SEND IN THE CLOWNS, DON’T BOTHER THEY’RE HERE
Like everyone else around the country, the paying punters at Stoke City just want a little joy in their lives. They just want to be entertained. It’s not too much to ask after a hard week at work. But their hopes and desires are not always shared by those managing the team. Take Bob McGrory, a dour Scot straight from Central Casting, who very nearly won the league for the Potters in 1947, but sold star winger Stanley Matthews in a fit of pique with three games of the season to go. Matthews was a bit too flashy for McGrory’s tastes, you see, and the sheer number of fans who flocked to witness his skilful play made his boss fume in the resentful style. Not only that, Matthews had taken McGrory’s pal Bobby Liddle’s place in the team. And he wanted paying properly. So he was packed off to Blackpool. Stoke subsequently lost their last game of the season and missed out to Liverpool by one point. Well done, Bob!
Then there was Alan Durban, who parked an old jalopy in front of the goal at Highbury in 1980. When pulled up for his grinding negativity after a 2-0 defeat, he ranted: “Who are we running soccer for? If you want entertainment, you could go out and get a bunch of clowns. If obtaining pleasure from matches is the only concern, then you could get rid of all the coaches and let the players go out and get on with it.” Stupid fans, hoping to experience pleasure. Years later, Durban was unrepentant. “I’m still not sorry, we should have been slaughtered but got a 0-0 out of it,” he argued, with the sort of breathtaking creativity sadly lacking in his team’s play. And then there was … but everyone’s already had their say on Tony Pulis, let’s leave the man be.
Fast forward to the present, and if what fans have been chanting is anything to go by, Stoke have finally taken theatrical impresario Durban’s advice, replacing their entire squad with a troupe of vaudeville performers specialising in slapstick pratfalls, squirting flower operation and the riding of very small bikes. Wonderful high jinks, but the football itself has been dire. They’re 14th in the Championship, having won just eight of 26 matches. That’s cost Gary Rowett his job a mere eight months after jibbing off Derby County in the hope of getting Stoke straight back into the top flight. Not one of the great career moves. So now Stoke are looking for their fourth manager in little over a year. And who are the bookies’ favourites to take over, with frivolity supposedly the primary consideration? David Moyes and Sam Allardyce. Stoke may as well add the similarly resting José Mourinho to their wishlist and be done with it.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The basis for my decision was the ethical reasons and values that I wanted to act upon and hold on to. I think it was important. I have nothing more to add; I didn’t want to go” – Finland forward Riku Riski confirms he turned down a place in the national team for two friendlies staged in upcoming Ethics World Cup hosts, Qatar.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … the FA Cup.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
FA Cup shocks, the Blackpool boycott and dining issues in the latest Football Weekly.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“Given Liverpool fans have ditties for Joe Gomez, Alisson, Firmino too; isn’t it about time they got a Song for Hoever?” – Chris Baynes.
“I was delighted to read that Dejan Lovren had been replaced by a 16-year-old Hoover. If Ole Gunnar Solskjær fancies shoring up the United defence in similar fashion, I’ve got a second-hand Henry I’d be happy to lend him” – James Maltby.
“Last Saturday I went to watch Blackeye Rovers at St James’ Park in the third round of the FA Cup. It turns out Newcastle’s second string is not all one might hope for and Blackeye’s first string was everything you might expect. A draw was fair. However, I will tell you what was not: £35 for a seat so high in the rafters I was apparently a vertigo-inducing quarter of a mile from the pitch. On a positive note, climbing to my seat took care of my cardio until February. In all my days watching football, I have never endured a more expensive and rubbish experience. Is there a worse away end out there?” – Marten Allen.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Marten Allen.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former football coach Kit Carson has died after his car crashed into a tree minutes before the first day of his trial for sexual offences against 11 boys.
Police are trying to trace a group of men, whom they believe to be Chelsea fans, in connection with alleged sexual assaults and racist chanting on a train to Worcester after the club’s defeat by Leicester on 22 December.
Paul Gascoigne will defend himself against a sex assault charge by saying he has a propensity to kiss people “in a non-sexual manner”, a court has heard.
Egypt will host the revamped 24-team Africa Cup of Nations in June this year after Cameroon was stripped of the tournament.
Pep Guardiola insists he is not the John Beck du jour, denying claims made by some fans that he lengthened the Etihad grass to help Manchester City beat Liverpool. “I’m not the greenkeeper. I never did it – if they want to play quick, we want to play quicker,” parped Pep.
Xherdan Shaqiri claims Liverpool did not deserve to be knocked out of the FA Cup by Wolves. “I think we didn’t deserve this result because we tried to play football,” sobbed the Swiss cuboid.
Chelsea’s Tammy Abraham has turned down the chance to join Wolves on loan in favour of, erm, staying on loan at Aston Villa.
Mousa Dembélé is making room in his bank account for some serious Chinese coin after Tottenham jumped at the chance to grab £11m from Beijing Guoan for the knacktastic 31-year-old whose contract ends this summer.
And the England women’s squad are off for a warm-weather training jaunt in Qatar. Here’s the full travelling party.
STILL WANT MORE?
Three generations of Marcos Alonsos have played at Wembley, writes Euan McTear of an extraordinary family feat.
There’s a Checkatrade Trophy Tyne-Wear derby on Tuesday night, but Sunderland would rather be battling the senior version of their fierce rivals, writes Louise Taylor.
USA! USA!! USA!!! midfielder Julie Ertz gets her chat on with Suzy Wrack.
Our shiny January transfer window interactive rolls on.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
