Full time: Norwich City 0-0 Manchester City
Peep peep! For a game with no goals and few chances, that was a lot of fun. It’s a terrific result for Norwich, who have renewed hope of staying up after a rousing performance. Manchester City’s hope of the title has all but gone. Thanks for your company, bye buddies!
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90+2 min Sterling fouls O’Neil, who smiles at the thought of a 0-0 draw. Quite right too. O’Neil has been terrific, the best player on the pitch along with Silva.
90+1 min A City (Manchester) corner is cleared by Dorrans, but back it comes.
“I had bought Aguero for 13 million pound on FPL and he seems to have ruined my life,” says Aniket Anupam. “It’d be awesome if this email gets featured in the live blog!” I’m just too nice.
90 min There will be three minutes of added misery for Norwich fans.
89 min “Dieumerci, though,” says Eamonn Maloney of the Norwich substitute. “I know of a bloke in the Solomon Islands called Happychristmas Robinson, but Thankyougod Mbokani takes the biscuit.”
89 min “Surely?” says Simon McMahon.
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89 min Aguero skilfully uses his backside to wriggle free of the defender, only to blast into orbit from 20 yards.
88 min “I make it 23 email, 24 if this gets published,” says Simon McMahon. “We must be getting near the record now?”
87 min Silva’s brilliant pass to Fernandinho prompts an almighty scramble in the box. Iheanacho has a shot blocked, and the ball is eventually cleared.
85 min A chance for Norwich to win it. Kompany’s clearance hit Sagna and bounced back to Mbokani on the left of the box. He laid it back invitingly for Dorrans, who slashed a first-time shot comfortably wide of the far post from 20 yards. City then make their final substitution, with Pablo Zabaleta replacing Sagna.
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83 min This would be a great result for Norwich, not least because they have worked incredibly hard. And because their next four games are West Brom (A), Newcastle (H), Palace (A) and Sunderland (H).
82 min “So,” says Marie Meyer, “I read Joshua Reynolds’ comment and I’m all like ‘Dude!’”
Totally!
81 min O’Neil makes a vital interception to stop Aguero putting Sterling through on goal. He’s been very good.
“It does make sense for Ruddock and Cantona to discuss Sartre,” writes GARY NAYLOR. “They both posed an existential threat to opponents after all.
80 min Kompany gives Norwich some respite with a moronic foul on Mbokani.
79 min Norwich’s biggest problem at the moment is that, when they do get the ball, they can’t keep it for more than a few seconds. That means the defence isn’t getting any kind of respite. Ruddy has only had one hard save to make, but you’d expect another in the next 10 minutes.
78 min Kelechi Iheanacho replaces the disappointing Jesus Navas. City have 12 minutes to stay in the title race, probably.
76 min City win their 481st corner of the match. It’s a poor one from Navas, but City retain possession. A goal is coing, Frank said.
75 min “Just woke up ...turned on the match and hit up MBM,” says Mike Adkinson. “Can I get in on the email game today?...Like others I have nothing of substance to add....I just want my comment to live in internet history. Off to the grocery store where it will be much more interesting than watching City hump around.”
You’re trying to bury a minor scandal on Google, aren’t you?
74 min The excellent Fernandinho is deliberately tripped by Howson, who expects and accepts the resulting yellow card.
72 min Norwich are defending deeper than ever now, a natural response to City’s increasing dominance. They have had 80 per cent possession in the last 10 minutes.
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70 min “It pains me that the USA doesn’t have a good catch all like “mate”,” says Joshua Reynolds. “All our terms “buddy”, “pal”, etc... connote either a level of familiarity or condescension that “mate” does not.”
Yeah but you got Donald Trump, so it’s swings and roundabouts.
69 min Norwich’s effort and spirit have been admirable; there’s no sense that they are resigned to going down. Nor should they be. With the quality of players and the remaining fixtures they have, one win could change everything.
68 min “Not sure about Otamendi’s lid,” writes Jess Cartner-Morley Peter Crosby. It’s not very good is it? He looks like an Amish Aguëro wannabe. Talking of Otamendi and Aguëro, do you think there are many creative attacking players who are best buds with hoofy defenders? I’d have thought they see themselves as existing on a higher level in life.”
