LETTING WIND EROSION, RAIN AND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CATS DO WHAT WIND EROSION, RAIN AND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CATS DO
It’s never really been clear to the Fiver exactly what is meant by “all football-related activity”. Managing a team, yes. Owning a club, sure. Being involved in any form of governance of the game, absolutely. But where does it stop? Can you have a kickabout in the back garden? Is the odd season of Sensible Soccer allowed? Where does Subbuteo fit in? It’s a minefield.
And stepping into it is Chuck Blazer. The former Fifa executive will be looking over his shoulder nervously whenever he’s tempted into a game of Super Cup Football thanks to a lifetime ban from all football-related activity due to bribery and corruption.
“Blazer committed many and various acts of misconduct continuously and repeatedly during his time as an official in different high-ranking and influential positions at Fifa and Concacaf,” OMGed Fifa in a statement. “In his positions as a football official, he was a key player in schemes involving the offer, acceptance, payment and receipt of undisclosed and illegal payments, bribes and kickbacks as well as other money-making schemes.”
So backslaps all round. Though, given that Blazer pleaded guilty to the FBI and agreed to turn informer, Fifa feeling in any way smug about booting Blazer out of football is rather like congratulating yourself on having cleaned up those baked beans that you spilled on the patio when all you’ve actually done is left them and allowed wind erosion, rain and the neighbourhood’s cats to do what wind erosion, rain and the neighbourhood’s cats do. Those beans? Yeah, sorted them. No more beans on my patio, no sirree.
But then what can you do? The world is full of thieves, murderers, murderous thieves and thieving murderers and we can’t catch ’em all. And that’s exactly the same as rampant corruption among members of the Fifa executive committee, isn’t it Uncle Sepp? “It is impossible to stamp out robbery and murder, even with a functioning courts system down to community level,” Blatter told Swiss newspaper Weltwoche. “Football is not better than our society.”
And it’s not like you can hold the president of Fifa responsible for any of this, is it Uncle Sepp? “I not only see everything, I’m responsible for everything, even for the English women’s own goal at the World Cup recently,” he added, introducing sarcasm to his big bag of unpleasant personality traits. “Am I responsible for climate change too?”
No, Sepp – you’re responsible for Fifa. Though not for much longer, and for that we can be thankful.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Some of him was there. Triumphs are the greatest things there are. But the last three [Copa América] games he was bad. He was lazy”– Lionel Messi’s granddad Antonio Cuccitini was obviously never the Werther’s Original cuddly type of gramps.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re heavy defeats (Fiver passim). I played for a pub with two teams in different tiers of the local Sunday League. The Division 3 team were in danger of relegation which meant playing with no refs next season, whereas the Division 1 team were safe in mid-table obscurity. So the manager decided to switch our teams for the last two games. I was a Division 3 defender against strikers reported to be semi-pro, and we were losing 30-0 after an hour when the referee called it. The defeat itself didn’t hurt as much as hearing one of them say to his strike partner, ‘It’s like playing Pro-Evo on the PlayStation, with no one else on the other controller’” – Brian Saxby.
“When did Fabian Delph leave the Villa? Have you been in the Doc’s time machine? Did he go to Manchester City, has he been to any other club before thinking about a return to the Villa? So many questions but if you have been in the Delorean can I have this week’s lotto numbers (normal and Euro) please? (Email it to me direct - I don’t want to share the loot between all 1,057 Fiver readers). Oh, one last thing, did England win the 2022 World Cup? Actually don’t bother answering that” – Ian Henderson (and 1,056 others).
“Steve Gaw has certainly helped to keep the ‘Kana-based anecdotes’ theme going (Fiver passim) by – deliberately? – incorrectly stating ミルク(milk) as the katakana for ‘hotel’ (or was the Fiver again deliberately altering letters in an attempt at pedant baiting?) Should anyone be interested (probably not), milk would actually be 牛乳 in kanji (gyuunyuu in romaji, i.e. the Romanisation of the Japanese word)“ – Craig Hills (and, weirdly, 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Brian Saxby.
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BITS AND BOBS
Raheem Sterling has pulled another sickie. Maybe he really is sick? He could be, you know.
The reason Manchester United fans have stupid smiles all up on their grill is because their club has managed to book Robin van Persie on a ship named Birini Yapın with its sails set for Fenerbahce.
Brendan Rodgers might look a bit tired but that is because he has been up all night, shining his teeth, combing his hair and working on the speech he is going to give to Gary McAllister, as he tries to convince the Scottish Xavi to become his first-team coach.
Bayern Munich chief suit Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has nudged Bastian Schweinsteiger a few miles closer to Old Trafford. “I cannot deny the fact ... that he is flattered by the interest from England,” he purred.
Former Chelsea fans’ favourite Dan Petrescu came, saw and conquered at ASA Targu Mures by guiding the crisis Transylvanian club to a 1-0 win in the Romanian Supercup – his only match in charge – before taking a job in China. “It’s been a month, incredibly heavy, I did wonders,” parped Petrescu.
And in a clear sign that the end of the world is upon us, Wales have entered the top 10 in the world rankings.
STILL WANT MORE?
Paula Cole might be worried about the precise location of the cowboys and Peter, Paul and Mary may be looking around for the flowers but Amy Lawrence is more concerned about where all the (good) strikers have gone.
If you need advice on how to be a nu-lad or how to force a transfer from your club if you are a professional player, Michael Butler is your only man.
If you’ve been sitting at your desk, staring into space wondering what now for USA! USA!! USA!!!’s World Cup winners, then help – and answers – are at hand from Caitlin Murray
And if you’ve been sitting at your desk, staring into space wondering what now for Yoann Gourcuff, you may actually be Yoann Gourcuff. If so, then help – and answers – are at hand from Tom Williams.
Get your hands on tickets for an extra special, season previewing, live, on-stage edition of Football Weekly. AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Rafa Honigstein, Paul MacInnes and Gregg Bakowski will be treading the boards in London on Thursday 6 August.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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