That’s about it for today. Thanks for your company, night!
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While ye wait for match reports, why not followed the build-up to the humdinging fixcture at Anfield?
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“A foul in the lead-up to Norwich’s second goal and a handball for their third,” says John Davis. “Absolutely sick.”
That’s the beauty of Clockwatch: the readers tell you what happened rather than the other way round.
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Full time: Stoke City 2-2 Swansea City
So, all six games have now finished. There were 21 goals, plenty of them superb, and some ridiculous drama at Carrow Road. We’ll have match reports from the games any minute now.
Full time: Arsenal 4-0 Watford; Bournemouth 0-4 Manchester City
Nothing to see here, at least not in terms of the results, though they were some very nice goals in both games.
Clattenburg escorted down tunnel by West Ham security and Bilic ranting at referee by reeling off his injustices
— Gary Jacob (@garyjacob) April 2, 2016
FULL TIME: Norwich 3-2 Newcastle
A mighty win for Norwich after a ceaselessly dramatic second half. They are six points clear of Newcastle and four clear of Sunderland.
FULL TIME: WEST HAM 2-2 CRYSTAL PALACE
“The referee’s ineptitude is palpable,” chant the frustrated West Ham fans. That decisions could be extremely costly. But when the dust settles we’ll remember this game for Dimitri Payet’s staggering CGI free-kick.
FULL TIME: SUNDERLAND 0-0 WEST BROM
What a frustrating day for Sunderland, who had so much of the game but couldn’t score.
“I like Borini a lot as a man,” says Ian Copestake. “But having a signature goal celebration before even scoring ten in a season always struck me as asking fate for a bollocking.”
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GOAL! Norwich 3-2 Newcastle (Olsson 90+3)
An amazing finish to amazing game! There is talk of a handball in the build up, but Norwich have surely won it!
WATCH: Could this be the goal that sends @NUFC down? Follow it here: https://t.co/gaplH2QzFm #SkyFootball https://t.co/dEqtOUpVb2
— Sky Sports Football (@SkyFootball) April 2, 2016
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GOAL! Bournemouth 0-4 Man City (Kolarov 90)
Oh my, Norwich have scored!
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SUNDERLAND HAVE A GOAL DISALLOWED
I can’t take this any more, and I don’t even support any of them. It was the right decision apparently.
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WHAT A SAVE FROM RUDDY!
This is incredible, and I’m not even watching it! Cisse’s header seemed to have given Newcastle an injury-time winner only for Ruddy to make a brilliant save.
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GOAL! Arsenal 4-0 Watford (Walcott 90)
Another crucial goal from Theo Walcott.
Meanwhile, Mitrovic almost won it for Newcastle but headed an excellent chance wife!
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“I’ve always had a soft spot for Roy,” writes James A Crane, “but the high-point for me was when he was getting interviewed live (perhaps on Sky Sports News) before the 2014 World Cup; they were on a boat on the Amazon and in answer to a fluffy question about the difficulty of the group he started riffing on how he felt like Klaus Kinski in Fitzcarraldo - interviewer completely flummoxed, Roy having a good old laugh to himself, tremendous stuff. Does anyone know of the existence of this clip? Was it just a wondrous dream?”
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Another chance for Sunderland, with Foster saving desperately from Defoe! Sunderland have battered West Brom but it’s still 0-0.
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“Naismith billiards,” begins Toby Podmore. “All fun and jokes and laughter, but doesn’t that constitute sexual assault? I can’t think of another walk of life where you could grab someone’s genitals with the express intention of upsetting them without some kind of consequence...”
GOAL! Norwich 2-2 Newcastle (Mitrovic 86 pen)
Mitrovic scores! Ruddy got a hand to it but it went in, and Mitrovic has done it again for Newcastle!
PENALTY TO NEWCASTLE!
“PENALTY!” shouts Paul Merson. “PENALTY!” It was a needless handball by O’Neil.
Thanks to Phil Podolsky for this.
Newcastle fans after watching their side equalise and then concede again within 3 minutes..https://t.co/IVJBv0Tuqi
— 101 Great Goals (@101greatgoals) April 2, 2016
Sunderland desperately need a goal, which makes the presence of Fabio Borini contextually unfortunate. His curling shot is saved by Ben Foster.