You know that Neil Ruddock and Eric Cantona used to run a Sartre discussion club?
67 min A double change for Norwich: Cameron Jerome and Dieumerci Mbokani come on for Hoolahan and Bamford.
65 min Silva hits the wall with the free-kick. Manchester City are all over Norwich just now.
64 min Another scintillating run from Aguero prompts Klose to bring him down right on the edge of the box. The referee gives a free-kick rather than a penalty, and rightly so I think.
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62 min Silva, to the right of centre, played a delightful angled pass to Fernandinho, who arrived late on the edge of the box. He could have shot but played it to Aguero, who tried to wriggle free and was eventually crowded out.
61 min O’Neil, already booked, fouls Sterling on the left wing. Not quite enough for a second yellow, but he’ll need to be careful from hereon in. Silva curls in the free-kick and Bennett clears.
60 min Norwich break promisingly, but Bamford works on the erroneous assumption that he has four days to decide what to do with the ball. He faffs around just past the halfway line and is easily dispossessed. Moments later Aguero does one of his round-the-houses, QPR-style runs. This time the shot isn’t on, however, so he tries to clip it back into the centre. It hits a Norwich defender, prompting a shout for handball from the City fans but nobody else.
59 min “Rob, I’m pregnant,” writes an unnamed correspondent. “What should I do?” Just try to remember the good times.
58 min A City substitution: Bony off, Sterling on. That means Silva will go infield to play behind Aguero.
57 min Norwich are coming into the game a bit more, although there is a lack of calmness when they attack. That’s understandable in the circumstances.
56 min Otamendi, who has already been booked, is penalised for a clumsy foul on O’Neil. Some people want a second yellow card, but those people are wrong.
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55 min “I took the bait and read the link to find Filip Gieldon’s previous foray into MBM,” says Robert Darby. “You were in a bit of a tetchy mood back then. Still, the MBM was more entertaining than it is now, so I suppose I can’t complain.”
Now that’s what I call faint praise.
54 min “Eight years, but I don’t forget!” says Filip Gieldon. “He was a clown though, albeit decent (for Swansea).”
53 min I’m surprised Pellegrini hasn’t brought Sterling on for Bony, who has contributed the square root of bugger all.
52 min “What is the record for number of emails published in a single MBM?” says Simon McMahon. Let me just check with Opta.
51 min The free-kick is cleared by Norwich.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon.
50 min City break from that Norwich corner, with Aguero running 50 yards down the right and around O’Neil before being dragged down on the edge of the area. O’Neil is booked.
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49 min Hoolahan accidentally controls Martin’s cross in front of the near post, and then hits a cross of his own that is deflected behind for a corner by Fernando. Nothing comes of it.
48 min Manchester City have started the second half as they did the first, with the ball at their feet. Navas wins a corner, from which Otamendi loops a header onto the roof of the net. Ruddy had it covered.
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46 min City begin the second half. You’d think that, if they don’t win today, the title race will be down to three teams. That second sentence should be a clue as to which City I was referring to.
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“The title race is superb and my fantasy football team is littered with City and Norwich players, but all I can think about is how much I’d like a cold can of coke zero,” says Patrick Rennie. “Are you a marketing savant?” One out of two ain’t bad.
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You think your life sucks?
“I’m sitting alone in a Chinese restaurant in Katowice, Poland where I’ve been directing a play for the last two months,” writes Filip Gieldon. “The actors hate me, the play is going bad with a week from the premier, I just broke up with my girlfriend on distance and the only investment I have in this game is that Arsenal can’t lose it as they are not playing. Oh, and the last time I emailed you during an MBM a couple of years ago you scolded my opinion. At least the pork-bamboo is pretty decent...”
PORK-BAMBOO?!?!?!?!?!?!
(Also, I’ve got some bad news: that MBM was eight years ago. We’re all old, and we’re all going to die. So.)
“Rob,” says John Allen, “if you are so convinced that Wes Hoolahan needs to be involved more why not just drop him an email and tell him to do his job? I’m sure he’ll get the message.”
