Signs warning motorists to watch out for hedgehogs are to appear on UK roads to reverse plummeting numbers – down from 30m in the 1950s to under 1m today. But here are a few other signs we’d like to see:
Mansplaining incident ahead
One of the most common causes of disaster on our roads, more so than treacherous weather conditions or inadequate lighting, is sudden outbursts of in-car rage which occur when a man attempts to wrest control of a map. These new signs will warn of any nearby flaming wreckage of the type that results whenever a male driver tuts and says something like, “That’s not a rest stop icon, it’s a National Heritage site icon!” and rolls his eyes.
Paloma Faith filming car advert
The worst thing on TV right now, without a doubt, is that Paloma Faith advert for Skoda. It’s the one where she keeps foghorning: “Make your own kind of music!” when, of course, it’s Faith’s “own kind of music” that is the problem. New signs should warn of any future Paloma-Skoda collaborations in the area, so motorists can steer clear, rather than have to hear her sing or see one of her bloody stupid hats.
Hard Brexit in 50 yards
Self-explanatory really: just a bunch of question marks to signal what “hard Brexit” is, and when precisely it will take place. That’s right, road signs should do biting satire too.
No Top Gear stunt zone
Motorists fear journeys will be delayed by the filming of a woefully unfunny stunt for the anaemic Top Gear reboot – to be watched by nobody. The proposed “No Top Gear Stunt” zones will account for 99.5% of the UK’s roads.
