MY COMICAL ROMANCE
Although the plucky little underdogs have mostly been the best thing about this season’s FA Cup, the quarter-finals have so far been about as romantic as watching Wayne Shaw munching on a pie. Arsenal delivered a resounding message to Arsène Wenger’s critics by putting five past non-league Lincoln City, a section of Millwall fans made it a top Sunday afternoon out with some moronic chanting while watching their side ship six at Tottenham Hotspur and Manchester City easily swatted aside Middlesbrough, a team so toothless that even Claudio Bravo was able to keep a clean sheet against them. Nope, no romance here. Not with Theo Walcott and Olivier Giroud in hot goalscoring form. Give Wenger that new deal now!
The Fiver is still an ardent believer in the magic of the Cup, however, and anyone still hoping for a fairytale ending should turn their attentions to tonight’s remaining quarter-final at Stamford Bridge, where Plucky Little Manchester United will be trying to record one of the all-time great upsets at the expense of Chelsea. The odds are low, though. United might be the holders, much to the disappointment of fans of Alan Pardew’s dancing, but they’re bound to be a bit jaded given that they were last seen gallivanting around a cabbage patch in Rostov around 27 minutes ago. Even worse, Miracle Man José Mourinho has been hit by a selection crisis in attack. Already without the suspended Zlatan Ibrahimovic, United have travelled to west London without Wayne Rooney, injured in a training ground collision with professional galoot Phil Jones, while Marcus Rashford and Anthony Martial are also knacked.
Everything’s pointing towards Chelsea joining Arsenal, City and Spurs in the last four. They walloped United 4-0 in October, have raced miles clear at the top of the Premier League and the likes of Eden Hazard and Diego Costa are bound to be up for it with Mourinho returning to Stamford Bridge for the second time since his rancorous sacking in December 2015. Chelsea are hot favourites, not least because they finally appear to have appointed a manager who’s not intimidated by Mourinho’s aura. Antonio Conte’s done a marvellous job so far and is on course to win the Double in his first season in English football. The Italian has chuckled dismissively at Mourinho’s mind games and even managed to hit his predecessor with a few subtle digs of his own.
But Chelsea shouldn’t start planning for a trip to Wembley just yet. Mourinho’s sure to have noticed that jibe on his former club’s website about United’s unbeaten league run lifting them “all the way from sixth to sixth” and you can bet he’s got a plan up his sleeve, one that will probably involve him bringing back the depressed divorced dad look that completely confounded Liverpool at Anfield in 2014 and destroyed their title challenge. Expect him to turn up with unkempt hair, crazy eyes and crumbs in an unruly beard. Expect him to be wearing a tracksuit that might generously be termed Fiver chic. Expect a strange aroma to be emanating from the away dugout. Expect 10 men behind the ball. Expect timewasting at every possible opportunity. Expect Marouane Fellaini up front. Expect 90 minutes of punts towards the big Belgian. Expect Chelsea to be so distracted by trying to work out Mourinho’s angle that no one will notice the winner trickling in off Fellaini’s backside in the last minute. Fear not, fellow romance seekers. The Miracle Man has your back.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“They hit us the whole game. This is all their fault. Nunes was a coward. They attacked our team” – Gama’s Pedrão dishes out the blame after an errant elbow escalated into an epic brawl in the derby match with Brasiliense that then led to fans storming the pitch and embarking in a tug of war with stewards as they stole a giant banner. This, in turn, led to further bother set against a backdrop of pepper spray before the stadium was evacuated and the match abandoned at 1-1.
FIVER LETTERS
“Derby County sacked Steve McClaren after a performance that ‘was so far from what we expect to see from those wearing a Derby County shirt’, says the club that has only played one season in the Premier League in the last 15 years during which it set records for least home wins in a season (one), least away wins in a season (none), most defeats in a season (29) and fewest points in a season (11) … and fewest goals scored (20), worst goal difference (−69) and most consecutive league games without a win (37!)” – Noble Francis.
“Continuing on the thread of Zeno’s paradoxes with an infinite number of moments contained within two moments (Fiver passim), which could explain my discomfort when a manager (generally continental) says ‘We are in a good moment’. It seems to denote such a transient unit of time which could change instantly. I would prefer the usage of ‘momentum’. Also, my team, Manchester United, are currently stuck in the moment” – Siddharth Singh.
“In response to Pablo Kaufman’s missive about Argentine football, I would simply like to confirm that no one is remotely interested” – Scott Martin (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Fire up Football Weekly as AC Jimbo and co look back at the weekend’s games.
BITS AND BOBS
Gary Rowett is close to being named Derby County boss after the second coming and going of Steve McClaren at the trigger-happy club.
A day after declaring he wouldn’t throw in the towel at Plucky Wigan, Warren Joyce discovered it had been thrown in for him. “Results and performances have simply not been up to standard often enough,” roared a club suit.
Yokohama’s Kazuyoshi Miura, the oldest goalscorer ever in professional football at 50 years and 14 days, credited his record-breaking feat to good, good, good, good vibrations. “I had the vibes of a goal. I was just trying to stay positive,” cheered the man who made his debut in 1986!
Tottenham will pass video to the FA and the police after depressing chants were heard in the FA Cup quarter-final tie with Millwall.
And newly appointed but slightly temporary-feeling Leicester boss Craig Shakespeare will be without Nampalys Mendy for his side’s last-16 Big Cup second leg tie with Sevilla on Tuesday after the midfield schemer failed to recover from a nasty bout of knee-knack.
STILL WANT MORE?
Seven goals! That’s loads of goals to score in one game. Absolutely loads. Inter got that many against Atalanta this weekend, and Paolo Bandini is here to tell you all about it.
Stuck for something to talk about with your nearest and dearest? Have a read of our eight talking points from the weekend and hope they spark a clearly dormant relationship.
Venice. Canals. Art. History. Erm, canals. And now Pippo Inzaghi.
Are you a Coventry fan looking for something to cheer yourself up? Well, we wouldn’t recommend Jeremy Alexander’s look at Mark Robins’s return to the club.
Ross Barkley. He’s good, isn’t he? If you’re not convinced, allow Richard Jolly to talk you round.
Manchester United could do with a pacey winger who tries the audacious every now and then. How about this Memphis Depay chap doing great things for Lyon …?
Sid Lowe’s Spain roundup. Coming here soon …
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