Half time: Norwich City 0-0 Manchester City
That was a half of two distinct segments. In the first, Manchester were completely dominant and seemed likely to score any minute; in the second, Norwich matched them and Patrick Bamford blootered a half-volley against the bar.
See you in 10 minutes for the second half.
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45+2 min Jarvis’s shot hits the stretching Kompany and drifts just wide of the far post. That’s the last kick of the half.
45+1 min “Thanks for kissing off Ruth,” says Garry Watson. “Keep it up mate.”
Cheers mate.
45 min Nathan Redmond is going off with an ankle problem, to be replaced by Graham Dorrans.
43 min This is a great statgasm from my colleague Dan Lucas: Joe Hart has had more touches so far than Bony (13 to 12).
41 min Might get a can of Coke Zero at half-time.
40 min “Come on Rob, you know football is serious,” writes Ruth Purdue. “Don’t have fun! There must be no fun!” Not now Ruth, I’m describing the game!
39 min Bamford hits the bar with a brilliant half-volley! It came from a long ball forward, which bounced a couple of times 25 yards from goal. Bamford dummied Otamendi and then swished his left foot through the ball, which rose and swerved away from Hart before clattering off the top of the bar.
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38 min No emails please!
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37 min City can’t get out of their half, and this time I mean Manchester. O’Neil’s cute pass finds Jarvis on the left of the box, and his attempted cutback goes off Kompany for a corner. Nothing comes of it but that was a rousing few minutes for fans of Norwich City Football Club.
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36 min Olsson’s dangerous low cross is well cleared by Kompany, sliding towards his own goal while having to wrestle with visions of accidentally slicing it past Joe Hart into the top corner.
35 min The game has been pretty even for the last 10 minutes; in fact Norwich have probably shaded it. They need to get Hoolahan involved more if they are to create some chances. Some would even say they MUST get him involved more.
32 min “Do your job,” writes Garry Watson. “Describe the game in detail and stop telling us what your email buddies are saying. We don’t give a **** about all that. Describe the game.”
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29 min He has now! That’s a fine save to deny Aguero. He ran at Olsson on the right of the box and drilled a fierce low shot that was going in the bottom corner until Ruddy got down and tensed his wrist to push it out of danger.
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27 min For all City’s dominance, R***y hasn’t had a difficult save to make yet.
26 min Otamendi is booked after tripping Martin on the right wing.
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24 min Official Opta stats show that City have had shedloads of possession thus far.
23 min A good attack from Norwich, who pass it around until Olsson beats Navas and hits a low cross that is cleared by Kompany.
22 min “On the topic of potty mouths,” says Ian Copestake, “surely commentators need to be bleeped to spare the children when Ruddy has the ball.”
21 min Fernandinho finds Clichy in the box with a beautiful pass, but his first touch is heavy and he runs it out of play.
20 min “That is why Russell Martin will never be a Steven Gerarrd (unless you know he like falls over and such in a vital title run-in, etc?),” says Marty Postlethwaite, “because Stevie knew that ‘we fookin’ go again’ would never be acceptable during family viewing scheduling.”
19 min Aguero drags a shot wide of the far post from 20 yards with his left foot.
18 min Redmond is caught in possession, prompting vicious boos mild tuts from the Norwich fans. There’s an inevitability about City scoring.
17 min Norwich are struggling to get out of their third, never mind their half.
16 min Here’s Chris Copping. “The half-and half-scarf surely takes the biscuit for the worst combination of colours since J Pollock threw up on Peggy Guggenheim’s carpet.” Jamie?
15 min It’s a decent strike from Aguero, but too straight and Ruddy is able to flap it over the bar.
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14 min This looks pretty ominous for Norwich, who are being passed to death. O’Neil is penalised for jumping into the back of Fernandinho, 25 yards from goal. Silva or Aguero will take...
13 min “Very brave of you to stoke the ire of MBMers with a provocative half and half scarf pic,” says Ian Copestake. “Where one stands on this matter is fast becoming a deal-breaking dating question alongside ‘So what about that Trump, hey?’ To which the only response, date fans, is ‘Until you had mentioned it I did not know you had farted.’”
Honk!
12 min Bennett is booked for a late tackle on Silva.