“I feel like there have been an inordinate amount of deflected goals today,” says Evan Haas. “Chaos really is the theme of the season.”
GOAL! Stoke 2-2 Swansea (Paloschi 79)
Swansea have equalised! Alberto Paloschi turns smartly and hits a shot that is deflected into the net. So.
“Doctor Naismith,” writes Chris Nemeh.
Foul. pic.twitter.com/koO0OAMdxj
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) April 2, 2016
At least he performed the procedure with a smile, unlike Dr Vincent.
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GOAL! West Ham 2-2 Crystal Palace (Gayle 75)
Palace are level! Dwight Gayle picks up a loose ball and finishes superbly. What a day this has been in the Premier League: 18 goals in seven games, with more to come in the last 15 minutes – or your money back!
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GOAL! Norwich 2-1 Newcastle (Mbokani 74)
Oh, Newcastle. Dieumerci Mbokani’s flashing shot has put Norwich back in front barely two minutes after Mitrovic’s equaliser.
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GOAL! Norwich 1-1 Newcastle (Mitrovic 71)
A deflected header from Alexsandar Mitrovic loops over John Ruddy and into the net. That’s a huge goal for Rafa Benitez, from the same player who equalised against Sunderland a fortnight ago.
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GOAL! Stoke 2-1 Swansea (Sigurdsson 68)
Gylfi Sigurdsson scores neatly to bring Swansea back into the match. I’m surprised a bigger club hasn’t bought him; he’s a lovely player.
Cheikhou Kouyaté sent off for West Ham
A dreadful decision by Mark Clattenburg, according to the chaps on Soccer Saturday: a straight red for a high tackle by Kouyate on Dwight Gayle. “It’s just such a terrible, terrible, terrible decision,” says Jeff Stelling.
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“You’re Hodgsonberg” Photograph: Ben Queenborough/BPI/Corbis
So, as things stand Newcastle and Sunderland are in the malodorous stuff – respectively six and four points behind Norwich, albeit with a game in hand.
“Palace to lose, if only for the motley collection of beards in that defensive wall and beyond,” says Tim Smith. “Taking the hipster beard too far, I think.”
It surely can’t be long before we have the first bearded XI.
“Blinking flip!” says Mark Turner of Payet’s goal. “I saw Pablo Aimar curl one in for River Plate vs Flamengo like that, maybe 15 years ago in Buenos Aires. I was in the main stand, we all went wappy, then turned round to watch the TV replay in the bar behind us and 2,000 people all went “OHH” in synch. All the same...Payet...blinking flip!”
I still can’t believe some clown left Payet out of this piece on free-kick specialists.
“The warm-weather training was bittersweet, to be honest,” says Matt Dony. “It was good conditioning, but I was only there because Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver’s continued good form is keeping me out of the international squad. Anyway, just wait until the tabloid stories about what else I got up to put there hit the press...” You didn’t eat a shish kebab did you?
GOAL! Stoke 2-0 Swansea (Bojan 53)
Bojan has double Stoke’s lead. You’re welcome.
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A chance for Newcastle. Andros Townsend’s shot is superbly saved by Ruddy, and Cisse – flagged offside, perhaps wrongly – makes a mess of the loose ball anyway. Whatever happened to the man who did this?
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“Dmitri Payet is 29, as is Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez is 25, as is N’Golo Kanté,” says Gary Naylor. “Two years ago, few of us had heard of any of them, yet they are arguably the four outstanding players in the Premier League this season. How have these transformations happened? Or are there hundreds of talents sailing under the radar just waiting for the right manager / formation / attitude? It’s a Funny Old Game eh Saint?”
I know one man who had heard of them all two years ago, and Danny Drinkwater too.
Payet's free kick, from behind the goal. (As filmed by little bro.) Same view as Hennessey. pic.twitter.com/9IljmsxP9c
— Ben Wilson (@BenjiWilson) April 2, 2016
GOAL! Arsenal 3-0 Watford (Bellerin 48)
Hector Bellerin’s volley deflects off Ben Watson and into the net. That’ll be that.
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“Half times from Scotland,” says Simon McMahon. “St Johnstone 0 Dundee United 1. That’s it. Put that in your fancy new Scottish football magazine, Stuart Cosgrove.”
Somebody needs to do an essay on this.
