Would you trust this man to help you across the road? Showbiz tsar of the 70s, 80s and 90s, Noel Edmonds. Photograph: Dan Chung
Sick of it all? Convinced that you can't possibly rely on the principles of democratic government to bring about any kind of real change? Use the phrase "hell in a handbasket" at least once a day? Well don't worry, Noel's here to save us all!
Noel Edmonds has got a new series - and this isn't any old series. Apparently (and lifting phrases directly from David Cameron's manifesto, which does make it feel slightly like an extended party political broadcast) Noel's promising his new show will be "an antidote to broken Britain". He's going to save the world, via the television!
How will he achieve this marvellous feat? He will be rewarding random acts of kindness - giving people money, and prizes, it seems. Basically, this sounds like it could be a happier version of Beadle's About but with people discovering the nice old lady they just helped across the road was actually beardy Noel, and he would like to give them a present for it (although not liking speed cameras seems also to be a large part of his agenda, although I'm not sure how that will fit into the feelgood television conceit or help old ladies across the road). Through rewarding the good, Noel - and the cosmos, obviously - will encourage the people of Britain to "take matters into their own hands" and rise up as one to ... well, to be nice to each other, possibly. Or full-blown vigilantism. It could go either way.
This is a brilliant idea. We should be employing more "national TV treasures" to solve issues of national and world significance.
OUR WORLD-SAVING TV MANIFESTO (with much thanks to the bearded Noel Edmonds and his beard)
1) Noel will have responsibility for sorting out "broken Britain" and also speed cameras, or something.
2) Cilla will return with her weekly show Blind Hate, where she will set up ruling leaders of violently opposing regimes or political parties through the use of a large screen and some vaguely euphemistic questions, and then she'll send them off to Malaga for the weekend and let nature take its course (let's hope she gets to wear her hat!).
3) The issue of MPs' expenses will be solved now that we have decided they can only have on expense the things that they can remember from Bruce Forsyth's conveyor belt.
4) Climate Change? Jim'll Fix it!
It is a brilliant idea, well done Noel. Who else can we rope in to help?
