TURIN SHREWD
It can be difficult watching England. Mainly because there are times when they are playing with such lethargy that it’s enough to make The Fiver glance down at its tin of Special Drink and wonder if someone has slipped a tub of Mogadon into it, fearing that it won’t be long before it’s crawling helplessly around its front room like a much less charismatic and wealthy Jordan Belfort. Maybe that’s paranoia. But why else would they be running around so slowly? Professional footballers shouldn’t be running around that slowly. In fact, human adults shouldn’t be running around that slowly, which is why The Fiver is often left suspecting that foul play is afoot and that someone is trying to mess with its head. And rest assured, it doesn’t take much to mess with The Fiver’s head. What were we talking about again? Cheese? Unicorns? Cheese?
It was probably cheese, or maybe unicorns, but we should probably talk about England instead. It can be difficult watching England. Mainly because there are times when they are playing with such leth … [Snip! Get to the point– Fiver Ed], but also because when they manage to do a good result, like last night’s 1-1 draw with Italy, everyone starts to get very excited, the middle ground seemingly a place populated only by a confused Phil Jones, blundering about in his search for an exit, looking bewildered, hoping against hope that Mr Roy will move him somewhere else sooner rather than later.
See, it can be tough watching England. Like Theo Walcott, you never know where to stand. When they are bad, they are very bad, the criticism red-hot, the cries for a public inquiry into the state of the national game long, loud and very annoying. But when they are good, when they put together 30 minutes of coherent football in a friendly against half-strength opponents who have seen better days – oh boy, oh boy, you’d better get excited! You’d better be banging on about the draw with Italy serving as revenge for Manaus! You’d better be using a goal in a friendly as a way of hitting back at criticism of you by no less an authority than Paul Merson! “He hasn’t responded yet, but I’m eagerly awaiting it when it comes,” Andros Townsend roared, inadvertently outing himself as the world’s only subscriber to Merse’s daily tea-time satirical email. Yes, watching England is tough.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We knew that the game was going to be difficult because it was against a Portuguese-speaking country” – Portugal coach Fernando Santos gets his excuses in after the dismal 2-0 defeat at home to Cape Verde, more of which you can read about in this Jonathan Wilson piece.
FIVER LETTERS
“Real football fans hate international weeks. Discuss” – Peter Collins.
“Can I just say this about Harry Kane (sorry Ian Martindale, yesterday’s Fiver letters)? The optimism and hope my stupid, naive brain feels when I watch Kane reminds me of when Alan Shearer signed for Blackeye Rovers all those years ago. It was a curious feeling back then, one of excitement, privilege and an impatient, voracious appetite for the next game. Everything was Shearer. I remember seeing in an interview on Football Focus that Shearer’s favourite meal before a game was chicken and beans. The fast-food vans at Ewood sold nothing else from that point on. Even at home in private we all secretly ate chicken and beans before going down the leisure centre to play five-a-side in the evening. It was a heady time, one I don’t begrudge Spurs and England fans now that Kane’s on the scene. Of course Shearer did his cruciate ligament against Nasty Leeds later that first season, but I’m sure that won’t happen to Kane just before the Euros. No, never happen” – Marten Allen.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Peter Collins.
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BITS AND BOBS
A circle-jerk of miserable football reportage has prompted Borussia Dortmund’s Mats Hummels to deny that he promised to sign for Manchester United. “Just to be clear, this alleged ‘promise’ is simply an invention … and that is saying it nicely,” he typed.
Hearts, who not that long ago bore the legend ‘Wonga’ on the front of their shirts, will now have Save The Children emblazoned on them for the next three years.
Real Madrid have reached an agreement to empty £23m from their bank account in the direction of Porto’s for their Brazil right-back Danilo.
Holland coach Guus Hiddink is sick to the hind teeth of people calling for his head and has said just that in the wake of the 2-0 win over Spain. “Don’t keep asking me if I am staying on as coach,” he fumed. “There is no weight fallen off my back now. I never felt any weight on my back.”
CSKA Sofia keeper Maksims Uvarenko admits he’s had to ask his parents for rent after the club failed to stump up any cash to the squad for the last three months. “My wife and I are expecting a child and we can’t afford to stay without money,” he said. “CSKA fans are unique. I am impressed by their temperament and support.”
And Ukip’s campaign chief reckons immigration is a threat to street football. Hmm … “If you’re in a community where everyone knows each other and the local children are all friends and have had time to get to know each other they are more likely to be able to arrange a game of football with each other and to feel completely safe about going out and playing it,” blootered Patrick O’Flynn. “I would suggest that seems like common sense to me.”
STILL WANT MORE?
“He’s just hit it too good.” Bon mots such as those from the gaping gob of Andy Townsend, emanating from a trading estate near Heathrow, are helping to push the Premier League’s global ‘brand’. Owen Gibson reports.
Has a manager ever been sacked straight after leading a team to promotion? Excuse me, but I think you’ll find that they have, nerds The Knowledge.
Ten talking points from the past week’s Euro 2016 qualifiers and international action.
Before he got to write today’s Fiver, Jacob had the pleasure of writing even more about Mr Roy. Right here.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week … goals of the week! Admit it, it’s your new favourite theme tune.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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DEAR APRIL FOOLS IDIOTS, IF WE WANTED UNFUNNY GAGS ABOUT FOOTBALL, ETC AND SO ON
