HORNETS’ NEST
The Fiver is in no position to lecture anyone about the importance of speaking English good, but that hasn’t stopped it from developing some strong opinions on Watford manager Alec Baldwin’s insistence on communicating via an interpreter all season. It’s a disgrace is what it is, a flagrant show of disrespect towards the homegrown triumph of marketing and globalisation that is the Premier League, and things have been tense in The Fiver household every time Baldwin appears on Match of the Day. The British Broadcasting Corporation’s Match of the Day, no less! $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver hasn’t been this angry since that time the waiter at the local Italian confirmed the chef didn’t keep a tin of spaghetti hoops handy. $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver wants his country back! Poor $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver.
But before any crybaby metropolitan bubble-dwellers start composing angry emails of complaint to The Man, it seems The Fiver was … right. Much like Tobias Funke managing to father a child, nobody’s quite sure how it has happened. All we know is that it has. Because just as $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver prepared to launch into another rant about Baldwin failing to speak the Queen’s with the eloquence of a Sam Allardyce, or even as articulately as Swansea City’s French manager Paul Clement, news arrived of change at Vicarage Road. It turns out Watford’s Italian owners were also unimpressed with their compatriot, who no longer has any need for that crash course in English he was planning to take this summer.
As recently as yesterday, Baldwin was busy planning for the future. “We are using these games to assess for next year,” he said after Monday’s defeat at Chelsea. “There were some positives, some not so positives. But we are evaluating for next season.” Barely a day later, however, and Watford are looking for their 97th manager of the Pozzo era after reacting to complaints about Baldwin falling out with players in the dressing room, most notably Troy Deeney, which is quite impressive work from a man who none of the players can understand. “It was decided he will be stepping down,” Scott Duxbury, the club’s chairman, said of the decision to consciously uncouple on Wednesday afternoon, leaving $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver in a state of pure ecstasy which will last until Watford appoint Marco Silva instead of Alan Pardew.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“No, there’s no buy-out clause in my contract. I will stay here, don’t worry. There are many rumours, but I am committed to this club and have no reason to leave this club. On 3 July, for pre-season, I will be here. Don’t worry” – Tottenham boss Mauricio Pochettino leaving one for the file.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Poptastic Fiver, in all its Saturday night post-Tin lethargy, may well have been grunting away to Moldova (yesterday’s last line) while looking for the kebab left over from Friday evening, but in truth it was Blanche of Belgium whom Eddie from Friends deprived due acclamation as rightful Eurovision winner. As he observed: ‘Music is not fireworks.’ No, but at its best it is dancing with tears in your eyes (note: do not provide link to Ultravox song), as Blanche conveyed with a few clicks of her elegant fingers, a melody from heaven, and a voice deeper than Martin Jol’s after his team has been on the end of a 4-0 thumping” – Kevin McKee.
“Re: Bebeto’s rock-a-bye-baby celebration (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Looking at the photo all these years later, I’m presuming that either all three players shown had never to that point held a baby, or that their other halves gave birth to grasshoppers” – Jonathan Lea-Howarth.
“Not wishing to be pedantic, but Jamie Redknapp’s birthday (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is exactly half a year on from Christmas Day in only three out of every four years. In Leap years, it’s half a day after the midpoint” – Neil Bage.
“Any chance of a plug for this?” – City Orns.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Kevin McKee.
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BITS AND BOBS
Uefa is launching a “Together #WePlayStrong” campaign next month, aimed at making football the No1 participation sport for girls and women in Europe by 2022.
The EFL has given its always-popular Fit and Proper test another run out, clearing Chinese investors Dai Yongge and Dai Xiu Li to buy play-off final-bound Reading. EFL suits promise “enhanced financial monitoring”.
Malaysia’s 2019 Asian Cup qualifier against North Korea in Pyongyang on 8 June has been postponed due to “geopolitical tensions”. But good news! It’s been rearranged for 5 October, by which time everything will be just fine.
Premier League overlord Richard Scudamore has met Uefa president Aleksander Ceferin for the first time to discuss how to avoid fixture clashes between domestic games and European club competitiozzzzzzzzzzzz.
Taxpayers’ FC midfielder Manuel Lanzini says he’s “very happy” with life at the Dome O’ Doom. “I am thinking of the next game,” he tooted, “then I’m thinking of having good holidays with my family.”
Pablo Zabaleta says he’s proud after his home farewell at Manchester City. “It has been nine wonderful years,” he cheered. “We cannot forget where we’ve come from.” City gave him a lifetime season ticket to say thanks.
Burnley boss Sean Dyche is on all fours. “[Transfer business] is about keeping your ear to the ground, keeping your scouts working, keeping ourselves working, and seeing what we can do.”
Leicester are having an end-of-season twang crisis, with Wes Morgan, Robert Huth, Nampalys Mendy, Danny Drinkwater and Andy King all knacked for Thursday’s 2-2 draw with Spurs.
And Monaco oligarch Dmitry Rybolovlev has hired 50 Cent for their Ligue 1 title party at Place du Palais on Sunday. He’s also in for Bruno Mars, it says here.
STILL WANT MORE?
Does new Meeeeelan owner Li Yonghong have the cash to take on Serie A? And why did he take out a €300m loan from a private equity fund? Ed Aarons reports.
Hold on to your hats, damp squib fans: the Premier League race for third and fourth and fifth could end up in a play-off. Maybe.
When Pep Guardiola claimed he would have been sacked by Barcelona or Bayern by now, it was hard to know whether he was bragging, complaining or merely being disingenuous, reckons Paul Wilson.
Sunderland’s under-23 side have restored some hope to Wearside, says Louise Taylor – with 20,000 fans expected to watch as they chase International Cup glory against Porto.
“Do any clubs have a stand named in honour of a person who isn’t an ex-player, manager or owner?” The Knowledge overfloweth.
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