MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE
Whether it’s gouging opposition coaches in the eye from behind, publicly humiliating a doctor for refusing to illegally encroach on the pitch to treat a player he’s ordered to feign knack or disparaging referees for doing their job correctly, José Mourinho has always been the personification of fair play. As gracious in defeat as he invariably is magnanimous in victory, the Manchester United manager was understandably irritated when his club’s famously “noisy neighbours” lived up to their name by celebrating their victory at Old Trafford with actual celebrations: playing loud music, busting moves in their dressing room and creating the kind of din that can distract a manager who is busy dreaming up outlandish excuses to explain the manner in which his team have just been outplayed by their city rivals ahead of his media duties.
Sadly for José, his pleas for City to turn down that racket not only fell on deaf ears, but led to a 20-man tunnel stramash involving players and coaching staff from both teams that left Pep Guardiola’s assistant Mikel Arteta with a cut eyebrow and José dripping with semi-skimmed and looking like the money-shot from one of those “special interest” DVDs Weird Uncle Fiver sells in his XXX Bongo Shack. We’re told.
Of course there’s no point in crying over spilt milk, so José chose to cry over other things – the referee, the ugliness of Manchester City’s goals – once police and stewards had broken up the fracas. According to reports from Spain, Romelu Lukaku is alleged to have thrown a bottle that opened Arteta’s eyebrow, but not even The Fiver is going to make the obvious joke that he must have been aiming for somebody else. It is, however, worth noting that Arteta may not have been the first person in City colours who Lukaku hit in the face with a poorly aimed projectile on Sunday. Now the Football Association has got itself involved and asked both clubs for their “observations”. Despite so many people being involved, The Fiver’s going to go out on a limb and predict that nobody will have seen or heard nuffink and in fact there was no tunnel bust-up.
The police, for their part, have said they will only intervene if they receive a formal complaint, which is highly unlikely to materialise, while Arteta himself had the good grace to cover his eye as he drove past photographers eager to get a snap of his head wound on his way into training on Monday morning. Snitches, as they say, get stitches … although the Good Ship Suture is reported to have sailed for the City assistant coach already. As entertaining as this post-match mini-riot in the bowels of Old Trafford seems to have been, The Fiver can’t help but wistfully muse on how much better it would have been if the game had been played at the Etihad Stadium. Manchester City’s glass-walled Tunnel Club was the subject of much derision when it was opened earlier this season, but with that kind of entertainment on offer to well-heeled match-goers, one can’t help but feel £15,000 for a snazzy season ticket is an absolute steal.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The police have just come in the dressing room and charged us with stealing three points. It really was theft” – Newcastle Jets coach Ernie Merrick after his side mugged off Perth Glory with two flamin’ late goals in a 2-1 A-League win.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Paul MacInnes is in the guest hot seat for Football Weekly. Step this way.
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FIVER LETTER
“As a Newcastle fan, I was concerned N’Golo Kanté’s replacement would have a great game for Leicester at the weekend. And Ndidi did” – Brian Saxby.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Brian Saxby, who wins our final copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got more prizes to give away though, so keep typing.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
In news Antonio Conte took well, Chelsea have drawn Barcelona in the former round of Arsenal. Oof! Here are the rest of the last-16 ties: Juventus v Spurs, Basel/Basle/Baarrrllll v Man City, Porto v Liverpool, Sevilla v Man Utd, Real Madrid v PSG (also oof!), Shakhtar Donetsk v Roma, and Bayern Munich v Besiktas. “It’s a draw,” sighed Conte.
Arsenal have been drawn against Graham Potter’s ever so hip Ostersund in the last 32 of Big Vase. “I think it’s really nice to go home to England and meet one of the best teams in the Premier League,” parped the former York City defender. “But now we are really underdogs.”
Jürgen Klopp will continue to rotate his Liverpool squad like an enthusiastic child with a finger-spinner despite being peppered with pelters for doing so in the 1-1 draw with Everton. “The boys who came in were fresh and did a brilliant job,” he parped. “We tried everything. We had everything you need but we didn’t use it.”
David Moyes says he has “compassion” for Joe Hart, whose tail will be firmly embedded on the West Ham subs’ bench for the foreseeable after Adrián impressed in the win against Chelsea. “It wasn’t an easy decision … but ultimately it’s West Ham I have to think about getting a result for. I need to win as well,” he blootered.
And “Shefield United FC – Official 2018 Calendar” – full marks to the Blades for managing to spell their own name incorrectly on the front of their new offering. A club after The Fivre’s heart.
STILL WANT MORE?
Manchester United were too passive in the derby – and Mr Mourinho must take the blame, argues Jonathan Wilson.
Before all of the fun and games down the tunnel, David Silva was simply too hot for United to handle, writes Barney Ronay.
Wilfried Bony back among the goals, a quality problem for Southampton, and will it prove a miserable Christmas for Newcastle? Plus seven more talking points from the weekend.
Here come Atlético, reports Sid Lowe.
Sacked by the Bundesliga’s bottom club but appointed by Dortmund, it really is once-in-a-lifetime kind of stuff for Peter Stöger, writes Andy Brassell.
It was a drab 0-0 but Inter and Juventus are pointing to the positives from their forgettable stalemate, so-says Paolo Bandini.
Unai Emery might have killed PSG’s hopes of advancing into the last eight of Big Cup before they’ve even begun, warn Adam White and Eric Devin.
Free-wheeling Luton Town have scored more goals than Manchester City. And they’re pushing for promotion in style, teases Nick Miller.
It was incredibly dull but Sam Allardyce’s derby plan came to fruition at Anfield, muses Paul Wilson.
Sergej Milinkovic-Savic in but Luke Shaw out at Old Trafford? That and more in today’s juicy Rumour Mill.
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