That Payet free-kick is outrageous. As my colleague Gregg Bakowski just said, the dip is so late and so sharp that it looks like a special effect.
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Here’s clear evidence that Peter Reid invented the gegenpress. Although I suppose really it’s more of a gegencrunch.
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Half time
That was a pretty eventful 45 minutes in the Premier League, with nine goals in six matches. A few of them were crackers, none better than the latest episode in the Dimitri Payet Show.
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GOAL! Norwich 1-0 Newcastle (Klose 45)
Timm Klose has given Norwich the lead in injury-time. A huge goal, that; if they win this game they will be six points clear of Newcastle. The marking was abysmal according to Rafa Benitez, who has just snapchatted me.
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#Payet has just scored one of THE best freekicks you'll ever see! #WestHam
— Sarah-Jane Mee (@skysarahjane) April 2, 2016
You can see it tonight @SkyFootball #SNF
“It may be too late,” says Vincent Forrester, “but can someone please warn Eddie Izzard that the man with the tissue is about to sneeze on him?”
GOAL! West Ham 2-1 Crystal Palace (Payet 41)
Yep, him again. Dimitri Payet has given West Ham the lead with another spectacular free-kick. He fooled Wayne Hennessey into thinking he would curl it to the near post, and instead he sent a booming curler into the far top corner. He is pretty awesome right now, and one of the main reasons that this has been perhaps the outstanding feelgood season of the Premier League era.
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“My suggestion for expanding your brand,” begins David Hunter. “Clockwatch Countryfile, in which you 1) visit the outer reaches of football such as Dorking Town Football Club (the Chicks), and the Wensleydale Creamery Football League, 2) harvest origin stories of players we will never hear of, and 3) provide weather forecasts that are completely irrelevant to urban dwellers and/or games in progress.”
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Watford (Iwobi 38)
Alex Iwobi makes it two goals in two Premier League starts, scoring from Alexis Sanchez’s fine cutback. Arsenal might have found a player here.
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“That Sky advert seems to show Peter Reid as the true inventor of gegenpressing,” says Tim Myles, “surely someone should get Pep and Jurgen to fess up and give the man credit?”
And give it its full name – gegenfochinpressin – while they’re at it.
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Ben Foster has made a fine save to deny Sunderland’s Lee Cattermole, and Newcastle’s Karl Darlow has made an even better stop with his legs to deny Mbokani. Paul Merson reckons it’s the best save Darlow has made in his career, having seen them all.
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Here’s the Premier League table as things stand.
Fernandinho has hit the bar for Manchester City, who are playing to their considerable potential at Dean Court and already lead 3-0.
No Premier League goals in the last few minutes, so here’s something from 1992
“Did I say Roy Hogdson?” says Ian Copestake. “I actually meant Monica Bellucci.”
Ah, fair enough. Here she is.
“Maybe City could somehow nick the Champions League?” says Phil Podolsky. “I miss the days when the combination of indifferent domestic form, lack of team spirit and great players made you a firm favourite to win it.”
Heh. I suppose the precedents of Liverpool in 2005 and Chelsea in 2012 suggest it’s not beyond the realms, but I really can’t see it.
GOAL! Bournemouth 0-3 Manchester City (Aguero 19)
Well, that’s one game done for the day. Sergio Aguero leaps like Denis Law to ram a header into the net from Jesus Navas’s cross.
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GOAL! West Ham 1-1 Crystal Palace (Lanzini 18)
Can people stop scoring goals please? My fingers can’t take it. West Ham, affronted by going behind to Palace, and now level after an emphatic finish from Manuel Lanzini. What an outstanding team they have been this season.
Norwich have had a goal disallowed against Newcastle, with Dieumerci Mbokani rightly flagged offside.
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“It is clear that Matt Dony has spent the international break in Dubai getting in some warm-weather zinger training,” says Ian Copestake. “We are all seeing the benefits.”
Even Roy. It’s taken years off him.
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GOAL! West Ham 0-1 Crystal Palace (Delaney 15)
Damien Delaney has headed Palace ahead at Upton Park. As you all know, Palace haven’t won a league game this year.
GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Swansea (Afellay 13)
A simple header from Ibrahim Afellay, on his 30th birthday, puts Stoke ahead.
