“I am healthy,” Noel Edmonds intones at the start of his new show. He’s standing under an outdoor shower, showing off both his body and the surrounding countryside. Which he owns.
“I am happy. I am loving. I am love. I am... Jesus!” he yelps, as the shower runs cold. Then he laughs. “I am Jesus.”
He's joking. Ha ha. But is he really? This latest venture from Edmonds – previously a titan of British television, now living in semi-retirement on the remote South Island of New Zealand – seeks to paint him as a sort of benevolent everyman.
Just a guy who wanted to emigrate and give back to his local community. But also, a guy that really, really wants you to know that he’s a good guy.
“We wanted to do something that wasn't purely about us. Or dare I say it, incredibly false modesty, wasn't all about me,” he says earnestly. When his wife, Liz, chuckles, he adds, indignantly, “I meant it!”
Thus, this three-part series from ITV, which follows Edmonds as he goes around, trying to rebut the various bad press he’s received over the last few years, and trying to get his business (called River Haven) off the ground. And all of it is narrated by Rob Brydon, displaying the audio version of the world’s straightest poker face.
It smacks of Clarkson’s Farm, and to be honest, it’s impossible to escape Jeremy Clarkson’s long shadow. The same sense of ‘lads having fun’ mentality abounds here – albeit mixed in with lectures on crystal healing and some rather aggrieved monologues about how Edmonds feels the local community has taken against him.
Hence, his faux-Victorian boozer, which is named the Bugger Inn and features beers like the Boring Bastard (a hazy IPA) , the Tits Up (lager) and the Old Git (a Pilsner). Hence the scene in which he drools over a nail gun, calling it “the most incredible invention in the history of the world” and “just the horniest bit of kit you will ever come across.”
Despite the above, Edmonds is a great presenter – there’s a reason he became so famous in the first place – and his charisma is on full-wattage here. He’s fun to spend time with, in small doses, as he passive-aggressively interacts with the locals (one conversation with the local vicar is rather wince-inducing) and waxes lyrical about his vision for River Haven. We follow him and Liz around from adventure to misadventure: opening the Bugger Inn back up for business, indulging in a bit of fire safety training, hiking a glacier.
But every so often, flashes of intense egomania creep in around the edges. We get lengthy shots of Edmonds working out at the gym and in-depth explanations of the routine he follows to look so good (his words) for a 76 year old (apparently, the answer is crystals and structured water).
We find out why all the clocks in the estate are set to 11.06: it’s the time he met his wife, Liz, whom Edmonds insists on calling his “earth angel… the sustenance of her energy is my lifeblood.” Perhaps the most egregious moment, though, is when he takes us to see the giant bronze statue that lurks on the edge of River Haven.
Edmonds commissioned it from Weta Studios (the people who did the special effects for The Lord of the Rings and Avatar, in other words) to commemorate his triumph in the lengthy legal battle he waged with Lloyds Banking Group, which concluded in 2017.
Brydon tactfully calls it “a permanent reminder of a difficult period in his life”; it’s one that Edmonds insists on explaining to us at length, pointing out the scripture inscribed on the back as well as the little information plaque next to the statue which hails it as “a symbol of one man's tenacity and his ultimate victory”.
Unfortunately, we never find out what Edmonds’ Kiwi neighbours think of this. But that’s the show all over: fascinating, but probably not for the reasons Edmonds intended.
Noel Edmonds’ Kiwi Adventure is on ITV 1 at 9pm
