The Rio Olympics have concluded. What better way to celebrate a fortnight of planet-uniting, world class sporting achievement than by picking apart everything weird about the BBC’s extensive coverage of the Games? Truly, these moments will live on longer than any warm-hearted reminiscences about the enduring quest for athletic perfection.
John Inverdale’s James Bond fantasy
When the Olympics began, it seemed as if Inverdale might have toned down his shtick a little – he certainly looked less like a sentient version of Instagram’s Brannan filter gone haywire than in 2012 – but that didn’t last long. On the first Monday of the Games, he turned what should have been a simple throw to studio into a long and stunningly complex description of what a Rio-set James Bond film would be like.
Helen Skelton’s tiny outfits
Helen Skelton doesn’t care about middle England. That much is clear after watching her present the Olympics in what can only be described as a skirt. Skelton’s brazen decision to wear temperature-appropriate clothing sent viewers into meltdown. This was Olympic-level swimming they were watching, after all. Everyone is always fully dressed for that. Everyone.
Dan Walker’s hen party
Poor Dan Walker. While Clare Balding got to roam around the sanitised Olympic Park at night, Walker found himself shoved out on to the beach where anyone could accost him. And they did. When a Brazilian hen party intruded on a live link, chanting “BBC! BBC!”, you could see Walker’s entire career flash before his eyes.
The BBC’s music
Every lunchtime, Hazel Irvine would bravely step up and introduce all the sports that only children and the housebound would enjoy, before Balding barged in and snatched up all the prestige later. However, the music that played whenever Irvine announced the day’s schedule was horrible. It sounded like the sort of thing a garden centre would play if they put you on hold. It sounded like the Supermarket Sweep theme tune. I will never hear that music again although, in a way, it’s become part of me now.
John Inverdale’s rivalry
Whoever decided to pair John Inverdale with Steve Redgrave deserves to be fired out of a cannon into the sun. As leading competitors for the title of Man You’d Least Like to Get Trapped in a Conversation With at a Party, Redgrave and Inverdale gradually came to hate each other. They interrupted each other’s interviews. They talked over each other. At one point, Redgrave actually walked off screen because he couldn’t be around Inverdale any longer.
Rebecca Adlington’s wandering hands
Middle England lit up in fury after seeing BBC presenter Rebecca Adlington apparently touch the thigh of BBC presenter Mark Foster with her hand. Is this the sort of irresponsible behaviour we expect from novice TV presenters and their longtime professional mentors? Do we pay our licence fee for this? What if my children were watching – I’d have to explain to them that sometimes people touch other people. What an absolute disgrace.
Dan Walker’s beach sex
As if the hen party wasn’t enough, Walker also had to contend with what looked an awful lot like two people having sex behind him on the beach last week. Although he was quick to point out that they were actually just reading a book.
Steve Redgrave’s umbrella
Some would say that the biggest flashpoint between Inverdale and Redgrave came when Redgrave deliberately shook a wet umbrella over Inverdale, and Inverdale reacted by laughing it off with a look of silent fury. Nobody screws with Inverdale like that. These are his Olympics. His!
John Inverdale’s total dismissal of half the world’s population
Interviewing Andy Murray after he successfully defended his men’s singles title, Inverdale said “You’re the first person ever to win two Olympic tennis gold medals”. Murray helpfully corrected him, pointing out the successes of Venus and Serena Williams. But you know what Inverdale meant. He meant that women are terrible and don’t really count as people.
Just John Inverdale generally
Seeing Inverdale dominate the list like this makes you excited about what he’ll get up to in 2020. That’s going to be in Tokyo, for crying out loud. Maybe he’ll literally initiate an earthquake, or offend the entire Asian continent. Never stop being you, John. By which I mean do stop being you. Stop it immediately.
