I wanted rid of Big Sam (yesterday’s Fiver) when he was at Blackeye Rovers. Despite a top-10 finish and Milk Cup semi-final, I knew we would likely struggle without him and suspected we may well end up in a relegation dogfight, but just did not care. He manages teams the same way I manage my diet: Monday to Thursday dull ‘heart healthy’ type things, like chicken breast (no skin) boiled potatoes, broccoli and peas; I go through the motions because on Friday I want a vindaloo and naan bread takeaway, Saturday to eat out and Sunday, well, the Sunday roast (still with broccoli and peas, but wearing a gravy overcoat). Allardyce sets his seasons out like that: away at Manchester United, chicken and broccoli, home to West Brom, steak and chips. And that’s fine when it’s me trying to keep my weight the right side of 17 stone, but it’s not OK when you mess with people’s delusions and set out realistic expectations. I know we will likely lose away to United, but I don’t ever want to believe we will lose, not secretively, not really. Every time I watch my team I want all the excitement of a Friday night curry, even though I know it will likely be chicken and broccoli. Allardyce strips you of that hope. He fights the fights he can win, he makes a realist of you and that’s not on. Football’s the fancy trifle, not the stick of celery. Bah, I’m all hungry now” – Marten Allen.
“Can I be the first person to make a prediction for the new footballing season ahead? Think of all the assistant managers of our time, freeloading on the back of the success of the manager who employed them – I’m thinking Sammy Lee, Brian Kidd, Alan Irvine, etc. Now, what happened when they stepped up to become a No1? Exactly. So Derby County fans should look away now – Paul Clement of Real Madrid, prove me wrong, sir” – Marc Meldrum.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Adrian Foster.
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BITS AND BOBS
Andy King, the former Everton midfielder who was working as MK Dons’ chief scout, has died at the age of 58 after suffering a heart attack.
Having already boxed off their defensive problems by re-signing Kolo, Kolo Kolo, Kolo Kolo, Kolo Kolo Touré, Liverpool have turned their attentions to attack, with Aston Villa’s Christian Benteke the man they want up top.
Arsène Wenger was in the unusual position of only having one bit of knack to report before the FA Cup final, with Danny Welbeck the unlucky man.
Napoli have stressed that a press conference called to announce the departure of Rafa Benítez is … oh, OK, fair enough … is not to announce the departure of Rafa Benítez.
FC Midtjylland have packed goalkeeper Jakob Haugaard off to Stoke City. “It is big deal to send a player to the Premier League and we wish Jakob the best of luck,” cheered club suit Claus Steinlein, as Asmir Begovic headed down to the suitcase shop himself.
As if he hadn’t received enough praise already, Eddie Howe has pipped José Mourinho to the title of LMA Manager of the Year. One assumes José took news of his defeat with good grace and humility.
Manuel Pellegrini reckons you should get down the bookies and put the mortgage on him still being Manchester City manager next season. Or something like that.
And while QPR have released Rio Ferdinand, Joey Barton, Subbuteo’s Shaun Wright-Phillips and Bobby Zamora, they’ve offered a new deal to Clint Hill.
STILL WANT MORE?
“[He] put on so many videos I ran out of popcorn,” Joaquín replied. “He’s obsessed by football, it’s practically an illness. He’s one of the best managers I’ve had. I worked with him for three years … I couldn’t handle a fourth.” Working under Sevilla coach Unai Emery sounds … intense, as Sid Lowe found out.
Daniel Harris has been watching Manchester United all season. Like, all season. Eesh. Here’s what he thought of Louis van Gaal’s first campaign at Old Trafford.
Quizquizquizquizquizquizquizquizquizquizquiz. See how much you know about the Premier League season just gone.
What’s the most expensive thing named after a footballer? The Knowledge gets out the pricing gun on stuff like roads, bridges and, erm, asteroids.
“It’s the power of people” – Proper Journalism’s David Conn hears from those behind FC United of Manchester’s remarkable story.
In timely fashion, the first new feature for Fifa 16 will be unveiled on Thursday. What would you like it to be?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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