THE PANIK BUTTON
A lot has happened in the month since Everton invited Ronald Koeman to explore new opportunities beginning with the words Do One. Leicester have appointed a new manager. West Ham have appointed a new manager. The Zimbabwean army have helped overthrow one of the world’s longest-ruling dictators and appoint a successor. And Everton’s owner, Farhad Moshiri, has plugged in his laptop and begun typing “football manager” into Google.
Everton have also played five matches since ditching Koeman. They even won one of those matches, against a team who contrived to throw away a two-goal lead. Naturally, the manager of the beaten team is the one person whom Everton are known to have approached about the vacant managerial position at Goodison Park. The Fiver assumes, at least, that it was the vacant managerial position that Everton wanted to speak to Watford’s Marco Silva about, but who knows, they may have wanted him for the vacant striker position. There are, you see, quite a lot of vacancies at Everton at the moment, as the club effectively wanders the Premier League streets with no clothes on, insisting they are not stark naked, merely “between outfits”.
Watford have told Everton that Silva is going nowhere so they can sodding well go elsewhere. RB Leipzig intimated much the same after reports emerged that Everton’s search engine may throw up the name Ralf Rangnick, currently sporting director at the German club. But Leipzig claim Rangnick is about to sign a new contract with them and, at 59, he would be no more of a replacement for Romelu Lukaku than Wayne Rooney is, anyway.
Everton’s managerial hunt has no end in sight. Unlike their Euro Vase campaign, which will conclude today with a dead rubber at Goodison Park against Atalanta. Everton go into the game knowing that a victory would not get them into the next round. But it would at least give them a slightly more respectable points tally in the group. So far this season the Premier League team have amassed fewer Europa League points than clubs such as Skenderbeu, Rijeka and Zlin. Hold on, that Zlin lot must have a manager: what’s his name? Bohumil Panik, according to Google. Surely it’s only a matter of time before Everton get in touch with Mr Panik?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Jacob Steinberg at 5pm GMT for hot Euro Vase MBM action from Köln 0-2 Arsenal.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A lot of the guys were interested in what I thought about things, especially about tax; explaining why you pay tax and why I don’t feel upset by paying what looks like a large amount as a professional footballer. You’re contributing that money into a lot of things that are very positive about society” – meet your new favourite footballer, QPR’s David Wheeler.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Wednesday’s edition quotes Plucky Wigan’s Ryan Colclough on learning, while playing, that the birth of his son was imminent: ‘I see my dad over in the stands and he gave me the action like ‘the waters had broken.’ I’m aware of the internationally recognised gestures for ‘The bill, please’ (imaginary pen scribbling on palm), ‘I don’t believe you’ (the chinny reckon), and ‘Plain Old John Terry is nearby’ (the fingers of the right hand curled, the thumb touching the first finger, as if gripping some cylindrical object, the hand waved vigorously from the wrist), but I have never yet seen a gesture that conveys ‘the waters have broken’. Does anyone have any idea what it might be? Or even better, have film of someone making the gesture?” – Michael Hann (and 1,047 others).
“Twelve people were arrested in the latest match-fixing scandal in Thailand this week: five top players, two referees, four investors and one club executive. As footballing excuses go, this one’s a belter: ‘Navy head coach Somchai Chauyboonchum never suspected any wrongdoings from the four players and assumed that poor fitness and a lack of concentration and training caused defeats to his side.’ In other words, he didn’t think his players were cheats, just useless” – Roger Mart.
“Apropos of nothing really, our good mate Ben Fraser passed away this week way before his time. A long-time Fiver reader in his words he ‘finally ƒeckin’ made it’ into the letters section on 30 November 2009 for the only time. His witty missive mentioned a Fiver reference to bygone technology, an appearance by 2009’s Nobel Francis, Mr Paul Jurdieka, and he finished with: “Next thing I may recall is breaking into a guffaw in 2001 whilst reading the Fiver. Happy days.” Plus ça change. And RIP Ben” – Patrick J. Carr.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Roger Mart, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A Glasgow-based research team are to investigate whether former footballers are more likely to suffer from dementia later in life than the general public.
England have dropped three places to 15th in Fifa’s latest world rankingzzzzzzzzz …
Tottenham’s Érik Lamela could make his first-team return on Saturday after a year out with hip-knack.
Everton have signed a 200-year lease for land at Bramley-Moore Dock, the site of their proposed new stadium. “Clearly this is very positive news,” trilled chief executive, Robert Elstone.
STILL WANT MORE?
What connects Clarence Seedorf, Mickey Quinn, Socrates and George Best? They’re all in this Joy of Six of unlikely career twilights.
The Socceroos are after a flamin’ new coach – Ante Jukic takes a look at the contenders.
Marco Silva is a prize steak being tossed from one hungry pair of jaws to the next, reckons Barney Ronay.
A goalkeeper forgetting the rules, early celebrations and non-league filth … it can only be this week’s Classic YouTube.
Paul MacInnes dons his deerstalker and goes on the hunt for the source of the September chant.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
