HE DONE AN ADVERT TOO
The Fiver loves talking about a good pair of headphones. Oh, you could just talk about them all day. You put them in your ears and if they are connected to a “Walkman”, or whatever sound contraption it is the kids who point and laugh at The Fiver’s socks-and-sandals garb are using these days, you can listen to the latest musical hits from stars like The Big Bopper, or if you aren’t that way inclined and would rather spare yourself, to the day’s shipping forecast. And the best thing about using headphones is that they make sure you never have to pay attention to the people around you ever again. Unless you’re on a train and you’re pretending to listen to music, but actually you’ve pressed mute and what you’re really doing is eavesdropping on the couple having a row next to you. Headphones: they really are the best!
And so it was no wonder that He reacted with such fury to questioning from a CNN hack about the ongoing corruption scandal at Fifa, seeing as it stopped him banging on about the fascinating subject of a new range of headphones He has just launched. The Real Madrid star did not have time for such tedious piffle. He had a sale to make. No way was He going to turn out like Willy Loman. “Do you want me to be honest?” He yawned. “It doesn’t worry me at all. I do my profession, my job, I give me all for my club … the rest doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what happens on the outside.”
He was asked about what they talk about in Madrid’s Frat House. Perhaps how terrified Middle England will be when Jeremy Corbyn wins the Labour leadership race? “About music, about women, about fashion, about shoes, about suitcases/bags, about jewellery, about haircuts,” He alpha beta gamma’d. “Any more you want me to list?” Cars! Cars! You forgot cars! And headphones! Remember to stay on message! Somewhere, in a dark room, Roy Keane narrowed his eyes.
Then the subject of Qatar hosting the World Cup in 2022 came up, but He did not care, because by then He will be the new Steve Jobs. After all, heaven forbid that one of the world’s greatest footballers should have an opinion about, say, the migrant workers who have died building the infrastructure that He and his colleagues play in. “I can’t speak like that,” He trilled. “This is [bad word]. Speak about Fifa, I don’t care about Fifa. And Qatar … I don’t give a [bad word]! What you want me to do? Speak about product, he speaks about Fifa … come on.” It was just as well that there were no questions about Cecil the Lion. Animals can’t buy headphones! They have no income!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The boss gets his back waxed and reveals the Gary Deegan deal!” – Southend United’s Twitter feed reveals what happened when Sky’s trek to all 92 league clubs dropped in on fund-raising Phil Brown. It’s what you’d expect really.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
It’s a bumper Premier League tickets giveaway for the opening weekend. There are home tickets for Chelsea v Swansea, Everton v Watford, Newcastle v Southampton and West Brom v Manchester City up for grabs.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: His apparent generosity towards his Mr 15% with the purchase of a Greek island (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Considering how much He is worth and the current state of the Greek economy, He should have bought him the whole flipping place” – Daniel Varian.
“Not that I would ever give a flying one about ‘soccerball’, but reading about MLS today, I watched the Wright-Phillips brothers combine to score a very sharp goal. I noticed that just before Shaun crossed for Bradley, he made a gesture with his right hand. Only brothers who had played together when they were just having fun could understand that meant the cross would be a cutback. Shaun didn’t even look. Amid all the negatives of football at the moment – Fifa and so on – it was a moment that reminded me why I love the game so much” – Iain Gallagher.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Daniel Varian.
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PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEWS
S is for silky. Which is handy given that Southampton and Stoke City are next on our season preview list. Jacob Steinberg runs the rule over Saints, who have had to contend with their best players being whisked off by the bully boys again, while Paul Doyle ponders whether the Potters are in danger of becoming the new darlings of the football hipster. There are also videos of Jacob loitering outside St Mary’s and Stuart James waxing lyrical about Ailsa from Home Away in what looks like someone’s back garden.
BITS AND BOBS
What happens when Football Manager is simulated for 1,000 years? Jérémy Lannoy and Sheffield United, that’s what.
Adidas has defended the design of Manchester United’s new women’s shirt after it was branded $exist by fans due to its lower neckline. “Based on research from fans, we also offer a women’s shirt as part of our lifestyle range of products. This range has a slightly different design and fit to give fans a choice,” said a tin-hatted three-striped suit.
Pep Guardiola has hinted that United may have just bought the equivalent of a clocked Mercedes. “When [Bastian Schweinsteiger] does not have [knack] problems, I am completely convinced he will do very well at Manchester United. He is a top, top player. Unfortunately, during the last three years he was never in good condition.”
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain has responded to Roy Keane’s criticism of Arsenal’s selfie culture with the kind of humourless sincerity that makes The Fiver want to put its head in a cement mixer. “It is a new era, isn’t it?” he droned. “Some people do it, some don’t. We are serious about winning trophies.”
Rio Ferdinand reckons John Stones’s curious style of Russian roulette defending would get a more regular airing at Old Trafford than Stamford Bridge. “If he goes to Man Utd, he plays every week so that’s the right club for him. If you say to any young footballer to leave a club to sit on the bench, you’ve got to be a lunatic.”
Legia Warsaw have been declared 3-0 winners over Kukesi after last week’s Big Vase qualifier in Albania was abandoned due to rioting fans who threw objects on to the pitch that led to Legia’s Ondrej Duda needing treatment for head-knack.
Bobby Zamora has returned to Brighton on a one-year deal, just the 78 years after his first spell.
And Partick Thistle have signed the pound-shop Paul Pogba, his brother Mathias, on a one-year deal.
STILL WANT MORE?
Outrage, sanctimony and, erm, inverting the haemorrhoid: David Squires straps himself in for the new season.
You know what, Pompey might just rise again this season, predicts Tom Davies in this here League Two season preview.
Andy Hunter takes a big red pen and circles five managers with much convincing to do in the Premier League this season. Yes, Claudio Ranieri is one of them.
If your formative years aren’t littered with broken dreams like The Fiver’s, you may recall your childhood, in particular playing headers and volleys, one touch and squares in the school holidays. You may even remember the rules, such as goalie in and out or last man back. If so, this GuardianWitness callout wants to hear from you.
Tactics Tim as a human cannonball, the sorry story of Cech the Lion and a melange of managers in a tight T-shirt star in this week’s Gallery of readers’ season predictions.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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