I’m going to hold every film bro’s hand when I say this, but it is my belief that no movie, no matter how important to culture, warrants a runtime longer than 90 minutes.
95, if I’m feeling generous.
I know what you’re thinking: that’s just the declaration of someone whose attention span has been royally fucked by TikTok. And while I’m certainly no stranger to holding down 2x speed, that is not the entire source of my anger at overlong movies.
Before we get into why I’ve risked the wrath of Martin Scorsese stans (I love a short, bespectacled king!), I should mention that much of this opinion boils down to the kind of movies I like.
Anything branded an ‘epic’, or anything that prompts essay-length Letterboxd reviews, is decidedly not up my alley.
My favourite movie, unironically, is Confessions of a Shopaholic, so it’s safe to say I’m not exactly the cinephile that Scorsese and his ilk are gearing their ‘masterpieces’ towards.
Confessions of a Shopaholic is a masterpiece, for the record, but I haven’t the time to explain why (IYKYK).
Even still, there was a time when I at least attempted to indulge these Scorsese-length schleps by vowing to watch each film nominated for Best Picture. And for a long stretch, this feat was doable.
2018 was a particularly stellar year in my humble opinion (nominee Lady Bird is 95 minutes, for the record), but each passing year since has been an increasing struggle.
It’s almost as if these Academy darlings, often behind the movies adored by the aforementioned film bros, are testing our collective patience, fancying themselves as worthy of taking — as in the case of The Brutalist — three-and-a-half-fucking hours of our time.
It’s fitting that I gave up that annual vow after 2018, since it was from that year that some estimates say the world’s top-grossing films began to stretch longer than ever before, to the point where they now average around the 140-minute mark.
From taking a well-earned dump to going for a run or doing a load of laundry, I can think of countless better ways to spend 140 minutes than watching an overdrawn shot of tumbleweed simply because the director thought it was too groundbreaking to be trimmed down.
This trend of increasingly longer runtimes — put down to factors like investment in franchises (ahem, Marvel, ahem) and yes, the influence of directors — shows no sign of slowing down.
It’s at the point where movie intermissions need to be mandated not just for a stretch break, but to give you time to dust off your will and testament, because you’ll surely be dead by the time it finishes. And without even having taken one final dump, mind you.
Maybe it’s the creative writing student in me that also can’t let this go. At uni, we were taught to “kill your darlings” — to get rid of the excess fluff, no matter how precious, in the interest of streamlining the story for the benefit of the reader.
That was a lesson that many of these directors apparently missed. Not only do they not kill their darlings, they stuff their darlings like Augustus Gloop. They dedicate 2.5 hours to a Marvel superhero who may or may not have died in the previous 2.5 hour movie, or the prequel of that movie set in a universe located 2.5 hours away.
They linger on shots of Leo Dicaprio for a stretch of time that’s longer than any of his girlfriends have been on planet Earth.
While the Scorseses, Nolans and Camerons of the world have seemingly forgotten the quality over quantity rule, there are of course exceptions to the rule.
Some of my favourite movies extend beyond the 90 to 95 minute range (Confessions, I’m looking at you), but they get a pass because they don’t feel like an exercise in the director jerking himself off in the mirror, hoping his fans will applaud endurance over efficient storytelling.
So in this spirit, I present to you some 90 to 95-minute movies that leave enough time for you to take a dump and go for a run (though ideally not at the same time).
- Toy Story
- 500 Days of Summer
- Zombieland
- Easy A
- Red Eye
- Juno
- Shrek (I repeat: Shrek!)
- Shiva Baby
- Borat
- Office Space
- Stand By Me
- Fantastic Mr. Fox and last but certainly not least,
- Mean Girls.
OK, technically Mean Girls is 98 minutes, but who am I to deny Regina George?
Are these the kinds of movies cinephiles will jizz over? Probably not. By while they are still sat in the cinema nearing hour three, you’ll have already completed your second load of washing. And no movie, even one by an Academy darling, feels as good as that.
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