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GOAL! Bournemouth 0-2 Manchester City (De Bruyne 12)
A lovely goal from the returning Kevin De Bruyne doubles City’s lead. City are such a frustrating side; they are clearly the best team in the league, or at least the team with the most ability. Yet they are struggling to finish in top four.
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“I am grateful,” says Ian Copestake, “for the return of a form of football that allows me to not look at Roy Hodgson.”
Here’s some visual banter.
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An alternative use for stress balls
1' Play is immediately brought to a halt as a load of small balls are thrown onto the pitch #cafc
— Charlton Athletic FC (@CAFCofficial) April 2, 2016
1 – Alexis Sanchez has scored his first Premier League goal at the Emirates since netting a brace versus Man Utd in October. Overdue.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) April 2, 2016
GOAL! Bournemouth 0-1 Manchester City (Fernando 7)
City are ahead at Dean Court, thanks to a good finish from Fernando. If City win their last eight gam- ach, no, the best they can do is probably second now.
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“Expand the brand,” says Matt Dony. “I’m looking forward to Strictly Clockwatch, and the chance to enjoy watching actors I’ve never heard of describe Bournemouth going a goal down to Swansea in a pithy manner, after a week of emotional training.”
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Watford (Sanchez 4)
A flying start from Arsenal is rewarded when Alexis Sanchez scores at the second attempt. If Arsenal win their last eight games – yes, I know – they might sneak the title.
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Some match reports from the earlier games
Peep peep! The six Premier League matches have started. Peep! Peep peep!
We're delighted announce that next season the Town End at The Vic will be re-named as The Prostate Cancer UK Stand. @ProstateUK #JeffsMarch
— Hartlepool United FC (@Official_HUFC) April 2, 2016
"It's gone"
Before things get SERIOUS when the FOOTBALL starts, here are some fictional sociopaths to lighten the mood.
(Warning for those who like to be offended: this clip contains adult language.)
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On @SundaySupp from 9: @sbates_people, debut for @MattDunnExpress and @CharlieWyett. pic.twitter.com/ziVL34t0xc
— Neil Ashton (@neilashton_) April 1, 2016
“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “Like the Proclaimers, I’m on my way to Perth for Scotland’s game of the day between St. Johnstone and Dundee United. United remain seven points behind Kilmarnock, who travel to Partick today, and really need a win to keep their hopes of avoiding the drop alive.
“With league games against Partick and Inverness, and a Scottish Cup semi final against Hibs within the next fortnight, lets hope April isn’t the cruelest month for United. Their large travelling support deserve a performance today, though Perth hasn’t been a happy hunting ground recently. From misery to happiness today, though, eh? In the early kick off it finished Celtic 3 Hearts 1.”
We need to start paying you, don’t we?
At Villa Park, it’s Aston Villa 0-4 Chelsea. Barry Glendenning is writing the last rites.
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Another email!
“‘Clockwatch Gold’,” sniffs Mac Millings, in reference to the Preamble down the page. “Not to be confused with the predictably unerotic After Dark spin-off, ‘Rob Smyth puts the “L” in “Clockwatch”.’”
An email!
“Let’s do this, Rob,” says Phil Podolsky. “Here with you all the way through to the Clasico.”
The team news
Arsenal v Watford
Arsenal: Ospina, Bellerin, Gabriel, Koscielny, Monreal, Elneny, Coquelin, Sanchez, Ozil, Iwobi, Welbeck.
Subs: Gibbs, Mertesacker, Giroud, Walcott, Chambers, Campbell, Cech.
Watford: Gomes, Nyom, Cathcart, Prodl, Ake, Mario Suarez, Watson, Abdi, Capoue, Ighalo, Deeney.
Subs: Britos, Jurado, Amrabat, Guedioura, Pantilimon, Berghuis, Anya.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
Bournemouth v Manchester City
Bournemouth: Boruc, Smith, Francis, Cook, Daniels, Ritchie, O’Kane, Surman, Gradel, Grabban, King.
Subs: Gosling, Elphick, Pugh, Iturbe, Federici, Distin, Murray.
Man City: Caballero, Zabaleta, Otamendi, Mangala, Clichy, Fernando, Fernandinho, Jesus Navas, Silva, De Bruyne, Aguero.
Subs: Sagna, Nasri, Kolarov, Bony, Demichelis, Wright, Iheanacho.
