SALUTING OUT OF THE WINDOW OF HIS ROLLS ROYCE PHANTOM DROPHEAD COUPE
Christian Benteke woke up in his Algarve hotel room this morning, switched the television on and frantically searched for LFC TV to catch Brendan Rodgers’s team taking on the might of Brisbane Roar. Having momentarily found himself transfixed by re-runs of the telenovela Morangos com Açúcar, he got back to business and kept flicking channels in hope of catching a glimpse of the game. He could only find BBC World Service and Eurosport, though, so rushed to get his laptop from his bag and eventually found a dodgy stream just in time for Dimitri Petratos’s opening goal.
“Are you having second thoughts?” asked Fabian Delph, peering over his shoulder as the Australian giants took the lead. “Because last Friday I did when Manchester City came calling.”
“Not at all,” Benteke replied. “How can I not improve an attacking lineup where the biggest goal threat has perennial knack, last season’s expensive back-ups were too busy fighting with the captain over taking a penalty, and the best player has gone to City instead because he likes the colour blue and wants to win trophies? Plus, City only wanted you to fill their homegrown quota anyway.”
Hurt by that comment, Delph stormed out of the room and stomped his way down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. There he was met by a beaming Tactics Tim, who was a little too chirpy for someone about to lose his prime goalscorer. “Why so happy, gaffer?” Delph asked with a mixture of bemusement and annoyance in his voice.
“You’re not going to believe who I have lined up to replace Christian,” came Tactic Tim’s giddy reply. “Only gonna cost £100,000 a week in wages, too.” Having scored two goals in 13 appearances last season due to myriad factors ranging from family disputes to suspicious injuries, Emmanuel Adebayor is on his way to Birmingham, incessantly practising his saluting out of the window of his Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe, according to Fiver #sources. Then again, in a world where Younes Kaboul is £500,000 more expensive than Robin van Persie, money in football does not always abide by logic. Delph, meanwhile, is considering a U-turn on his U-turn and now quite fancies the same shade of blue as Sterling.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was counting on him big time, but he told me that he wanted to go home” – Slaven Bilic quickly learns that if there’s one player you probably shouldn’t count on big time, it’s Stewart Downing, who hotfooted it back to the cosy surroundings of Middlesbrough from West Ham last night.
FIVER SPAM
“We Drive A Car With Our Minds, This Is Not A Joke!”
“Don’t miss out! USA Flight SALE ends today!”
“Brake Boosters, Calipers & Masters for Ferrari, Lamborghini & Maserati Models …”
“All Grappa On Special Offer!”
• Please, please, please send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Erm, the Grappa one.
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BITS AND BOBS
All aboard Friday’s transfer-tastic merry-go-round!
Atlético Madrid are having a good old chin wag with Chelsea about bringing Filipe Luís back to Spain.
Chelsea want John Stones for £20m. Everton say no way José!
Everton have become seduced by the idea of snaffling Manchester United’s Jonny Evans for around £8m. And so are United.
United (still) want Real Madrid’s Sergio Ramos. Thing is, so does Real Madrid manager Rafa Benítez.
But Rafa could yet let Karim Benzema leave for Arsenal. Possibly. Maybe.
Other news that wouldn’t fit on the merry-go-round …
Juventus have poured freezing cold water over the now soggy news that Paul Pogba might jump ship to Barcelona. “Whoever is interested in the player needs to talk to Juventus and not with Mino Raiola, who is nonetheless his [Mr 15%]. But the player is not for sale,” spoil-sported Juve suit Giuseppe Marotta.
Queen’s Celtic will zoom to either Azerbaijan or Montenegro in the next round of Big Cup qualifying (if they can beat European heavyweights Stjarnan).
Liverpool have beaten Brisbane Roar. The internet erupts.
And former Liverpool midfielder Brian Hall has died at the age of 68 after losing his battle with leukaemia. RIP Brian.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe spent Thursday cracking gags and swinging from exercise ropes with former Barcelona president and current Barcelona presidential candidate Joan Laporta. Here’s his exclusive interview for your eyes only.
A big sign that reads ‘SCANDAL’ follows Asamoah Gyan everywhere he goes. Which, most recently, is China, by the way. Floating football brain in a box Jonathan Wilson has the latest.
From Andy Cole’s tackle to Dixie Dean’s motorcycle miracle, here’s a pre-season-based Joy of Six, courtesy of Paul Doyle and Conrad Leach.
Kaká? $tevie Mbe? No it’s not yet another retrospective of that Big Cup final, but a glimpse into the future: a MLS weekend preview, by Simon Evans.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