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11 min Aguero has a miss disallowed for offside. It was the right decision, and he didn’t score anyway.
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10 min The marauding Martin wins a fackin corner. It’s headed away to Olsson, 40 yards out, and he wallops the ball into the crowd.
9 min “It took three re-watchings,” says JR in Illinois, “but I can confidently report that Norwich’s huddle potty mouth was fackin Russell Martin.”
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8 min “As a man of low expectations and an ability to be happy with very little I’m looking forward to a painfully dull goalless draw,” writes Phil Withall. “I enjoyed one such match between these two at Maine Road in the 90s where most people seemed to be doing crosswords. As a Norwich fan that sounds ideal.”
7 min Fernandinho plays a slick one-two with Aguero and stabs a cross that hits the arm of the sliding Martin before going out for a corner. Martin knew nothing about the handball, and there was no real appeal for a penalty.
6 min Norwich have started really nervously. Navas’s nothing cross isn’t cleared properly by Martin, who instead heads it straight to Aguero on the left of the box. He drills a shot that hits Martin and goes for a corner.
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5 min Martin runs 70 yards down the right, a stirring burst, and then Clichy kicks the ball off him and out for a goalkick.
4 min Ruddy comes a long way to meet Silva’s chipped free-kick and loses out to Kompany, whose header in the vague direction of the goal is cleared by a defender.
3 min Martin lofts David Silva high into the air, a hopelessly mistimed tackle 35 yards from goal to the left. No yellow card.
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2 min “I wish there was indeed life on other planets (Trump does not count),” says Ian Copestake, “so that such a visitor could read this and thus be the only one on the planet not to stare in wonder at the fact that this sentence is possible: ‘City (Manchester) must realistically win this and almost all of their remaining ten games if they are to catch Leicester.’”
1 min Norwich kick off from left to right. They are in yellow and green, City are in sky blue.
The perils of putting the camera on the pre-match huddle
“It’s gotta be fackin better” says one of the Norwich plays to the rest of his team, whereupon the picture cuts to something else, anything else.
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Here come the players. Excited? I am.
Prediction: City 1-4 City.
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82% - 41 of Man City's 50 Premier League points this season (82%) have come against teams currently in the bottom half of the table. Bullies
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 12, 2016
Pre-match reading
This, from the excellent Little Yellow Bird Project, previews the game far better than I could.
The team
Norwich City (4-2-3-1) Ruddy; Martin, Bennett, Klose, Olsson; Howson, O’Neil; Redmond, Hoolahan, Jarvis; Bamford.
Subs: Rudd, Bassong, Mbokani, Jerome, Dorrans, Mulumbu, Pinto.
Manchester City (4-4-2) Hart; Sagna, Kompany, Otamendi, Clichy; Navas, Fernandinho, Fernando, Silva; Bony, Aguero.
Substitutes: Caballero, Demichelis, Kolarov, Zabaleta, M Garcia, Sterling, Iheanacho.
Referee Jon Moss (W Yorkshire)
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Preamble
Unless you spent your maths lessons lovingly preparing molluscs to flick at the back of Michaela Isaacs’ head in the hope that her initial anger would magically transmogrify into something more loving, more sensual, you’ll be familiar with the mathematical principle that two negatives make a positive. That also applies to today’s Premier League match at Carrow Road. In recent times Norwich and Manchester City have been in dismal form, but the good news today is that they can’t both lose!
Since beating Norwich 2-1 in the return fixture in October, City have taken 25 points from 17 games; given their ability, that verges on the offensive.
Norwich, meanwhile, seem determined to homage their ancestors’ desperate collapse in the second half of the 1994-95 season. This Norwich team were a relatively snug 14th after beating Southampton 1-0 on January 2. Then they were thrashed by City in the FA Cup, and since then they have taken only one point from nine league games.
They still have home games against Sunderland and Newcastle, the two teams they need to finish above if they are to stay up. But first they have to play City, whose wins over Norwich in the last five years include a 7-0, a 6-1, a 5-1 and a 4-3.
Norwich, therefore, would surely be happy with a draw. City (Manchester) must realistically win this and almost all of their remaining ten games if they are to catch Leicester.
Kick off is at 12.45pm.
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