Referee: Robert Madley (West Yorkshire)
Norwich v Newcastle
Norwich: Ruddy, Wisdom, Bennett, Klose, Olsson, Brady, O’Neil, Howson, Jarvis, Naismith, Mbokani.
Subs: Bassong, Jerome, Bamford, Rudd, Hoolahan, Mulumbu, Redmond.
Newcastle: Darlow, Janmaat, Mbemba, Taylor, Anita, Shelvey, Tiote, Townsend, Wijnaldum, Sissoko, Cisse.
Subs: De Jong, Lascelles, Perez, Riviere, Woodman, Sterry, Mbabu.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
Stoke v Swansea
Stoke: Haugaard, Bardsley, Cameron, Wollscheid, Pieters, Whelan, Imbula, Afellay, Krkic, Arnautovic, Joselu.
Subs: Muniesa, Ireland, Adam, Diouf, Given, Crouch, El Ouriachi.
Swansea: Fabianski, Rangel, Fernandez, Williams, Naughton, Cork, Fer, Britton, Sigurdsson, Routledge, Gomis.
Subs: Amat, Taylor, Ki, Paloschi, Emnes, Nordfeldt, Montero.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
Sunderland v West Brom
Sunderland: Mannone, Yedlin, Kone, Kaboul, Van Aanholt, Khazri, M’Vila, Cattermole, Kirchhoff, Borini, Defoe.
Subs: Jones, Larsson, Rodwell, N’Doye, Pickford, O’Shea, Toivonen.
West Brom: Foster, Dawson, Chester, Evans, McAuley, Sandro, Yacob, Fletcher, Gardner, Rondon, Berahino.
Subs: Olsson, Anichebe, Myhill, McClean, Lambert, Pritchard, Leko.
Referee: Roger East (Wiltshire)
West Ham v Crystal Palace
West Ham: Adrian, Antonio, Reid, Ogbonna, Cresswell, Kouyate, Noble, Emenike, Lanzini, Payet, Sakho.
Subs: Randolph, Song, Tomkins, Carroll, Valencia, Obiang, Moses.
Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Ward, Dann, Delaney, Souare, Jedinak, Ledley, Zaha, Bolasie, Puncheon, Sako.
Subs: Mariappa, Campbell, McCarthy, Lee, Gayle, Mutch, Kelly.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
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Saturday afternoon with Joey Barton
Assistant ref what game were you watching??????? @Kurrie4 @OfficialBHAFC @BHAFC_ @NorthStandChat pic.twitter.com/xM0t1S53vk
— Joanne (@Boxergirl_78) April 2, 2016
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Attention Blizzard readers!
This is a plug for a new quarterly, which has support from giants of the written word like Stuart Cosgrove, Jonathan Wilson and Rob Smyth. The Kickstarter campaign ends today.
“We intend to launch a publication devoted to Scottish football,” says Ally Palmer. “Our aim is to create something completely new in Scotland - a football publication that is all about the writers, the writing, and great stories told at length. This piece sums up what we’re trying to do.”
Duck surprise Alexandre Pato is not only playing for Chelsea today, he’s also scored. Barry Glendenning has the latest.
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Norwich v Newcastle preview
Preview: soggy bums and sobbing. @dan_brigham talks to Newcastle fan and sports journalist @ChrisMurphSport https://t.co/48JMRSgCtP
— Little Yellow Bird (@TheLYBP) April 2, 2016
Preamble
Hello. What a gorgeous day to be at work, watching Soccer Saturday for the benefit of people you’ll never meet sup in the Penultimate-Chance Saloon. Many of the sides involved in today’s 3pm fixtures aren’t quite at the point of no return in their attempt to finish first/fourth/17th – but they aren’t far away, and defeat this afternoon would be particularly damaging for Arsenal and Newcastle.
This, my little digital groupies, is Clockwatch gold*: it’s 3pm on a Saturday, in April, and yet all six fixtures mean something! (Before you cite Stoke v Swansea, Stoke are only five points off a Champions League place. They kept that quiet.) Norwich v Newcastle is probably the pick of the fixtures. Buckle up: for those involved today, it’s now or next week!
* Not to be confused with Clockwatch Gold, our new series starting next week in which we revisit an afternoon of football from 1964 and do banter in the contemporary style.
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